I guess I am two people at once right now. My heart is not in the "truth" but I am keeping up with it for the sake of the family. I attend many of the meetings although I told my wife I refuse to take the bookstudy seriously till they start studying something of interest. (probably won't happen) I've set boundaries as to what I will and won't do. I have not been out in service for a long time and refuse to go. How can I persuade others to join something I don't fully believe.
The intersting thing is that my life hasn't fallen apart like would be expected. I have a good job in management, I'm faithful to my patient, wonderful wife and am even losing weight for health reasons. My kids still love me (last time I checked) and we are't the Osborns.
On the suggestion from some of you I am taking it slow but am starting to understand things better as if a cloud is slowly being lifted. I don't have any privledges in the congo because I am inactive and don't care although I really miss handling the roving mics. It gave me such a sense of control. (HA!)
I view myself as not so much a hypocrite then as being in transition.
By the way, I was always told people like you were supposed to be crazy and irrational and so full of hatred and possesed that they couldn't reason on anything. You're not supposed to make so much sense!