by Tatiana 84 Replies latest jw experiences
April, for all that you've been through in your life. It sure didn't prevent you from being the wonderful, kind soul that you are today.
I'm sorry you had such a hard life growing up. Do you see your father now?
You should email your number to me. I'd love to talk to you seeing we have been friends for so long on the forum. Just one warning though. It takes me a while to warm up over the phone, but when I do, you might need to tell me to shut up.
Shari
Eman...I am sorry you feel that way. You are right, my life has been nothing but emotional overkill, so I have no choice but to write the way I feel. This is the only way I know of to get rid of the ghosts. It's been held in so long, it was killing me. Literally. I'm sorry. I'm not a "tough" person. I've always been very emotional. Very sensitive, much to my detriment. Truth be told, I would forgive my mother all, if she would only say, "I'm sorry."
Nightwarrior, I did make choices, but each one of us is shaped by our past. Some say the past is the past. Forget it and move on. If only it were that easy, no one would be on this board. Like my sister, women who are abused as children, will very likely end up as abused spouses. And you'd think that an intelligent person would realize what the pattern is and break it. This is a big source of my depression. Why can't I shake it? Why the hell can't I let it go? God knows I want to. And I don't "envy" my half-sister. I am so happy for her that she had the life she did. And has. I am trying to find some sort of reference point. Some way that I can relate to her. I have communicated with her. She is trying too. But, she can't understand what my life has been like. I'm happy she can't. I have written my father too. He now understands what our lives were like. He says he wishes he'd pulled out his pistol and shot that witness at the door. But Mum, he hasn't offered to help with any education. He sends me a little money from time to time. $100.00 for Christmas. $25.00 for my birthday. I don't know if we'll ever be really close. He acts like he'd rather not discuss it. It makes him very uncomfortable. I can understand that.
As for changing my life, Nightwarrior,.....the only thing that will change it is education. I was supposed to start Northwestern in the fall, but loan application screw-ups, job-hunting, and depression, have postponed this till spring. That's my "next step."
As for my children, the older ones grew up with the same discipline I had. I knew no better. I thought that's what the Bible taught. But, I DID change. I started reading lots of books on the pros and cons of corporal punishment. I realized just by looking at my childhood, it doesn't work. When I moved to Chicago, I decided to stop any physical punishment. I didn't want my youngest boys to be afraid of me, or obey me because they were going to get the crap beat out of them. I have never whipped either of them. And I have such a great relationship with them both. They have restrictions and rules, but they can also tell me anything. And they don't have to lie to keep from being hit in the face. I make it a point NOT to be anything like my mother.
Lucky....yes, that was me that told the story of my step aunt who died of lung cancer. I'm glad you decided to start posting. I'm touched that you remembered that thread.
ydidIanswerthedoor---great name!!!! My older son, Chris, who has posted here a few times, actually told me the same thing. But, he said if I did write a book about my life growing up a witness, and the things that happened, no one would believe it. He told me I'd have to document everything. Include court transcripts of the rape, coroner's reports for my sister, medical files on my aunt, etc. But, like they say...."truth" is truly stranger than fiction.
Mulan....I don't know about "fortitude". I have come so very close to not being here. I'm scared. And I'm trying with every ounce of what I do have left, to stop that from happening. Writing here is the only way I can think of at this second..until I can find help.
Lilacs....I will email you. I am kind of the same way. So, maybe we can just breathe on the phone for a few minutes, then I'll tell you a good joke.
To everyone else who took the time to read this and respond, even negatively, thank you. It means more than you'll ever know.
wind.....xena....seven....Jim.....we've been here so long it seems.....
nilfun.....wheel......warrigal.....somebody....mac.....sloboy.....JeffT......reborn......jgnat....sheilam
.....xandria....yizuman...SIMON......Hmmm.......Estee........kelpie....mackin.....stephanus.....TR......xray
wednesday.......scully..dolphin...dinky......banshee...calamityjane.....msjam......outnfree.....think......
yerusalyim......cruzanheart....auntiem......xjw......OldHippie and eman
Love....
April
Edited by - Tatiana on 22 January 2003 5:24:58
Tatiana ---
Keep your chin up, gal. All that you have described about the emotionalism, constant repetition of the same mistakes, etc., are normal human reactions to those types of circumstances. One cannot overcome them unless they first understand them. What you are doing is exactly the right thing to do at this time. Put it down and bring it out in the open. The result is much like what happens when as kids we were afraid that there were monsters under the bed, and we took a look with the flashlight. Those fears then become finite and not as fearsome.
Just don't stop. While there's no rush, don't forget to complete that story. When you make that last period after the last sentence, it's almost like a door closing on the past, and now we feel freer and more eager to move into the future.
