And to answer the OPs question, what does my baptism mean to me now...
when I look back, I remember an idealistic young woman who truly believed she was giving her life to the service of God, to serve him totally and wholeheartedly, to be clean mentally, physically, morally, spiritually... To know and have the love and acceptance of the most Sovereign person of the universe, the great and wonderful loving creator, Jehovah...!!
.... to do his will... to be his instrument, to be meek and humble and obedient and live a godly life of total devotion to him... and to his organization. Can't forget that! - His organization!! The two are always joined: "Jehovah and his visible organization. Jehovah and his earthly organization. Jehovah and his organization. Jehovah and his representatives. Jehovah and his loving arrangements and provisions through his organization on earth today." On and on.
I see a young woman whose life had been in chaos and depression following a series of life tragedies who had been "rescued" and saved and "made holy and clean" by studying these little books from God's own representatives on earth.
(Yes, it's nauseating...)
I see this young woman being totally indoctrinated, and caught so deep it would take 25 years to begin listening to her doubts and start questioning....
I was attracted to the clean, shiny, sparkling life and its purity and the "wholesome" people..... I wanted to be like that.... And indeed I was (in that goddamn smarmy self-righteous yet deprecating way!) for so many long years.
I see a person who doesn't exist anymore.
I see my baptism as a baby stepping toward gaining approval... and living afterward a life of constantly seeking that approval and never being good enough or "living up to my dedication".....
An anxious life, filled with the doom and gloom cloud of utter destruction that could descend any moment, from which I might "probably" be saved if only I kept doing enough and being holy enough.....
I see a person who was led by lies, by clever manipulation of fears and dreams and hopes.... A person who was trusting and open .... and now I question everything!! To call me a cynic now might be accurate.
I still have hopes and dreams and fears, but they are toward my family, toward their betterment and well being. My life is turned toward community and yes, politics, and the inclusion of doing things for society, not standing away from it. To practice and learn what charity really means! I feel more connected to life, to the preciousness and rareness of life and consciousness.... to have the feeling and belief that we are all in this together, we are connected in a larger society and community which is important! and vital! and meaningful! I feel like I have rejoined the human race, but some days like a baby again.... deciding what to do and how and just who I really am.... It is a journey now of constant discovery and open-ness.... and of way less judgment toward others, and more compassion and empathy towards people.
