by Simon 101 Replies latest social humour
A Pirate Captain is standing on Deck with the steering wheel of his ship poking out the front of his pants. His first mate comes up to him and says "Cap'n! Dija no ye gotz a steering wheel in yur pants!!!!" The captain replies...
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"Aaarrrgh, I know! Its Drivin Me Nuts!!!!"
Hey Uzzah! You n me finally crawled out of Newbie status. On the same thread, to boot. (At last!)
Thanks for noticing Bebu!! I am a little upset tho. being a newbie has its advantages ...no one has any expectations of you.
Oh well
Uzzah
Don't worry Uzzah, nobody thinks anything of me and i have 600 posts [;)]
Well, truthseeker, I have always enjoyed your little picture-thing by your name, though coming here more recently I've not seen it the full 600+ times.
[I'm surrounded by masters, emperors, jedis and other assorted rulers. (sigh)]
Now a joke:
What is gray and powdery?
Instant elephant.
I've only read the first page -- love the Doug/Douglas pun, it's pretty damn subtle -- um, so I can only hope no one has posted my personal favorite:
Q: Who sleeps with cats?
A: Mrs. Katz.
Whats the difference between a kingdom hall and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside
I apologise in advance, and I'll probably kill the thread off for good but it made me laugh
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, Ms. Whack, "I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK - he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
"Sure, I have this," replies the frog and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. The Archangel asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
The Archangel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
The Archangel tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
Two pieces of string wanted to get into a nightclub. They saunter up to the door, and this big burly bouncer takes one look ate them and says "Hey we don't allow your type in here...no strings allowed." With a snarl, he tosses them back out onto the sidewalk.
The two pieces of string get up brushing themselves off. They are both disappointed because tehy heard this was the best club in town.
One string says to the other, "I have an idea. Let's tie ourselves together. Now let's mess our ends up a little."
So they walk up to the club door again, tied together at one end, their hair all mussed up...
The bouncer eyes them suspiciously, "Hey are yous guys string?"
The strings answer in unison, "Nope a fraid knot"
