a theory about parents/parenthood

by teejay 16 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Big Tex

  I haven't seen or spoken with my father or my sisters in over 10 years. Hopefully, if God is good, I will never have to lay eyes on them again. They are the classic dysfunctional incestuous family. I've told my children as much as they want to know (good and bad), but they've never expressed any desire to see or talk with them. My daughter saw my father once at a Memorial a few years ago. Her reaction was, "He's a lot smaller than I thought he'd be." Sort of describes my dad.

  The bond between me and my parents was broken nearly 40 years ago. I didn't do it. They did. They literally didn't care if I lived or died. Oh they'd put on a big act in front of the brothers and sisters at the hall, but behind closed doors I knew what they were. I used to wonder if I would be the same type of parent if and when I had children. Now I know.

  I work at night. When I come home every night, I go upstairs and look in on my children. I watch them sleep peacefully, quietly and safely. Until very recently I would awaken immediately and somewhat alarmed if someone stood at my bedroom dooway. My children don't. I can stand there and they don't stir; they dream peaceful dreams and rest. I never could because I had to be prepared to fight. They don't.

  Today was our family's tradition. It's the after Christmas sales. We give our kids $100 each and they can buy whatever they want. We go as a family and everyone is interested in what the other got. We're all excited and happy for each other. And then we go home and put it together, wrestle wtih it, and then play with it. In my childhood there was nothing remotely like this.

  I can't imagine my children ever doing something so hideous that I would cut them out of my life. If they were a criminal, and I knew it, I would turn them in. I would be at their trial and I would visit them in prison. But I would never cut them off. If they cut me out of their life, so be it. But I know what that feels like and it creates a hardness inside. You tend to look at people as being temporary. You always hold something back since you know they're going to leave one day. Call me a bleeding heart liberal pinko commie, but I just can't do to my kids what was done to me.

  I just can't.
• 

  Skeptic

  When there is a breach in communication between a parent and their child, the parent is the reason. Period. I believe that.

  As a general statement, this stand has merit. However, life is too complex for any rule to be applicable 100% of the time. There are circumstances where such a breach in communication is NOT the parents' fault. "Period" is too extreme a stance.

  There is a point in most peoples' lives where they must take responsibility for their own lives. And if they won't, removing the harmful influence from a parent's life may be the best choice.

  Every hard and fast rule falls apart under some extreme circumstance. That is why it is best for people to think and decide things for themselves.

  Richard, who has seen many extreme circumstances
• 

  SPAZnik

  teejay

  I think its fantastic that you approach parenting with such a passion and take your responsibility so seriously.
  
  While I think we'd each do well to acknowledge any mistakes we may have made,
  I don't really think the "blame-game" resolves anything, except perhaps,
  naming someone to assign a motherload of guilt trips to in the face of trouble.

  In the case of a breech of communication, I think each situation is unique, u can accept blame or point fingerz til yer blue in the face,
  or you can take sincere steps to resolve, or you can learn to live with being incapable of resolving it. Maybe I'm not understanding what you had in mind when you said breech of communication.

  If there ever is a breech in communication and IF resolution is the desired and realistic goal of parent and child alike,
  me thinks each party would do well to set aside their blaming and judging, where possible, and put that energy to work towards resolution and/or even seek outside professional help or mediation to reach the desired outcome.
  
  I don't think hard and fast rules apply either parenting or breeches of communication.

  I have to believe that even where my own parents made/make mistakes,
  they each did their personal best they know how.
  To point fingers and lay blame, seems only to make a bad situation less tolerable and doesn't really fix anything.

  SPAZ
• 

  Guest 77

  Yeah, let's shift the blame. When Jehovah asked what Adam had done, he said, "It's the women whom YOU gave me....." That was a 'bigger' mistake than eating of the fruit!

  Guest 77
• 

  teejay

  LB,

  Your revelations about your firstborn only remind me that there are exceptions to every rule. From the sounds of it, the man broke your heart. I feel for you.

  Maybe I should back away from the unambiguous stand I've taken? You cite a very good example of where my idea is full of shit. Sometimes children can (and do) decide for themselves to act in ways that are deplorable and heartless, despite our very best efforts and intentions as parents and teachers to guide them to an honorable and happy life. If my daughter ever chose the road your son did, I'd make the same choice you have. At first it would be a weight very hard to bear, but I guess I'd learn to live with it.

  ---------------------

  There are some folks who are just too toxic to be in our lives whether they are related to us by blood or they are our children or not.

  There are many very screwed up adults who are messing up the lives of others constantly and there are many in jails and prisons who were raised in a very loving, decent family situation. Those adult children may even have siblings who turned out just fine.

  Are the parents to blame for the manifestations of the problems of their adult children? It isn't as black and white as yes or no. Depends on many things. -- xenawarrior

  
  

  There is a point in most peoples' lives where they must take responsibility for their own lives. And if they won't, removing the harmful influence from a parent's life may be the best choice.

  Every hard and fast rule falls apart under some extreme circumstance. That is why it is best for people to think and decide things for themselves. -- Skeptic

  Thanks XW and Skeptic. Y'all said it very well. I guess my "theory", as is mostly likely true of all simple theories, needs a bit of tweaking. I guess I was basing my opinion about parenting on a best-case scenario. As LB and others have shown, life doesn't always follow that path.

  In my case, I hope it does.
• 

  teejay

  btw...

  ... as to my simple theory?

  Nevermind.
• 

  Skeptic

  As LB and others have shown, life doesn't always follow that path.

  In my case, I hope it does. - teejay

  Chances are teejay, for you it will turn out good.

  LB, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I empathize.

  Richard

  Edited by - Skeptic on 27 December 2002 15:50:7