Some fantastic advice here. Thanks again. Just so you know I've just purchased a combination lock (so I can see if she plays around with the numbers) not going to say anything just put it on before I leave for work
JW Wife not listening
by rathernotsay 49 Replies latest jw friends
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iwasblind
Don't get the elders involved, they have no authority.
I would talk openly about your feelings, stay on neutral ground and make it
about you and her keep the WT corporation out of it.
Get her trust, when under attack JW's will retreat under their persecution
syndrome and you become the enemy.Do it with love.
I know it is easier said than done but just my thoughts on that.
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jambon1
A wee wake up call for you from someone who's been through it - your opinion don't mean shit as your not part of the religion. You are now the enemy and anything you say will simply be ignored or your character will be assassinated so as to devalue any legitimate points you make.
Itll be this way until your wife wakes up from her indoctrination. Your marriage will be under pressure due to her unswerving loudly to the organisation. I don't envy you.
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jambon1
Also, don't underestimate how thiscrrligion eill grnuinely fuck up your three kids. Especially as you are not a believer.
I wrote a theee part thread about this exact subject years ago - how one of my kids was taught to view her unbelieving father.
Thid is part three. The other two are linked at the top of the thread.
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dubstepped
rathernotsay : Some fantastic advice here. Thanks again. Just so you know I've just purchased a combination lock (so I can see if she plays around with the numbers) not going to say anything just put it on before I leave for work
Sounds healthy (rolls eyes). Passive aggressive activity isn't going to fix this. If you're going to lock it up, at least discuss it first and let her know that you don't want to, but if she can't leave your stuff alone she leaves you no choice. Use it as a metaphor for your marriage and where it's headed. Just locking it is a dick move, in my view, and only escalates things. It's a race to the bottom. There is no meeting of the minds here, just bad behavior.
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SDGUY
This is my first post and wanted to contribute to the conservation.
rathernotsay: I get where you're coming from, in a way I'm in the same boat. My wife and I have been together for four years and recently had a child. She's been disfellowshipped our entire relationship and now is now using our child as a crutch to get reinstated. Through our entire relationship she never hinted at going back to the JWs and is now wanting our child to be part of her religion. I voice my opinion against it and all it leads to is a fight and breaks our family further apart.
Sorry if I'm hijacking the thread. My wife's sister (who is now all of a sudden back in her life after we have a child) wanted to take our child to go volunteer. I said absolutely not, for two reason. First, it's not safe and nobody knows what could happen or who is behind the door. Second, I don't want my child going door to door preaching gibberish. I just told her about the first and not the second and she understood. Take it for what it's worth, but my advice is to try and convince her that what she is doing isn't in the best interest of your children.
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steve2
SDGUY, welcome! No need to apologize: You are so not hijacking the thread. Your views are highly pertinent to the discussion!
I also acknowledge the bind rathernotsay is in:
Even though his wife has "strayed" (to put it delicately) she is reacting the way so many "sinners" do in high-control groups: She has to "prove" herself truly repentant and committed to her beliefs. That's why people prone to FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) are so very easy for religious leaders/elders/ministers to manipulate.
I doubt JW elders would sympathize or support rathernotsay. At best, they'd be out of their depth, at worst, side with her because she is being so good from their point of view.
What a shame your wife cannot look deeper into what is going on in her life. But ultimately, that's her concern.
I hope one day she awakens from the FOG and takes a good hard look at not just herself but her beliefs.
But that's a whole different story. If she is trying her best to cope by proving she's "good enough" to pioneer, now is certainly not the time she would willingly scrutinize her beliefs. She's fully into 'proving-herself-worthy' mode.
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TD
Passive aggressive activity isn't going to fix this. If you're going to lock it up, at least discuss it first and let her know that you don't want to, but if she can't leave your stuff alone she leaves you no choice.
Yes. I would have disagreed earlier on this thread, but maybe Glover would be a beneficial read.
rathernotsay: Are you able to say, "No" without being angry or nasty and still mean it?
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rathernotsay
I do agree that maybe my locking my room may be a little passive aggressive, however consider the circumstances, it's taken me 6 years of this kind of behavior from her to get to this point. I've tried talking to her, she will say yes yes yes but that wears off after a week or two and she's back to her old tricks. Also I haven't (and still havent) had the chance to talk to her properly about it. I start work before her and the kids are out of bed and I don't get back till they're back in bed that night. Have 4 days off after today so will have that opportunity to talk to her then -
EyesOpenHeartBroken
TALK to your wife BEFORE you do anything else. Do not bring the elders into your marriage. You may get what you want in the short term, by invoking JW headship rules on your wife, but I guarantee you undermine productive communication and trust with her.
You need re-affirm your love and care for her. Ask her what she needs. Ask her what she wants. Then tell her what you need. Tell her what you want. (And I'm not talking about "don't touch my man cave stuff" or I bought you a new mattress in exchange for keeping kids out of bed") Dig deep and lay out your heart for her...Examples: "I want to spend more time as a family with you and the kids", "I need us to spend more time with my friends and relatives", "I miss you when you are away", "I want and need to spend more intimate time with you", "I want to see a marriage counselor to help us get closer and communicate better." If she loves you, hearing that you love her and want to be with her with let her know you have forgiven her cheating and would like to move forward. It's all about time ...you have to make time for each other and for those kids. Make sure you see her as a woman and a valuable partner, not a nanny and housekeeper. I would not approach the pioneer thing, just build your marriage and she will crave time with you, which will exclude time spent in other activities.
P.S. About the man cave...if you are spending your free time in there playing video games and what not, instead of time with wife and kiddos, then of course she'll choose JW activities over home.