The" Letter" returns

by Yesterdays Child 21 Replies latest jw experiences

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  happyout

  YC,

  I believe that my home is my haven, and my sanctuary from the world. NO ONE is allowed to enter that sanctuary, and ignore me, shun me, or in any other way disrespect me. I don't understand how anyone could suggest you have to allow that. It's great that your wife and her mother are close, and from what I have read, you have not tried to interfere with that, only to establish that you will not be disrespected in your own home. Maybe I missed the part where you tried to destroy your wife and mother in laws relationship, but I am behind you 100% on demanding to be treated well in your own home.

  I certainly hope that common courtesy and plain good manners will prevail in your mother in laws mind, and help her see you can't force your religion down someone else's throat on their territory.

  Yeesh.
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  95stormfront

  Ifind it incredibly arrogant that JW will take the attitude of shunning someone and actually think that the person being shunned actively participate in the act to make their life easier.

  I think you done right by putting that woman out your home. If your wife had any respect for you at all, she wouldn't even allow her mother to treat you that way in your own home.
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  95stormfront

  Ifind it incredibly arrogant that JW will take the attitude of shunning someone and actually think that the person being shunned actively participate in the act to make their life easier.

  I think you done right by putting that woman out your home. If your wife had any respect for you at all, she wouldn't even allow her mother to treat you that way in your own home.
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  sandy

  "If I am in your home to see my grandchildren and daughter I will give you respect:; But I will not be able to socialize with you nor eat with you again. Your co-operation in this will certainly be appreciated. And if you would rather that I not come to your home I will certainly understand that also and will comply accordingly in which they can come see me. "

  Yesterdays Child,

  I posted part of the letter your mother-In-law wrote to you above.

  I was first going to say you should have told her she is not welcome in your home a long time ago, when you first got the letter. After thinking about it and reading how others responded to you I must say you were in your own rights to kick your Mother-In-law out.

  I personally would not have the "balls" (literally) to do it. I am proud of you. Why should you dance around her feelings! She obviously doesn't care about yours. The others are right, how could she think in her right "Christian mind" that it would be ok for her to come into your home like it is no big deal and shun you?

  Yes she gave you the opportunity to tell her she is not welcome and you took it. She didn't say when or even how to respond to her letter. If she or your wife had any common courtesy they would have asked you before she came over to you house just to make sure it would be all right with you.

  All that said, I do feel very bad for you. I hope you work things out with your wife soon. Take care.

  Sandy
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  blondie

  Actually, most JWs I know would not go into the home of a DF'd or DA'd person when they are there even to visit a non-DF'd/non-DA'd JW who lived there. They consider that fellowship. The JW family "in good standing" would only have JWs over if the DF'd person were out of the house. I'm surprised she thought she could come over with you there even with your permission.

  Blondie
• 

  bluesapphire

  I know this is such a tough situation but I agree that when you're in your own territory, your own home, you should expect and demand respect.

  I tried the "killing her with kindness" routine. Two months ago when my sister who has been shunning me for over a year called to come to the hospital to see my newborn son, I allowed it. But on the condition that she has to come upstairs and wheel me down to NICU. Well, she completely ignored that request and tried to get into NICU without me. The nurses had been tipped off and sent her upstairs to get the baby's mother. HELLO!!!! Anyway, long story short, we talked (she had to because I wouldn't cooperate with her shunning while she was wheeling me down). She was polite and civil, although it was forced. So I'm thinking, "Hey we made some headway..."

  NOT! The next time I saw her she shunned me worse than before. She tried to say hello to my husband though. Guess what! He looked her straight in the eye and turned his face and walked away. To me that was such a sign of loyalty and respect on the part of my husband. He said, "If she shuns you, I'll shun her." And guess what! My 13 year old daughter chimed in and said she's going to shun her too. And there's nothing I can do about it. Part of me feels supported and happy that they're backing me up. The other part of me feels sorry for my sister and I want to hug her since I know how much it hurts to be shunned by someone you love. It's a no win situation. If you're nice, you get screwed. If you're mean you get screwed.

  The thing is that you can't "kill them with kindness" because then you're cooperating with the Watchtower rules. You can't ignore the fact that they're disrespecting you. I think that maybe you should have said, "Hi mom. How are you doing?" And then when she proceeded to be rude, "Listen mom, I respect your right to shun me. But when you're in my home, you are going to have to respect me, otherwise you'll have to see your daughter somewhere else. It's YOUR DECISION!" Then let her walk out on her own. Let them be the bad guys. Besides, isn't that what the Watchtower says, "It's the individual's personal decision to shun family members .... it's the individual's personal decision to refuse blood and die .... it's the individual's decision not to go to college ...." Well hey, IT'S THE INDIVIDUAL'S DECISION TO BE KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE!
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  95stormfront

  I personally would not have the "balls" (literally) to do it.

  Actually, Sandy, it's easier than you think once you've made your point clear.

  Whenever my in-laws or blood relatives run afoul of any of the very few requests we have while visiting my home, I, and my wife, have no problem with showing them the door. She's put a couple of my relatives out for insisting that they be able to smoke inside, and I, even though she still believes the WT to be the truth, have put a couple of her relatives out when they get derogatory towards me as a non-believer. In both cases, the relatives will stay away for awhile, stew in their juices, and not speak to us, but, in the end they realize that OUR home is OUR refuge from everything and we'll do what we both damn well please to ensure each others comfort while we're there.

  I offer no suggestions to them on how they choose to run their homes and lives and that's a courtesy I INSIST on being reciprocated.
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  Sentinel

  I just got on here and saw your reply. I will certainly go back and check out the reference you told me about.
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  Sentinel

  I just finished re-reading your original post under "Got This Letter", and I don't understand why you referred me back to it. I understood the first post remarks and I understand this thread.

  I understand why you are hurt and I also believe I understand what is fueling her (MIL) actions. However, you do share a home with your wife, and she is your equal partner in all things in the marriage. If she is still in the borg, even hanging on by a toenail, she would still want to associate with her mother, even in "your" home, which is her right. Your MIL wasn't visiting "you" or "eating with you", she was visiting and sharing food with her daughter, your wife (even if you are the only breadwinner) That's a very normal thing. My post reinforced certain loving aspects of being married, no matter what else is going on. Obviously, you wish your marriage to succeed.

  I am reviewing the part where she indicated to you that "if you would rather that I not come to your home I will certainly understand that also and will comply accordingly in which they can come see me". Am I to understand that you did speak directly with your MIL or communicate in some way on paper, that you absolutely did not wish her to come into your home? If you didn't, then she no doubt believed that she was free to come to see her daughter and granddaughter. Perhaps your own wife invited her. These issues of rejection and shunning are very close to my own heart, so please email me if I have misunderstood in some way. Otherwise, I see nothing wrong in the post I made.
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  LoverOfTruth

  Bravo! You did the right thing; it's your home.

  It's really sad your wife doesn't stick by you, not just because of the jw headship rule but because she supports you.