Wake Me Up....If you are expecting to or wanting to get disfellowshipped don't even go to the elder's backroom dungeon court. Don't give them the satisfaction of exercising their control over you. Be your own boss and keep in touch with your new family here at this site. Here you can feel the love that is not conditional. You can be who you are and say what you want without the fear of being counseled or being out of bounds.
I'm New
by Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho 209 Replies latest members meetups
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Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho
@AllTimeJeff: "I use this forum as my first journal."
I've heard a few people say that. Now that I go back to the beginning (page three, to be exact), I see this from early WHAM!:
Literally the antithesis of how I feel now. It took many, many months of unsettling treatment on their part - which included their dismissal of a lengthy letter in the form of email, as you've mentioned.you're considering doing. That letter I emailed my parents a year ago was one of the most raw, heartfelt and personal manifestos I'd ever written. I reached a crescendo in the few paragraphs (I'll include in a separate comment below). And you know what response I got?
Nothing.
However, a week or so later while bringing WHAM! Jr to visit his grandparents, my mother jeered at my "long email to dad." She mocked me, telling me that the incidents I'd recited in that letter from childhood were "made up stories". The gleam in her eye smacked of philistine arrogance. And as for my father? He kept tight-lipped about the letter, refusing to even acknowledge that he read it at all. I don't know why it I stuck around for an additional seven months after that day. One thing that I can say about the last half a year without my parents is... I've never felt that soul-searing pang of invalidation that only a parent can inflict upon their child again.
So, for all those tolerating similarly unhealthy bonds of kinship, ask yourself how many more scars you're willing to justify JUST because the ones holding the knife are your parents.
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Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho
Excerpt from my letter to my father, sent at 22:36 on Jun 15, 2017:
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So to bring us back to why I have so much pent-up emotion and anger over things... I can sum it up in two words: cognitive dissonance. You and my mother gave me life. You nurtured me as a child and you provided for me. Biologically, I am inclined to love, appreciate, respect and seek security in your approval.Yet here's where the mental clash occurs: I've woken up and become acutely aware of how much psychological damage you and her exposed me to. If it weren't for the religion she and you indoctrinated me from birth with, I wouldn't be facing this crisis of conscience. I wouldn't be having these emotional scars and intense feeling of betrayal after having uncovered the fact that my whole life was a lie. I've pulled back the curtain slightly for you to see the corruption and deceit on the part of the society - the very organization I was taught to believe as "the truth" and the ONLY way to live a happy life.After choosing to raise me this way, you simply do not have the RIGHT to shut me down when I come to you about these distressing matters I now face. You don't get to quiet me down and leave me with a terse "YOU believe what YOU choose to, but WE don't want to hear about it." You don't want to hear about it? That is hypocrisy on a level that only the Society can reckon with. I spent almost my entire LIFE listening to you. My entire childhood and subsequent outlook on life was shaped by you. Now it's your turn to listen. You don't get to shut me up and tell me to deal with this morality crisis on my own while you and mum absolve yourself of any of the responsibility you had in leading me to this crossroads.You indoctrinated me as a Jehovah's Witness from birth. How is it that you can block your ears and edit out of your mind any of the distressing information I have been sharing with you? And the information is not a "matter of personal opinion" - I provide you with EVIDENCE. Not hearsay. You raised me in a cult, and it was one of the worst things you and mum could have done for me. For her to then say "I feel sorry for this infant," tonight (referring to WHAM! Jr) is another slap in my face. My son absolutely DESERVES to see my open defiance to such injustice, to this thought-control you and my mother seem to seek refuge in. My silence on the matter would only be reinforcing my acceptance of it. Mum may feel such unwarranted pity for my son, but I can assure you that I will be the kind of parent who raises a child who never has to question my integrity, honesty or love for him the way I question yours. Mark my words.From the plethora of research available out there, what seems to stand out is that people who leave high-demand, high-control, authoritarian environments tend to be more personally self-aware of their own thoughts and motivations and have a higher commitment to personal integrity and honesty than the group. They have sufficient personal courage to live separately in spite of the emotionally painful consequences associated with leaving. And what I see from you and mum are nothing but "straw-man arguments" (giving the impression of refuting my arguments by refuting an argument that I never even advanced to you. Eg, Me: "Dad, there is blood on the Governing Body's hands. You: "Well, if you think they are all murderers, then..."; Me: "Mum, children are suffering because of the harmful policies in place that allow pedophiles to slip through the cracks." Mum: "Tell me, did anyone molest you while you were in the Kingdom Hall?" Just to name a few), the obfuscation of questions (Eg, Mum: "Ferdinand, do the elders have a book they don't tell anyone about?" You: "I'm not an elder anymore." Me: "That's not the question, Dad." You: "Well, you seem to know better." You still wouldn't answer the simple question), and the flat-out refusal to set matters straight by denying there's a problem at all. And I have too many examples of that and quotations to list.I will not "keep [my] opinion to [my]self." I did that for years. And I've reached breaking point. I'm a parent now. And I know exactly what lengths I will go through to make my son heard fairly even in his adult years. I'm sick of the superficial pledges of undying love from mum ("I will buy you a house. I will die for you - you want me to die for you? I cut off my arms for you"), when the two of you are so clearly prepared to close your ears and silence me when all I want is to be heard and taken seriously. Mum may blame her sickness and blood pressure on me "stressing her out" and "driving her crazy". I'm sorry, but if I hadn't been lied to for so many years by the organization you both indoctrinated me with, we wouldn't be in this predicament! There would be no division in this family where I'm seeing my own parents choose an organization with a shocking track record over their OWN DAUGHTER. The fault of this pain, anger, hurt, emotional and physical sickness does not lie with me. And if you had an ounce of sincere rectitude, you cannot deny that the fault lies with the dishonesty of Watchtower.I will leave you with a quote from Edmund Burke, and Irish political philosopher who lived from 1729 to 1797. Centuries later, it still rings true:"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."So, Dad, I have to ask you: when are you done doing nothing?WHAM!*** -
AllTimeJeff
That's some powerful stuff. Good for you. My dad is no longer an active part of my life, so my tone is a little different. I would expect no reply. It would almost be a goodbye letter of sorts.
