I am experiencing a period of severe anxiety and possible a midlife crisis.
I'm sorry to hear you are suffering this way. I know how awful it is to deal with debilitating waves of anxiety and feelings of panic that seem to be free floating and have a life of their own. I know people say this but I mean it when I tell you, if I can overcome this terrible affliction and go on to lead an even better life than before, than anyone can. There was a time, I never thought this could be possible, but it is.
My
wife who is still a witness has asked two elders to come round and see
us both. I am so grateful to her for all the love and support she gives
me.
If you are like I was, you are feeling very frightened and vulnerable and are probably overly grateful and more needy than you'd normally be if you were feeling more confident. Although your wife thinks highly of the Elders and believes they have some special "pull" with God, talking to them might not be the best thing for you if you're not in the right frame of mind. They are unlettered and ordinary men who may mean well but it is likely that they are clueless to the degree of your suffering. I remember the advice my Elders gave me was to read the book of Job and to be encouraged by how much endurance he showed when being tested by Satan. This was the worst thing for me an already anxious person, to read. At the time, the only hope I had was that somehow Jehovah would help me. Seeing how he allowed Job to suffer and how he allowed Satan to kill his family, was not a helpful thing to read when in the frantic frame of mind I was in.
The elders coming round is something I am not looking forward to;
how do you speak your truth at a moment of frightening anxiety?
I'm guessing you won't really be speaking your truth, it likely will be an anxiety driven version of it. Part of being anxious is having diffused thoughts and drawing irrational conclusions that although based in fact, are skewed and amplified out of proportion.
I don't
want to add another problem in my life but this scenario of me leaving
the jw's for 13 years while my wife continues is at the core of so much
of my inner pain.
I'm not sure what your circumstances are but for me, a decade long problem with terrible anxiety, where I tried every therapy imaginable, disappeared in about a week once I stopped going to those @%$# meetings. Looking back, I realize that my subconscious was telling me that something needed to be changed. I stubbornly refused to listen so it eventually shut me down and demanded that I listen. I was like a man with a parachute strapped to my back waiting to jump out of a burning airplane. Rather than doing what I needed to do, I stubbornly refused to leap and in doing so, caused myself more suffering that if I'd have jumped immediately.
I don't want to crush another persons faith as to wake
up is itself very painful. I am so stuck and really don't know how to live anymore.
I know you believe this to be so but that's the anxiety talking. You aren't responsible for someone else's faith nor do you have that kind of power over them. The world and life in general hasn't changed nor have you suddenly forgotten how to live. You are every bit as capable and as brave as you've ever been. It has taken courage and strength to live with the terrible feelings you've been living with but this anxiety has temporarily robbed you of your confidence for the moment but it will return and you will be stronger than ever before, when it does.
For now, you are responsible for living one day at a time and figuring out what this anxiety is all about. It's my guess that on some level you know what's at the root of it but you are resisting taking the necessary steps it will take to put your subconscious at ease. Taking care of this problem will be the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your wife. Taking the necessary steps you need to take, will be much easier to deal with than this ongoing anxiety. Once you take action (even the smallest step) relief isn't far behind.