Should you ever wish to write or speak to an ugly old man who loves his role in life as a father, I'd be honored.
LoneWolf
Tatiana,
Superb response if I may say so.
Englishman, who has been known to get emotional himself at times..
(((((((((( April )))))))))) I have no words...just know my heart goes out to you.
Cowboy
Hi Tatiana------ WELCOME
My heart goes out to you.
Your truly a diamond but, you won't always be in the rough.
Love to you ---------Searchin50
(((((Tatiana)))))
Thank you for sharing your very sad life story with us. I know that the lurkers here will take to heart all the pain and suffering in your life that started with that one fateful "knock" on the door. Hopefully those lurkers who read of the pain you have suffered will think twice about having that "free" bible study offered, because when all is said and done, IT IS NOT FREE! And, those that lurk and are active witnesses, think about the lives you disrupt and destroy with each witness you convert. It is absolutely criminal!
I agree with your son. Document everything, keep a journal, you have a very unique writing style, it could come in handy one day. My grandmother at 95 decided to write a book on her life. My father helped her with putting it together and they tried to have it published. They never did get it published, but all her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren have a record of her contribution to our family. I loved her for that. I could never thank her enough for leaving that legacy to the family.
Take care of yourself,
Mrs. Shakita
this is mrs nightwarrior
I have just sat and read all the pieces that you have posted, and I all I can say is that my heart is breaking for you, and you deserve so much happiness.......may you go and do well for yourself and your boys.... life is a struggle, and we hope that sometimes the struggle makes us into better people, well all I know is that I would love to have you for a friend, because all the problems that you have faced, you deserve all the friends you can have, REAL friends, ones that care, and who would hug you and make you feel better, especially on days when that black cloud just wants to engulf you.... my email address is on the profile, I know that we are in the uk, but hey that is the great thing about the web, you can have friends from all over the world, and the responses that I have read are from REAL friends, and how blessed you are to have such wonderful friends, who have all taken time to chat with you - I know some make daft comments, but have you noticed, these are usually from men LOL need I say more...
You are in our thoughts, lots of love and hugs
Mrs Nightwarrior and Him indoors LOL
Tatiana
You make a point within your lifes story concerning subconciouse thoughts stuck in your memory about,stealing food for your children ,this i see as a loving mother whom found herself on hard times,whom wouldnot let her children go hungry,i know that given your circumstances ,evey loving person would have done the same thing, i say you borrowed the food ,reminds myself of the time my mother some 30 years ago, with 6 kids at the time, god bless her ,was in a simulair situation as regards no money,living in the country she stole as is defined by mans law ,five pounds of potatoes from a farmers field due to circumstances,she was stopped by the police and charged etc etc again we see a woman fending for her kids ,some would condem but jesuss followers would say so what,big deal get over your actions as defied by society as to right and wrong ,if your hungry one must eat,
If you still feel awkward then all you have to do is repay the cost of what you used say to a person whom may be in need,say a tramp,even an hungry child,use this as the catholiccs do as for attonment say confession ,then your conciounce may be spared from whatever, but every good act passed onto someome in need makes this world a better place to live in ,my wife wants to adopt you but i wouldnot go that far ,
hope your life turns around into a succsess story,
you allso mention that IF,your mother said sorry then all would be forgiven, sorry i dont see that as benifitting you and all the problems you have experienced,
the reason why i say this is that sometimes the older generation dont want to see the harm that they have committed against there offspring,they wont admitt that they are or were wrong ,if she said sorry to you then she would be saying that jehovahs ways were wrong,in the way she handled the matter,sorry to say this but you dont study the scriptures for 2 weeks and then decide to leave your husband,do you think that she had decided on this type of action before she started studying with the borg,and used this as a planed excuse for leaving your farther,just a thought.
may the creator continue to bless you in all avenues .
Dear Tatiana,
Horrific!
I am one of many sisters. Four have the same parents. We four no longer attend the KH. We four have had similar struggles. Much in your story I could identify with.
I agree with you. Education is the way out. I work 40+ hrs a week and go to college. I am in my mid forties. I read something beautiful on the board at school the other day:
"Knowledge is not information, Knowledge is transformation".
I have my share of PostTraumaticStressDisorder, Al-Anon Issues, Abandonment & Rejection issues etc. All I can say is, if you are triggered or frightened or despairing, get help. Reach out. Go to Al-Anon or CoDependents Anonymous or a Women's Shelter. Find out why we repeat harmful patterns in our life. First and Foremost, Love yourself, nurture and care for yourself the way you wish your Mother would have. She is incapable of stepping up and doing that job. Only you can do it now.
All the best. No criticism. Only Empathy.
SloBoy's Spouse
