My mother (coldhearted JW she is)

by YellowLab 14 Replies latest social family

YellowLab

This is really bothering me, and I have a need to vent.
Is it normal for grandparents to not take an active interest in their grandchildren? My mother is still a Dub, and I faded away about seven years ago. I have two sons, ages 3 and 4 months. Ever since our first son was born, my mother makes the minimal effort to call us to ask about the kids, how they're doing, and rarely ever comes out to see them. We usually end up taking them to her house (about 25 miles away) where she proceeds to bombard them with kids videos on TV while we're there. What is really frustrating is she is always apprehensive about watching the kids for a few hours while we go out to eat, see a movie, etc. She always says something to make us feel guilty when we ask, like we shouldn't be dropping them off. Just today, my wife called to ask her if she could watch the kids for half the day this weekend so my wife and I could spend some alone time together (which we never get). She responded by laughing and saying, "So are you hating each other yet?" and basically thought it was funny. And not to mention she always makes us feel guilty about the age difference of our sons (just under 3 years apart), that they're too close together. Like that's an excuse not to love them as much! What is up with that! The biggest insult is she wears a shirt that says "Grandmas are for spoiling."
Isn't this behavior odd? Others have commented on how strange it is for a grandparent not to WANT to be part of their grandchildren's lives. I'm starting to see just how coldhearted and selfish Dubs can be. I bet she already thinks that my wife "stole" me away from the going to the hall, so this is her way of getting back at me?
It is a terrible, terrible shame that JWs break up families.
Edited by - YellowLab on 13 January 2003 16:14:39
Edited by - YellowLab on 13 January 2003 16:18:23
Edited by - YellowLab on 13 January 2003 16:28:9
Stephanus

Your hunch is right, YL, she's a bitch!
SheilaM

Yellow:
My husbands parents are the worst Grandparents ever and are dubs, I won't horrify you with the details. Suffice to say we have not seen or spoke to them in over ten years.
What I want you to know it my Father has never been a dub and is unbelievable, he has grandchildren and great grandchildren, he is SO into control he will scream at the kids if they don't eat what is on their plate or if they eat it in a way he doesn't. I always thought I loved my Dad but you know there is a fine line between hate and love and I was so damn scared of him I mistook the two. I thought if I love him enough, if I'm perfect enough...
You KNOW what HE IS AN ASSHOLE he has never attended a graduation etc. Even my step-mother who claims to love kids hasn't seen my step brother daughter since she was an infant and she is now 4.
You didn't have your kids too close together (I in fact like a two year age gap to me three is too much)You are right to want to spend time with your wife(kids leave wives don't) You are wrong in thinking that A) her ways are due to dub ways B) That you can change her C) That she cares that she is hurting you. What you need to do is do what I did I found role models for my children in neighbors and teachers and I quit expecting my Father's eyes to open and see the light. Does it hurt me that he blew off my daughters graduation in 2001 yep (ever the hopeful one) does it hurt me that he won't come to my son's ya. What really gets my goat is that he has NEVER even acknowledged my granddaughters birth no card, no call no kiss my ass or nothin! But I don't let him know that it hurts me, I no longer call or go down there because I spent over 30+ years panting for his approval. He is the ass not me and he will die and miss all the fun and joy that children can bring.
Find someone that will care and love your children they are out there and remember it is your Mother's problem and people like her and my Father and my inlaws is what makes my hubby and I DAMN good grandparents because we chose the right path and they choose the selfish one.
Edited by - SheilaM on 13 January 2003 16:31:50
Edited by - SheilaM on 13 January 2003 16:32:20
target

It is not normal at all but it sounds like she would be like that whether she was a dub or not. The comments about the age difference and such have nothing to do with being a dub. My mother was a cold person and I did not ever ask her to baby sit. Ever. And she was not a dub.
Millie
Makena1

YL - sorry your dub mom is giving you such crap. Sounds like some serious passive agressive 'tude going on.
My wife and I can relate. My dad, (super JW, ex missionary, CO, Bethelite, band leader, PO - deceased this year) NEVER took the initiative to call and ask about our kids. And this was while we were still in, and I was serving as a MS, later elder, and wife was pioneering. Granted, this happened while he was in his late 60's, throughout his 70's - age should not have been an excuse. He would write out an occasional $20 check for the kids, which I am guessing covered in his mind his grandfather duties. He probably thought spending anytime thinking about, or doing anything with the grandkids took time away from personal study and worshipping the Watchtower, uh, I mean Jehovah.
In contrast, my mother (passed away 10 years ago) was more like a traditional grandma - although at times she did give us the impression that she was doing us a big favor when we dropped off my daughter.
Mother in law almost never said NO, to having our daughter stay with her, which was appreciated. However, she is bi-polar, always on the verge of dying (she is still alive after 75+ years of imagined and real illnesses) and may have contributed to our daughters depression!???
Bottom line, we have not had good experiences with grandparents.
Mak
OK - threw venting for now. ; )
Edited by - Makena1 on 13 January 2003 16:39:32
mpatrick