One thing I have learned in my quest for psychologically healthy thinking, is that regardless of how a grown child decides to handle their "in" parents, it is important that you acknowledge and deal with your unique issues. At the end, my mom left the JW's and we very much reconciled. She apologized to me, I apologized to her. I love and miss her to this very day. Dad ran, in large part because his cycle of abuse that he experienced taught him to do that. He wasn't born in, he was recruited door to door in the late 60's. Rather than seek professional help for his many issues, he followed the GB and WT. It helped for some issues on the surface, but ultimately he had to hide who he really is. Of all things I don't want to end up like, it's that. On the run from myself. And thus, that is the theme of the email I am writing him.
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stuckinarut2
Yes! A truly powerful letter indeed - and it is so sad that they didn't even acknowledge it.
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Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho
@AllTimeJeff I flicked to the beginning of your "journal" and started reading your earlier posts. You do sound different after a decade. I can't decide if you're simply jaded, or in a state of acceptance of where the chips have fallen. One thing for sure, no man undergoes what you've been through in terms of loss, pain and suffering, and comes out unaffected, if not hardened up.
As it seems, you've been relentless in your pursuit to understand the psychology behind your pain, disappointment and loss in order for you to progress to the generativity stage of your life. One small step for Erik Erikson. One giant leap for @AllTimeJeff.
@Sour Grapes I'm by no means a veteran of this site... but that OP you responded to was written several heartaches ago.
@stuckinarut2 Not just didn't acknowledge it - SCOFFED at it! Here's what makes a cult parent so different to a regular parent: your child pours out their deepest feelings and rawest wounds in a bid to hand you the solutions to their anguish (a simple, "I'm so sorry - I had no idea," or even, "I can see you're serious about this. Here's specifically what I disagree with..."), and instead of granting your child the validation they're so desperately pleading for, you mock them further into their shell of pain. I took notes through the whole encounter to ensure I never inflict onto WHAM! Jr the same emotional savagery my parents gaslit me with.
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freddo
Good God Jo-Ho!
You write like a ninja wordsmith!
They MOCKED because they are deluded fools who have no reply.
(Ecclesiastes 7:6) . . .For as the crackling of thorns burning under the pot, so is the laughter of the fool; and this too is futility.
Thorns of course, burn fast and brightly but produce no heat after the first few seconds; they are useless. -
humbled
Wake me,
Your words and the responses here are treasures. Your journey has been astonishing and your insights incredibly sharp, fair. And damning to the cult. In fact providing sure evidence of its being a cult.
There have been a few standout threads in my spotty memory in my times on the board but this one l mark—just as have others.
l hope as you move on in life you will continue posting a timeline of your experiences. Though they are specific to you there is so much in your gift with thought and expression that is both of broad and deep value. You have given generously in your pain and your strength. And your posting has clearly provided a catalyst for others’ good posts. I have not in recent times seen such raw honesty so powerfully and deftly wielded as yours .
So thanks.
Maeve
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AllTimeJeff
@wokejo-ho, I am not sure myself. Truthfully, my grandfathers funeral and the overall experience was mighty powerful. Still processing. I'd like to think I can stay as idealistic as when I first left. I want to. Not sure of the utility in it sometimes...
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Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho
@freddo: "You write like a ninja wordsmith!" Oh my gosh, that's an amazing compliment. Thanks for making me smile :). That scripture from Ecclesiastes is so spot on. Love it.
@humbled: "Your words and the responses here are treasures... I have not in recent times seen such raw honesty so powerfully and deftly wielded as yours ." Maeve, that's so kind of you. You once wrote about a hang up you've been dealing with when forming companionship - particularly a reluctance you experience in accepting friendliness women. From one woman to another, I hope you can believe me when I really do think of you as a friend. Your 2018 bio update really touched me.
@AllTimeJeff: "I'd like to think I can stay as idealistic as when I first left. I want to. Not sure of the utility in it sometimes..."
I think being idealistic is fine - so long as you're acutely aware of the inversion of that ideal: reality. And I think that's what Jehovah's Witnesses have lost touch with by being so caught up in their starry-eyed ideals. Consider the Witnesses from South Africa in the late 60s. They refused to align themselves with the leading anti-apartheid political movements whose goal was for ending segregation. The reason was nothing short of idealistic: "Only Jehovah's Kingdom can bring about such solutions in the coming months." Thy kingdom didn't cometh. But Satan's system managed to fix this murderous etymology.
On the flip side, being overly jaded can leave one in a nihilistic despair with a severe case of inaction. And I get it: just being alive gives us enough reasons to be resentful in our existence... everyone you know and love is going to die, including you. And there's going to be a fair bit of pain along the way - lots which will be unfair. But if we can us this sobering realization to drive us to transcend our suffering and work toward making the suffering of others less, then that's the way forward. It is, at least as far as I can tell.