Whatever, Realizing that everything you were taught the first 18years of your life was bogus, can be pretty traumatic. It can leave a big hole. "Melancholia and pessimism", are probably healthy reactions to such a situation as is questioning the idea of god that you were raised with. For now be gentle, kind and patient with yourself. You have been emotionally an psychologically abused, and have had the rug pulled out from under you. Coming here was probably a wise choice. You will see your story told here by others, and receive compassion and understanding. Glad you are here.
jamesT