We must be related!
I don't know how "normal" it is, but my JW mother treats my children indifferent and has always made it well known that she doesn't babysit.
She recently told me that it is hard for her to get close to her (6)grandchildren that are not JWs because she doesn't want to get to close to them and then they be destroyed at Armaggedon. Yet she is very close to my JW sister and her children and spends a lot of time with them, even driving two hours(each way) on a regular basis to see them.
I have learned over the years to not let it bother me...I can't MAKE her want to spend time with her grandchildren. My husband's Baptist parents aren't much better, so I think it is more a "bad" grandparent syndrome than a JW thing (even though I don't think being a JW helps the matter).
Country Girl

Yellow:
Id doesn't mean she's cold or even that she hates your kids. It just means that she does't want to watch your children. I know we all *love* that old ideal where our grandparents were glad to see us, showed us great kindness and love, and were oh so tolerant. I have to admit, all grandparents are not like that, nor should they be expected to be. I will be *so happy* to be a grandparent, and will gladly take my son's kids whenever he has em. But there are people that are NOT happy to be Grandparents, per se. It's not their fault.
I myself never wanted children. I hated them. I was made to raise five brothers while I was in the JW's. My Mother didn't particularly like children, but she liked babies. So, while she kept on having babies, and liked them til they were two, she'd pass em on to me to raise afterwards.
The only reason I have a son is because it was an accident. I got used to it.. and actually was a good Mother. I can't say I ever wanted to do it again.. nor have I had the desire to do it sinc, and I do understand those who think babies are not cute, nor are they obligated to babysit or cuddle them just because they are related. It'd be NICE, but that's not always the way it is. Would you wanna leave your kids with someone that isn't as fascinated with them as you are?
CG
Sara Annie

I can't pretend to understand this particular woman's attitude. My own parents (and my in-laws) are certifiably crazy about their grandchildren. If we didn't call them to babysit, they'd meet us at our door and demand that we take a day for ourselves and abduct our children then and there.
I do know, however, that some grandparents don't enjoy babysitting. I have heard of more than one grandparent that believes that they raised their own children, and that their responsibility as a grandparent is not that of a parent. On the other hand, I know of several people with loving parents who dote on their children who take ridiculous advantage of the situation. Grandparents are under no obligation to babysit a child whenever their parents desire them to, either.
As for the particular grandmother in question, it very well could be her JW mentality, but it might be that she's just a miserable person, period, and not the type of woman you'd want to have great influence on your child, whether she's their grandmother or not. One particularly distasteful take on the situation that keeps running through my head is an attitude expressed by a very unpleasant woman in my office who has two children, a son and a daughter, who each have 2 children. She once told me that she favored her daughter's children because she could be certain that they were her "real" grandchildren. She said that even though she was fond of her daugher-in-law, her son's children could possibly NOT be her biological grandchildren. She told me in a satisfied voice that her own mother had shared that nugget of wisdom with her, and she felt it was a sensible way to explain herself when accused of favoritism. It never ceases to amaze me what people will actually say out loud to others.
If it were me, I would try to console myself with the fact that my children are deeply loved by their parents, and that attempting to foster a loving relationship with a grandparent unable to nurture them would do more harm than good.
SheilaM

My Mother didn't particularly like children, but she liked babies. So, while she kept on having babies, and liked them til they were two, she'd pass em on to me to raise afterwards.

Country Girl:
I was shocked when you said this, my hubbies Mother was exactly the SAME he had 11 brothers and sisters and raised them all I had never seen a Mother just act like a child didn't exist after the age of two. I never heard anyone else express it that way. I'm sure he'd love to compare experiences and share some baggage with you.
mpatrick

My Mother didn't particularly like children, but she liked babies. So, while she kept on having babies, and liked them til they were two, she'd pass em on to me to raise afterwards.
This was my mom too, she loved babies... except she passed them on to my dad who didn't seem to mind at all....my dad was a great dad and spent a lot of time with us. I did have to do alot of babysitting though, since I was the second oldest of seven.

My mother (coldhearted JW she is)

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