Why don't victims tell about their abuse. (page 4)

flower

That really hit home bg..its wierd readin something that you feel like you wrote yourself. I fantasized too very similarly when I was a kid.... And dreamed the best dreams where I was always safe and cared for and totally believed and respected by whoever it was that was my savior of that particular dream. But when it came down to it, in reality there were opportunities to end things that were going on yet I was never capable of voicing the words that needed to be said in order to do so. I planned it out more than once. I played in my head exactly what I would say and what would happen after I did. But it never happened. I came so close so many times too. I remember once I dont know how old I was I think like 15 or something...I called my cousin in philadelphia who I adored. He was a cousin by marraige and I thought he and his wife were the nicest, coolest people I'd ever met even though they were witnesses. I called him and started to say the words that were echoing in my head for so many months prior. I think I ended up just crying into the phone and then hanging up. He called later just to make sure I was home and never spoke about it again. Now if I see him at a family function he turns away as if he doesnt see me because I am df'd. Another time, I remember reading a watchtower article that said if you have a secret that is bad its good to find someone in the congregation that you could talk to. I remember writing a long letter to a pioneer sister that I always liked. I knew I could never say the words so I poured out my heart on paper. I hated my self for a long time after that because I was too spineless to ever send or give it to her. It was just more than I could fathom anyone knowing about me. It does bring back a lot of feelings...even after you think they are gone which is why i normally stay out of these threads like this..which I should have done. :(

Billygoat

(((Flower)))

I actually ran away once when I was 14 or 15. To a pioneer couple's home in the next town. My best friend's (who was worldly) brother drove me there. I was so stupid. The couple took me back to my parents and it was SO MUCH worse after that. I SHOULD have gone to someone worldly. I wish I'd have let my best friend tell her parents about the abuse. But I swore her to secrecy. It was bad enough that I had such a crappy home life when hers was so good. (All-American family, great mom and dad that loved their kids, one dog, one cat, etc.) Letting them know that my dad beat the $#!+ out of us on a continual basis would have been too much to bear. It was humiliating enough as it was.

Damn my father. Damn him, damn him, damn him.

Flower, one thing's for sure. My future child will NEVER endure what I had to endure. I would give up having children if that were a possibility. Thank God I have the most tenderhearted man for a husband who came from a great loving family.

Lady Lee

(((Flower and Andi)))

aw the decision to tell. I too had a teacher I wanted to tell. But I didn't. I too had rehearsed it so many times. But like you Flower the words just never came out.

What I realize now is that I was scared. What if they didn't believe me?
What if they did believe me but I had to go back home?
What if they believed me but blamed me too?
What if they stopped caring about me?

I think that last one was a huge one that I wasn't willing to risk. Somebody cared was too precious for me to tell them I was so unloved at home (because of course in my mind I deserved it)

I finally told about my father because there was medical proof and a doctor was involved. And I was too scared to outright lie. I was not believed and he was later caught in the act.

My step-father was caught in the act. But the price of that was to lose my whole family. That is a huge price for a child to pay for honesty

flower

My son will not have those fears ever as long as I breath. Nothing scares me more nowadays than thinking what will happen if something ever happens to me. The only family he has are the same people who I grew up with and who caused me years of pain. Its hard enough for me to make friends to hang out with let alone someone who will care for a child if something were to happen to me. I cant even think about that too much because it makes me sick to think he would go to them and be raised in that house if something happened to me.

That really sucks what happened when you ran away..stupid witnesses. I ran away and built a little hideaway in the woods when I was young, complete with an old book study folding chair and a carpet lol....and not much else. I would go there in the summer and cry. I'll bet that 20 years later the chair and rug are still there in the woods.

((lee)) Sometimes I think in some cases it is better for a kid to not tell. To just deal with it and get through it until you are old enough to leave the situation is worth the alternative sometimes. What do you think?

Lady Lee

Flower

I think in some cases there isn't much choice. I know for me that the fear of what my father would do if I tried to leave was huge. This is a man I saw strangle my mother (before she knocked him out and the police came. I watched him kill my kittens in front of me while he threatened to do the same if I didn't listen. We had good reason to fear him. If he hadn't be caught I would have stayed until I was old enough to leave. I knew I couldn't do that at 6 or 10.

To survive many kids need the silence. It helped us just as many other ways to survive helped us do just that - survive.

But those old techniques don't work in the adult world. Thankfully not everyone is like our parents.

Lady Lee

PS Don't ever regret or blame yourself for what you did to survive. We were little kids with few tools to deal with the abuses in our lives and we were dependant on and at the mercy of our captors. We were not to blame for being in that situation. We did our best and we did survive.

And now we are free to change it so we don't pass it on

Frannie Banannie

Well, she didn't believe me, Lee....my older sis told me my step-father convinced her I was sick/crazy and it was left at that....but I know the truth....and so does my older sis...and her daughter....and my own children know the truth.....This is all that matters to me, now.

Hugs,

Fran

Sassy

I never saw this thread before or its predecessor you refer to in the beginning............since they were before my time here. Interesting reading..

I guess I am not even sure why I never told about some things that happened to me. It was a friend of my fathers. He wasn't a JW but a neighbor. I never told a soul until my mother pressed me to go to the man's funeral (I was an adult with children of my own then) and I refused and finally she pushed me to explain why all the years she had detected something about my hating him even though he was a family friend. I never told my dad.. I assumed it would do no good. Better to leave things be.

Lady Lee

Interesting comment Sassy that you thought it would do no good. I suspect you knew your parents well enough to know what kind of reaction they would have. Trust that. It was probably a good decision

UpAndAtom

I kept quite because I knew I was capable of dealing with the abuse. I simply said to myself, "It's not my fault. What he did was wrong. I will never place myself in such a situation again, and I will make sure that my friends and family keep their distance from Person X". Which I did. Whenever the subject came up about person X, I just said, "I'd rather not visit there anymore, I didn't enjoy myself". My parents didn't ask further, and I didn't feel the need to explain it any further. This was on two occasions when I was about 9 and again around 12.

Although young, I often remember feeling superior to my parents; more intelligent, almost as if they were "my" parents and I had to look after them and their feelings. Even as a boy of 3 years old I remember humouring my father. Now tell me, how many children of 3 years old "humour their father' to spare his feelings? None. I'm very different in some respects.. and so too are my reasons for not telling them about the abuse.

I could tell them even now, but in all honestly I can't see the point. If anything, they are less capable of dealing with it now, and I am even more capable than I was when a boy.

I suppose I just wanted you to see a different type of reason for ?not telling?. ?Feeling superior to your parents, and thinking I can deal with it better than they can?

Why don't victims tell about their abuse.

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