It has become apparent to me, through many of your stories that JW's seem to have a hard time staying with their spouses who leave the borg. I was wondering if this is just a case by case thing or are they in fact encouraged to leave spouses who no longer believes. It seems strange that they would encourage that seeing as how we are instructed to stay in marriages even with a non-believer if they are happy to stay in the marriage. Are the JW's actually promoting divorce? What are your thoughts on this?
J.W's and Divorce
by meadow77 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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Gopher
IMHO, the disfellowshipping/disassociation arrangement is a direct attack on the marriage arrangement.
After all, doesn't their own "Family Life" book say that one of the key things to keep a marriage alive is the threefold cord, your supposed relationship together with Jehovah? Then they tell the JW mate (once the other one is DF'd or DA'd) that they can have NO SPIRITUAL conversation whatever with the DF/DA'd one.
So then what's left to talk about, if you can't talk about what you believe about the important, spiritual things in life? Oh I suppose you can talk about the weather or what's for dinner.
The DF/DA arrangement interferes with a normal, healthy marriage. It's as if the organization and their elders pull the strings, and the JW mate is some sort of puppet. (Not in every case, but in way too many cases.) The former JW feels isolated, and the relationship can die on the vine.
I know, I've been there.
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LittleToe
The thing that's causing the greatest damage to my marriage (since I left 11 months ago) is the restraints on communication. Being the "life-blood of the marriage" and all that.
It's also surprising just how many thing you say which can be construed as spiritual or biblical. Add to that the fact that when we leave we only have a JW language. You notice these things, when your spouse jumps down your throat about it, a few times.
Has my marriage been under attack, this last year? You betcha!!!
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OrbitingTheSun
I have never been married, so I do not have the authority to say how one should handle the conflicts that arise when two people diverge on incompatible spiritual paths. But...
Obviously, I believe that one has the right to leave the WTBTS while still involved with an active JW; however, I am not so sure that it is right to demand that your partner leave with you. The teachings of the organization may seem irrational to us now, but part of respecting an individuals autonomy is giving them the freedom to make their own discoveries and learn their own lessons. That may mean watching someone you love struggle in the clutches of a tyrannical cult...but once you have shared your new found truth with someone, there isnt much more you can do to convince them.
Its a very difficult place to be in, but if your life with your partner goes beyond your life within the WTBTS...I believe there is hope. There are many couples out there that will fall apart under the stress of disfellowshipping/disassociation, but if there is mutual love and motivation to stay together...any relationship can survive.
OrbitThe Uber Romantic
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Smiles
One of the reasons the WT encourages JWs to try to remain with their non-JW spouse is so that the non-JW just might be won over by the JW spouse's "endurance" and the non-JW spouse will be so impressed that they join the JW religion.
Or then again, the WT makes it sound like just about all non-JWs are naturally promiscuous tramps and pimps, so that the chances of the non-JW spouse will commit adultery are greater than that of the JW spouse. Which, if the non-JW spouse committed adultery or is suspected of committing adultery, that would help the JW spouse get a church-legal divorce and freely re-marry to someone who IS a JW.
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Gopher
Orbiting,
If you re-read the posts surrounding yours, you'll see how difficult it is to keep communication going with a JW spouse, especially if that JW spouse lets their strings be pulled by the organization. Little Toe and I can attest to that. What "smiles" said is so true, that outsiders are demonized by the sometimes-subtle and sometimes-direct language the WTS employs in its literature.
So they set spouses against one another with their "no spiritual communication" rule. Then they'll say, well didn't Jesus prophesy that family members would be divided against each other over his message? They will use that as their way to break up families. They don't care about the emotional consequences. They only care about blind loyalty to their particular brand of pseudo-Christianity.
So ideally you are right, that there are things in the relationship that go beyond the spiritual. But in reality for many ex-JW's married to a JW, they find that the JW has made the "truth" their whole life, and the unbelief of their ex-JW spouse is a major irritant to them. Life becomes unpleasant for both. I wish it were otherwise, but that's how I see it.
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OrbitingTheSun
Hi Gopher
I agree with you that communication is crucial, that is why I said that there must be a mutual motivation to stay together. Even if both people communicate, if they are not motivated to withstand the WTBTS manipulation...the relationship will end. Its so sad that an organization can and will wreck so many lives. As I said before, I really dont know how I would handle such a situation. I commend those of you who have been through marital struggles and maintained your integrity. You have strength and wisdom that I have yet to acquire.
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garybuss
The owners of the Jehovah's Witness franchise, The Watch Tower Publishing Corporation, encourage and even require separation of spouses and shunning parents and children under the "absolute endangerment of spirituality" guideline. -
UrMindsI
Disfellowshipping is not an attack on marriage! The marriage is "attacked" by the unfaithful partner who commited fornication and got difellowshipped and therefore freed their spouse which is the ONLY grounds for divorce in jehovah's eyes!
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meadow77
Urminds-First of all we are not just talking about disfellowship, we are talking about people who chose to leave the JW's on their own. Secondly what if the spouse was disfellowshiped for say smoking, not adultery? Then what do you say?