by Elsewhere 35 Replies latest jw friends
Else
You know, he just doesn't want to face the truth about "the truth". People like this put the blinders and will not allow themselves to be reasoned with. It's too frightening and disturbs their sense of reality. I think you might have better luck with your brother. He's young enough to still handle the idea of change. But this thread really takes me back a few years and how irritated I would get with my wife when I would talk to her about the Witnesses. God, I'm glad we're past that!
Thanks Big Tex... but my brother has stopped responding to my emails.
I'm going to get drunk now.
(((((((((((Elsewhere))))))))))))
I'm so sorry about this. I totally understand. I went through it a few months ago with my parents. I basically said that any contact made would be from them...that I wasn't going to initiate anything anymore. It was the hardest thing I ever did (I bawled for weeks!), but it was the biggest emotional growth step I've made in 10 years! Yes, I've basically "divorced" my family, but I'm proud of myself and I feel so much happier protecting my heart from them.
The other day my mother called me and we spoke for almost 20 minutes. It was a very nice conversation and everything was pleasant and cordial. Funny thing was...I realized after I'd hung up that I didn't really miss my mom that much. Even after hearing all the family news, I really didn't miss them. I felt like I was hearing family news about a family I just didn't know that well. (Not too exciting, yanno?) I know this isn't much consolation now...but it does get easier with time.
You're in my thoughts hon!
Andi
Isn't it sad how many of us here can say with experience they know how you feel. Doesn't help maybe, but you are worth to much to torment yourself. You are the stronger one to get out. Don't forget that, you can't let them drag you down with all the progress you have made.
I hope you can find a measure of peace,
big hugs.
shantelle
Elsewhere, I agree with Andi. I did the same thing..basically disfellowshiped my family and only see them at funerals. It seems harsh at first and some people may think its wrong but it was the best thing for me and I dont regret moving 600 miles away without telling them. It means that they dont control me or my life anymore and it was necessary.
Quite honestly I think that it ends up improving the relationship in a wierd way because like Andi's mom my mother calls me on occasion and we have a nice chat. She knows the deal and she knows that I dont want to hear any of the JW crap. The rest of my family still shuns but quite frankly I dont miss them much either.
It does get easier..you dont need a family that makes you feel like crap. F**K em, like you said. The problem with most of our families is that they think we need them and are miserable without them and without the 'truth'. Once you start by saying F them then you continue by proving you are just fine without them. It may not seem like it at first but you are just fine without them.
flower
Elsewhere,
I felt so bad after reading your first post. I feel so angry that anybody could be so blind as to reject their own child. Even when I was a loyal JW (well, as loyal as a rebellious, mouthy, should-know-better-than-to-question-the-elders sister could be), I would NEVER have turned my back on my children. Don't these people realise what they are doing? Are they so misguided that they think a loving God would approve of a parent denying the existence of their own child? The mind really boggles! You just hang on in there - there are so many loving people on this forum - they could show the JWs a thing or two about true love and humility.
xxR
I feel your pain in my heart, Elsewhere.
I have always been a good "JW" attending meetings regularly, always commenting, doing my "full share" in the field ministry as a regular pioneer, helping the older ones and the "rejects" that don't fit in any cliches, taking care of my alcoholic JW mother (who my JW siblings and elders avoided) and all I got was a kick in the arse and told I wasn't good enough or doing enough. I was in AA parlance, an enabler. When I quit playing that role in my JW family, I was "DF'd" by them. They are a very dysfunctional group that "the truth" has not helped only escalated their illness by giving them another tool/weapon to hurt with.
They have made it easy for me to leave the WTS and no longer enjoy their tender association.
BigTex said,
People like this put the blinders and will not allow themselves to be reasoned with. It's too frightening and disturbs their sense of reality.
I agree with this. It may take as many as 10 years before seeds of what you say bloom. But you have to move on and heal and grow yourself.
We don't choose our family, it is an accident of birth and sometimes we just have to start over. Friends are the family we choose.
It might help to read some books about abusive families. I find that "the truth" is not the only issue going on in families but has hidden underlying family issues.
http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml
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Blondie
Elsewhere, When are you going to appreciate the fact that you are the strong one and your father is the weak one? You are the doctor and your father is the patient? You are the parent and your father is the child?
The strategy I take with believing Witnesses that I have to deal with is the same I take with other fragile theists. I treat them like I do the schizophrenics. I protect their delusions and revere them or pretend to fear them like they do.
To understand how to deal with a believing Jehovah's Witness, establish and keep rapport with a person who suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Once I can do that, I can deal with the Witness. The Witness's delusions are as real to them as a schizophrenics delusions are to her. These are fragile people and their delusions can never be confronted. It is upsetting to them to even have their delusions discussed. Usually when that happens, rapport is lost and contact is lost. On some level they know they are delusions but they need them and they will fight to the end or run away to protect them.
Believing Witnesses are not rational people and can not be dealt with with reason and logic. To establish and keep rapport with a person suffering from Witnessism requires dispensing with right, with logic, and with reason. Rapport requires compromise, silence and understanding that I am dealing with a sick individual.
Since, unlike many of the schizophrenic patients, Witnesses can function in the world and their delusions are only accesses by choice, many of us like flower and myself, remove ourselves from the line of fire as much as possible. I would not try to convince a person suffering from Witnessism that their apocalyptic delusions are not real any more than I will try to convince a Paranoid Schizophrenic that the mail man is not trying to kill them. Both are the same. Both are fragile and both will see me as the enemy if I threaten part of their reality.
Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your experience. gary
Elsewhere,
i understand how you feel! it is sooooo frustrating to talk to someone you love and they just respond with this JW nonsense.
best wishes!!!!
Realist
That's it... after the last two phone calls with my parents and the emails with my brother... I'm done with them.
Hey dude. I have made and heard that statement so many times! One thing to remember is they are as sick and brainwashed as you were......they STILL are!
It sounds like you can still talk to them and that's a good thing. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to drop all conversation about the dubs completely and just be positive and nice.....and enjoy what family you have.....and will only have once.
I know there are examples of ones who push family away by their constant nagging about how wrong the dubs are. I'm not saying this is you.....but the point is made. It sounds like you have gotten no where with them thus far so why not let it go?
I decided a while back to say no more stuff about the dubs to my family and I can STILL at least visit and talk to them. If I persisted in putting the dubs down......they would apply policy with me and I wouldn't be able to have any contact.
I know it's easy to say piss on them.....but ...is it worth having no memories left of your family from here on out? Think hard about this one pal and see if your not just having a "bad time" right now.
Anyways.....we loves ya,
Gumby
Edited by - Gumby on 28 December 2002 9:31:21
