please help me understand

by needs_lots 13 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

• 

  needs_lots

  This is a difficult thing, abuse. Its takes years for abuse victums to come to terms with the abuse. What I don't understand is how family members can treat you as if you were the abuser. I have family members who won't talk to me, and I have never done anything to them. I just don't understand. Yet my father gets sympathy from them. "poor dad, he is so scared that his new girlfriend will find out about the abuse, this trial has marked him forever, do you see what you have done, its hard for us as your brothers and sisters to listen to you about the trial and your pain." All things I hear all the time. No matter how much I try, Iam always the bad one. So I try and keep my pain to myself. But it hurts, and they don't seem to understand that. Its like they are saying" we don't care how you feel, its your problem not mine" Why does it have to be this way. I don't call them everyday or even every month and tell them about the trial. I only talk about it when something new has happened. They are not even jw's anymore either. But then maybe its me. Maybe I have become someone that I don't see. Are they seeing someone they don't know anymore. Am I really a person who has so much anger, that even I don't see it.

  Time feels like its taking its toll. SOmetimes I feel like I could just leave all this behind. Run away, and start again. No abuse, no pain, a fresh start. I feel like the barrer of the ring. Like frodo. I don't know how much longer I can bear this burden. I just wish someone else could do it for a while, so I can breath again, and love again, and feel happy when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night.

  Is this what I was put on this earth to do. How long must a person carry these things.

  vic

  vic
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  Hi Needs_Lots.

  Sorry to read of your situation. It seems like a never ending revictimization of the abused. Not the abuser; like the victim is wrong no matter what, for having spoken out. It's peculiar, but I have heard this repeated many times.

  I am sad to read this Needs, and I think it is important to speak-up and share: you are NOT the wrong one, but wrongly victimized needlessly and endlessly. The cycle of abuse (physical and mental) has to stop. You don't need this, period.

  Of course, I do not know you, but I would hope that you were able to utilize the benefits of counselling. Not that we're pscyhologists or psychiatrists on here, but there are some who would be very familiar with your plight.

  Hang in there, thanks for being brave enough to share this on here.

  I think what speaks louder is the denial on behalf of 'others' you have encountered who continually revictimize you for your stand against 'said offending' individual.

  Please stick around here Needs_Lots, if this forum can impart anything, if nothing else, a kind and empathic ear and encouragement when necessary.

  Best wishes, and be strong! Thanks for sharing.
• 

  outoftheorg

  Hi Needs.

  It is easy to see that you are hurting. When one is hurting we turn to others for help and especially for understanding, of how all of these things are hurtful to oneself. I learned "the hard way" that relatives and ones we are close to, make very poor counselors. They have a hard time dealing with this because, there are so many intermixed connecting ties to you and others in the family.

  I will give you an example. When my now x wife divulged that she was raped by her brother, her uncle and her mothers boyfriends, she was told by her counselor, that confronting her brother to start with, would help in her healing. She did this and was promptly scolded by her sister and mother for making her brother upset. My x got angry with all of her relatives and turned to me for understanding and help.

  I did help her for over a year and worked with her and the counselor. Then she pursued her family for forgivness and acceptance and turned her anger on me.

  The counselor labeled this as missplaced anger and said it is a common occurance for one in this position to turn all the anger on the one closest to them. This is done, to reconstruct the family they really never had. But the percieved loss is too much for them.

  This is just one of many irrational things that happen in situations like this. There is a saying in mental health teachings." A family is only as healthy and sane as the sickest one in it." My answer to you would be to find a good counselor and work through these things that way. It is often disapointing to work things out with or, explain things to close family.

  Really it is up to US to find emotional healing and well being. It is OUR feelings and hurt that are to be dealt with and healed.

  I am not telling you to abandon your family, only to not look to them for healing. We need more help for issues of abuse, than one can usually get, from ones family.

  Your posting on this board is somewhat like group therapy. You will get support and most of all, understanding, from many of the people here. Many have lived through what you seem to have.So I think that venting your feelings and grief here are a very good start. I also feel that you would benefit from finding a good counselor and seeking some help.

  Remember always that you are a good person, what happened is not your fault. A good person is loveable and you are loveable. You have the right to be respected, because you are respectable. You have the right to not be blamed in any way for any abuse that happened to you, It was not your fault. You have the right and deserve to have a happy and full live and you can have that.

  You do not have to put up with the nonsense of others. You have the right and the obligation to let others know, that you have limits, to what you will accept in how they treat you. Don't ever look upon yourself as, damaged goods, or some how a lesser person. This is what the abuser wants one to feel and believe.

  Every one here, like me, feels your hurt and confusion. It brings tears to my eyes and I am sure to many more.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  Scully

  needs_lots writes:

  This is a difficult thing, abuse. Its takes years for abuse victums to come to terms with the abuse. What I don't understand is how family members can treat you as if you were the abuser. I have family members who won't talk to me, and I have never done anything to them. I just don't understand. Yet my father gets sympathy from them. "poor dad, he is so scared that his new girlfriend will find out about the abuse, this trial has marked him forever, do you see what you have done, its hard for us as your brothers and sisters to listen to you about the trial and your pain." All things I hear all the time. No matter how much I try, Iam always the bad one. So I try and keep my pain to myself. But it hurts, and they don't seem to understand that. Its like they are saying" we don't care how you feel, its your problem not mine" Why does it have to be this way.

