a theory about parents/parenthood

teejay

Personally, I know of several cases -- and have heard of many more -- of grown children not getting along with their parents. Some of these cases that I know about have nothing to do with the JW experience.

These people -- parents and their children -- go years without speaking (although sometimes living in the same town) and actually see each other even less. Children born to the second generation are well on their way to (or INTO) adolescence before they ever see their Grampa or Gramma at the local grocery store or home improvement center.

"Who's that lady you were smiling at, Mom?" the teenager asks her/his mother.

"Oh. That's your Granny."

Here's my theory. It's a simple one. In the above situation where aged parents have no relationship with their adult children, it's the parent's fault.

As a father of a young daughter that I love more than life, I look at it like this....

I already see her as a teen, then her as a young adult, and then finally as a grown-up -- standing on her own... living her own life apart from her parents. If dialog between us (particularly her and me -- her father) is ever totally severed at any point along the way, I think it will be because I did something wrong. Either I expected too much, or or was too demanding, or didn't have enough respect for her as being her own person, or... SOMETHING.

When there is a breach in communication between a parent and their child, the parent is the reason. Period. I believe that.

LB

When there is a breach in communication between a parent and their child, the parent is the reason. Period. I believe that.

The problem with hard fast rules like yours is they seldom make much sense. You can't think of a single reason that there would be any reason to disassociate yourself from a child? Ever?

I can think of dozens.

teejay

LB,

Name me one. Just one.

RubyTuesday

My mother has disassociated with two of my sisters for the best reason I can think of.If she had'nt me and my other sister would have disassociated with her.....glad she made the right decision.

You want one good reason....how about this...Child Molest!!

Edited by - rubytuesday on 26 December 2002 22:37:0

LB

Oh comeon teejay. Imagine a child as a hardened criminal. A murderer, rapist, child molestor? Doesn't care who he hurts. Has hurt you, your wife, your daughter?

I say this because I've lived through this many years ago. I have 3 sons but I seldom if ever talk about my oldest. My first born. The love of my life. I fought my ex hard to get custody of him. I won't go into details but trust me, this young man is the scum of the earth. He was greatly involved with dealing drugs. He brought drug dealers into my home. My younger kids were exposed to them because of him. It nearly cost us our lives. He laughed about it years later. When he was in his middle 20's he finally was caught by the police. It was all a big laugh until then. Now of course he blames me because I wouldn't bail him out of jail when he was waiting trial.

Teejay a person like this is way beyond help. A couple of extra hugs wasn't going to do him any good was it? If you think so then you're kidding yourself. I raised 3 boys exactly the same way. All received a lot of attention. I didn't do anything different. But if my oldest son walked into my home tonight I'd pick up a gun and I'd be ready to use it.

So it's my fault according to you because I have no relationship with him?

Please

RubyTuesday

Right on LB!!

Robdar

I'm with TeeJay on this one.

I believe that parents and children have certain familial obligations towards each other. Helping our children mature into becoming a good citizen, no matter the age of the child, is one of these obligations. To turn our backs on a family member (especially our offspring) because of past mistakes might be a mistake itself.

Even though a child is physically mature, it does not mean that they are mature emotionally, mentally or spiritually. The actions that we think are cute when we are in our 20's, we recognize as cruel, thoughtless or ignorant in our older years. We all regret something that we did when we were younger.

I believe that people can change, but they have to want to. Who knows from where they will find their inspiration? To be there, to take their hand, to help them climb out of the gaping mouth of hell, is something that we owe to our children. Our responsibilities to them do not stop because they reach the age of physical maturity.

We must keep the lines of communication open in order to help them on their life's journey. I do not see how anyting good is achieved by turning our backs permanently on them. TeeJay said, and I agree: "When there is a breach in communication between a parent and their child, the parent is the reason. Period. I believe that."

Robyn

SheilaM

I see both sides of this issue,

I have two children that right now are the light of my life, they are living good productive lives. Would I as a parent not speak to them I can think of reasons such as what LB shared. See you don't see the pain YOUR OTHER CHILDREN face when you condone the actions of a child that is not living a good life. For example my sister who I mentioned in another post is nine years older, she has been on drugs tossed her daughter from home to home and just when my little niece would get settled and happy here would come my bitchy sister to rip that security out from under her. Well it all culminated for me in the late 80's my sister who claimed she LOVED me had injured herself I went to where she lived to help her in her job. Suffice it to say she set me up, she had gotten in debt with her drug dealer and had worked out a scenario that her younger sister ( I was in my mid 20's) would "Visit" and she would take me to his house and somehow she would owe less when the deal was over!!!(this is a TRUE story)well I ended up finding out from a DEA agent that was undercover what she had planned, he saw how naive and trusting I was and broke his cover to save me. My sister was going to dump me in the middle of an oil field in the middle of no where because I had fought her taking me to the party. I made it back home and my MOTHER and Older sister were there THEY WERE told what happened I was so upset I shook from head to toe all NIGHT. This is not the only thing my sister has done but you know what my Mother denies it EVER happend, my older sister DENIED it ever happend until I told her if she wanted to have a relationship with me she needed to look me in the eye and tell me that she ended up saying that I shouldn't hold a grudge!!!!

So see it causes the child that tries and tries pain when a parent blindly loves them despite the havoc they cause. My older sister wanted me to start fresh with the other sister, so I took her call I told her I would try if she would apologize she said: I HAVE NOTHING to apologize for". Funny I feel guilty if I forget to call someone or mail a card maybe she was born without a conscience or maybe a heart. In fact my Mom lauded over the two kids out of four that were the bad ones drugs, bad relationships, etc. I always was so tempted to be bad to have that kind of love from her but it wasn't worth it.

Robdar

Sheila,

Yours is a sad story.

When I say that we have obligations to help our children mature it does not mean that I am saying give them carte blanche to behave any old way. Your mother should have shown better judgment. By giving your sister full reign, your mother did nothing to help her mature. She not only failed you, she failed your sister. Again, TeeJay is correct. It is the parent's fault.

Robyn

xenawarrior

I'm with you LB

There are some folks who are just too toxic to be in our lives whether they are related to us by blood or they are our children or not.

There are many people who have major problems and they are someone's child. The sociopaths of this world are someone's children. There are many factors involved in relationships with adult children and their parents and sometimes the parents may have done a really bad job of raising that child into adulthood. Maybe there was even abuse present whether it be verbal, emotional, physical, psychological or sexual or any combination thereof.

But then again, maybe not. There are many very screwed up adults who are messing up the lives of others constantly and there are many in jails and prisons who were raised in a very loving, decent family situation. Those adult children may even have siblings who turned out just fine.

Are the parents to blame for the manifestations of the problems of their adult children? It isn't as black and white as yes or no. Depends on many things.

In your case LB- I don't blame you one bit. Take the emotional vampire out of your life.

My 168 cents.......

XW

Edited by - xenawarrior on 27 December 2002 1:51:43

a theory about parents/parenthood

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