What do you call a person employed to look down rabbit holes?
A borough surveyor. (might not translate into US)
Heard about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic who lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog?
Time for a 'bad joke' thread (groan)
by Simon 101 Replies latest social humour
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truthseeker1
Ok,
So there is a group of vacationers on a boat trip in Brazil traveling down the Amazon. They are on a bird watching expedition and want to see all the wonderful birds of paradise. But they all are going for the chance of a life time, to see the legendary Foo Bird, the most beautiful bird of them all. Its got a wingspan of 6 feet. Its every color of the rainbow, and then some. It is one of the rarest birds in the world, thought to be extinct centuries ago. The only problem with it is the fabled Curse of the Foo Bird. The excrement of the bird is the most foul smelling of any animal known to man (or woman for that matter, they can lay some real stinkers). This wouldn't be too bad except for 2 reasons. First the bird is notorious for crapping on peoples heads and second reason is the curse tied to the bird. If anyone washes the poo off, they die. But the second is just a rumored curse......
So the group is traveling down the river and the boat man said over the intercom: "We are traveling past a known nesting ground of the Foo Bird. Everyone look to the left and if we are lucky, we might be able to see the bird take off as it hunts for its morning meal." Just as he finished his sentense, a glorious bird takes flight from the canopy of trees to the left and swoops down above the boat. Much to on onlookers dismay, it poos on the head of a vacationer. Instantly the foul (pun intended) odor gags his neighbors. Forgetting about the curse, the man dips his hand in the amazon and washes the poo off his head. Just as he dips his hand in the last time, a snake wraps around the man and dunks him under water. After several hours of looking, the man was never recovered. They turn back to go home, but the bird swoops down 2 more times, crapping on 2 different men. Both have a terrified look on their face, and smell quite pungent. After an hour back, the two men are isolated on the boat and the first exclaims "I don't believe in stupid curses, so I'm washing this crap off!" He dives into the amazon, into a school of pirana! The fish instanly swarm on the poor man and eat him up pretty quickly.
The boat gasps loudly as they speed to base camp. The man vows to never wash the crap off. He makes it back home, but after a long ordeal. He wasn't allowed on the plane due to his smell, so he had to take a fishing boat back. Once he got home, he was greeted by his wife. She urged him to wash, but he refused because of the curse. She didn't believe him and after several weeks, had to leave him. When he went back to work, his boss said he had to wash it off or be fire, but cherishing his life more than his job, he kept the crap and lost the job. So years later, the man was living on the streets as a bum. He had no family, friends, job, or anything. He lost everything because of the damn bird. he became utterly depressed and thought "I have nothing else to lose, so why not wash the crap off. He walked over to a water fountain and washed it off. Nothing happend!! He happily strolled over to his old job to beg for it back, but got hit by a bus while crossing the road, dying instantly!
Moral of the story is.....
(almost there)
If the Foo Shits, wear it!
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shamus
This one is REAL BAD, so no whining, ok?
Just keep on going if you can't handle it.
How do you catch an Unique rabbit? You-neek-up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The Tame way.
(barf)
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Scully
Why does the Black Widow spider kill the male immediately after mating?
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To stop the snoring before it starts.
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Surreptitious
Guy was sitting in a bar one evening when he notices the guy next to him has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.
He says, "Hey, how'd you get that wooden leg?"
With a thick pirate or Irish accent (I have a hard time telling the difference to tell you the truth) the other guy says, "Well, one fine afternoon we was fightin' the Royal Navy when in comes a 20 pounder and clips the yardarm clean. Down she comes and lands on me leg and that's why I've got this wooden leg."
"Wow, so what about your hand?"
"Oh 'twas a day when me and the lads were takin' our annual bath in the lagoon, when along came a shark and nipped me hand clean off. That's why I've got this hook."
"Goodness. Well why the eyepatch?"
"One gorgeous morning I was takin' a stroll out on deck. I was lookin' up at God's blue sky when a seagull shat straight in my eye."
"Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you lost an eye because a seagull pooped in it??"
"Well, it was the first day I had me hook."
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bebu
The legless dog was called "Cigarette", as he was only taken for a drag.
What does a Korean call his dog? Dinner.
What do you call a Korean who has several dogs? A rancher.
Very sorry.
bebu
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RAYZORBLADE
At a surprise birthday bash, if you're lucky: A beautiful girl comes out of the cake, right?
At a Bulemic's birthday party....what happens?
The Cake Comes Out Of The Girl.
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Dansk
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use the face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (You must make sure that it has all come off)
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get in waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.How to Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your todger at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no)
Admire the size of your todger in the mirror and scratch your arse.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a wash cloth (you don't use one)
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower
Majority of time is spent washing your private parts and surrounding area
Wash your arse, leaving those coarse hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner)
Make a shampoo mowhawk
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself again in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower)
Rinse off, and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire todger size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor
Leave bathroom fan and light on
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife pull off the towel, shake your todger at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes
Fart. -
jst2laws
Did you hear about the woman who backed into a spinning airplane propeller?
Disaster
"Well, it was the first day I had me hook."
That one got me. Thanks
Jst2laws
For those still wondering (Dis as ter)
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Dansk
Hey Jst2,
Don't give up your day job!
Dansk