  So your dad doesn't want his new girlfriend to find out about what he did to you?? Why do you think that is?? Does she have children or grandchildren that might be in jeopardy if she doesn't find out about what he did to you?? So what if she and any other woman he has a relationship with dumps him for hiding that part of his past from her. BOO frikkin HOO. There's a little thing in this universe called Karma, and when you destroy someone's life and trust the way your dad did to you, and Karma comes around to bite you in the ass and makes you suffer the consequences for your behaviour, why should anyone be surprised?? or feel sorry for the guy?? So what if he's lonely for the rest of his life and suffers the consequences of being a child molester???... HE SHOULD SUFFER THOSE CONSEQUENCES. Why should you alone suffer the consequences of what he did to you?? You didn't do anything wrong, Vic, and you don't have to take ownership of the guilt other people are trying to put on you. The fact is, anyone who comes in contact with your dad (I don't care how "rehabilitated" he or anyone else thinks he is) is at risk of him re-offending. Period. And they deserve to know that. Just like you would deserve to know if Clifford Olsen or Paul Bernardo moved in to your neighbourhood, for your own safety and the safety of your kids.

  I don't call them everyday or even every month and tell them about the trial. I only talk about it when something new has happened. They are not even jw's anymore either. But then maybe its me. Maybe I have become someone that I don't see. Are they seeing someone they don't know anymore. Am I really a person who has so much anger, that even I don't see it.

  It's not you. Talking about this is cathartic and therapeutic for you. Don't ever feel bad about it. Keeping the anger and hurt inside perpetuates the hurt for YOU, and it whether you realize it or not, it can hurt your kids and your husband too. As for whether they are seeing someone they don't know anymore - you can bet that's right, honey!! When your dad was doing all those things to you, you were probably the nice, sweet little girl that wouldn't say $h!t if her mouth was full of it - you were so scared of your dad, you were scared of what the elders would do, you were scared of what your mom would do. You're all grown up now, Vicki, and you're a strong beautiful woman and there's no need for you feel sorry about giving everyone BLOODY HELL for what happened to you - that they SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU FROM in the first place. Why shouldn't you be angry about that?? Don't ever apologize for your righteous indignation. They did you wrong. Not the other way around. Again..... why should they not have to face the consequences for their action or inaction?? Karma can be a real pain in the butt sometimes, but people have to learn to accept the consequences of what they do.

  Time feels like its taking its toll. SOmetimes I feel like I could just leave all this behind. Run away, and start again. No abuse, no pain, a fresh start. I feel like the barrer of the ring. Like frodo. I don't know how much longer I can bear this burden. I just wish someone else could do it for a while, so I can breath again, and love again, and feel happy when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night.

  It won't be much longer, sweetie. It's been a long (almost) six months since the trial. When it's all over, I hope you treat yourself to a long vacation in a nice warm place, so you can take a much deserved break from everything.

  Is this what I was put on this earth to do. How long must a person carry these things.

  Burdens are much lighter to carry when they are shared. Keep talking about it. Every time you talk about it, it's like dumping a bucket of water on an angry fire - it keeps the fire from growing and spreading - and eventually the flames will go out.

  Hang in there, honey. You're doing great.

  Love, Scully
• 

  needs_lots

  As I sit here and cry, reading all the love I get from you guys, I know deep down that you are right. I know it will be over soon. I hope. Thanks
• 

  neverthere

  I know about abuse, trust me. The pain although it fades changes overtime into a strength you will be able to draw on, and your situation will make it easier for women to come forward.

  Just remember that the strength you draw from friends for support can be a lifeline, remember to use it, draw on it, add to it and always try to love yourself.

  Diana
• 

  cruzanheart

  Hang in there, honey. And vent all you need to on this board and others. We are VERY interested in how you are feeling and know that you are NOT to blame in any of this. You are a brave, strong person to have carried it this far. Take it one day at a time. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. YOU WILL BE FINE.

  Love,

  Nina
• 

  mouthy

  Vickie!!!!(((hug))) Being Granny on board & talking to you at the trail.... I think I remember you saying ( I could be wrong) that your not sure about GOD?Yes you have every right to be angry- You were violated at a very young age.... But my darling the only one that is suffering is Vickie!!!!!!We all hurt with you because we realize you were abused twice really-by your Dad & the Borg. Now for the lecture ( sorry) Please Go to the Father ( Heavenly) & tell him how you feel -tell him you dont believe his there ( if you dont) Ask Jesus the mediator to Guide lead & direct your thoughts ...... I know you dont want to hear this -but I have found out in my old life ( I have had a real lousy one also) that HE- JESUS DOES answer prayers =Not always the way we want- because he sees down the road .....Please Vickie give it a try... I thnik you have a very supportive hubby -you have such beautiful children your a lovely woman( beautiful) You have so much to be thankful for -Just remember my love this is the first day for the rest of your life -Make it the day you get a new REAL FRIEND ----Jesus !!!! Sorry to everyone else ( & you Vickie ) if this offends you... But I honestly believe This is Vickies need ( OUCH STOP THE STONING)
• 

  czarofmischief

  I am Pinhead - punisher of the wicked...

  Vic - it's not your fault. You need to hear that.

  If your father suffers consequences for his actions, that is simply life.

  Now I must go and TEAR HIS SOUL APART!!! ARGGH!

  CZAR - a friend who is "not quite" Jesus

  ps: Mouthy - I'd never stone you for telling people to turn to Jesus, even though I don't quite believe it. Never flinch when you say something like that.
• 

  mouthy

  czaro (((((((((hug)))) I love ya!!