New Here ... Just woke up

by Sevan 60 Replies latest jw friends

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  Sevan

  Thanks corruptgirl. I appreciate the advice. I will work on slowly and subtlety getting my husband to see TTATT.

  My husband has doubts, but isn't ready to give up "the truth" yet.

  I think it is a lot harder for him because he was raised a Witness and all his immediate family and quite a bit of his extended family are also Witnesses. The JW religion is all he has ever known.

  I was not raised a Witness and I have a lot less to lose than him.

  In my opinion, all the JW friends and family that I've gained over the last 20 years are not real friends or family. If they were, their love would not be contingent on me believing, thinking and doing the same things as them. Their love is without foundation and sincerity.

  My non-JW family has always been there for me all these years and have always respected my right to believe as I saw fit. I have kept up my relationship with them all these years. Over the years, I was often advised by JWs to drop my non-JW family, but I never listened. I was taken from my family as a teenager when I was put in foster care, which was honestly incredibly traumatic, and I was not about to let anyone or any religion take me from them again. I would be having a much harder time right now without them and I'm very grateful that I have non-JW family to lean on right now.

  I am still trying to process everything, all the lies, the disillusionment, the suffering, the wasted time and financial sacrifices I've made for this religion, the lost friendships and opportunities, just everything. It is a whirlwind of emotion, but I know I'll get to a peaceful place eventually.

  I know that it is important not to hang on to anger and resentment and to move on with my life as best as I can.

  I'm looking forward to really contributing to society without being given a guilt trip. Every time I've given money or time to charities in the past (mainly the SPCA and the local women's shelter), I've been given either a guilt trip or warning by the elders for wasting time and money that could be going to the preaching work. The elders told me I could get a JC if I volunteered at the women's shelter again since it is run by a church of "Christendom."

  Now I can simply follow my conscience! I can embrace people in love for who they are and not simply what "club" they belong to! My son and hopefully someday my step-kids can have a normal life! I am blessed in many ways. I know that it is important not to dwell too much on the ways that I've been victimized.
  
  
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  Saename

  Sevan,

  Thanks for your follow-up. When it comes to the Australian Royal Commission you said you are planning to read the transcripts of, you can also watch the recordings. It's not only important to know what is said but also how it is said. Here you have a YouTube Playlist with all the recordings:

  ARC: Child Sexual Abuse within Jehovah's Witnesses

  You might be surprised at how the elders and Geoffrey Jackson, a member of the Governing Body, strove to dodge the questions asked. For instance, Geoffrey Jackson had to be reminded to answer questions posed to him around seven times. But once you have the bigger picture, you can see why that is.

  Also, you said that you now realize that you are not as much of an independent thinker as you once thought you were. This is not strictly speaking true. It's true that you were convinced that this cult was the truth, but so were many of us, including me. I have always thought of myself as an independent thinker. The fact that you were convinced by this cult doesn't mean you're not an independent thinker. The fact that you got yourself out of this cult means that you are, in fact, an independent thinker.

  Many people cannot defeat cognitive dissonance. Many people are not ready to face the truth about the truth. You are. And it means something. You can watch the following video to see why cults are successful at conversing people, and, surprisingly, rationality has little to do with it:

  Bending Truth
  
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  Sevan

  Thanks Saename, I will check all this out! Very helpful and thank you for your kind words! It is hard not to feel foolish once you wake up, so your reassuring words mean a lot to me.

  Corruptgirl, I just read you and your husband's story while my baby was sleeping on me. You and your husband's story were both very helpful. I'm going to try to use the methods your husband used with my husband and eventually with my step-kids. For now, as far as my step-kids are concerned, I think it is important to reassure them that nothing has changed about who I am or my love for them and to reassure them that I will respect their beliefs and that I will be respectful of their conscience. I am planning on not celebrating birthdays or holidays around them because I know it will bother them. Hopefully once they realize that nothing has changed and that I am still the same person and love them the same, hopefully eventually they will be more open.
• 

  Saename

  Also, if you want to convince your husband of the "TTATT," show him those two clips:

  Stephen Lett Lies about Pedophilia

  And then this one...

  Geoffrey Jackson Admits the Problem of Pedophilia in the Organisation
  

  He'll be shocked. Especially take note at Stephen Lett's straw-man argument. (The straw-man fallacy is when one misrepresents somebody's argument to make it easier to attack.) He says that apostates lie by saying that the organisation is permissive towards pedophilia. However, that is not the case. Those "apostates" say that the organisation has inadequate policies that hurt the victims and, possibly incidentally, protect the perpetrators.

  In the second clip, Geoffrey Jackson admits that the organisation is experiencing problems with child sexual abuse. However, also note how he words his statements. For instance, he says, "There have been changes in policies over the last twenty or thirty years when we've tried to address some of those problem areas, and by the fact that we've changed the policy would indicate that the original policies weren't perfect." He is purposefully claiming that the change itself indicates that the past policies "weren't perfect." He is obviously leaving room for faithful followers of the organisation (in case they watched the Commission) to interpret his words as if they meant, "Look at how the holy spirit guides us. We noticed that the policies weren't good, so we changed them." Also, he says that "the original policies weren't perfect." What about current policies? I mean, the question that he was asked used present perfect tense. And he answered in the past tense? What. About. Current. Policies?
  
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  Saename

  The second link doesn't work for unknown-to-me reasons. Here it is, again:

  Geoffrey Jackson Admits the Problem of Child Sexual Abuse within the Organisation

  My apologies about that.
  
  
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  Worldling9

  Welcome Sevan,

  Overcoming cult indoctrination is no small feat...congratulations! Take your time...there's no hurry.

  wl9
  
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  Giordano

  Welcome Sevan! Your story has touched many hearts.

  The children have over reacted........ sometimes when we try to explain our thinking......... believers just shut down or become enraged.

  You know your family dynamics best, perhaps if he hasn't already done so, your husband can remind them of your years of putting their needs first and foremost. And that you have talked it through with him and he has accepted your choice just as you have accepted his choices.

  If the kids are old enough to throw a mean spirited hissy fit and start lying about you they are probably old enough to get the facts about their bio mother. Once again your husband has a vested interest in smoothing out these new wrinkles in his and your home.

  He should also remind the kids that you have the freedom to believe or not believe. Just as they do. That ultimately your relationship is with God and his son. When they see that nothing has changed in how you parent them and continue to love them hopefully they will come around.
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  Dagney

  Welcome! Glad you found us!

  
  
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  Sevan

  Giordano,

  Thank you for your advice.

  My husband has helped to smooth things over as best he can. I think the kids are just in shock. Hopefully they will come around eventually.

  They are preteen and going on preteen, so not little kids, but still fairly young.

  Believe me, there are so many times that I have wanted to tell them the truth about their horrible mother and all the misery she has caused. To tell them what a fake and duplicitous person she is. Lord knows she is working overtime in undermining my husband and I and constantly lying through her teeth about us. She is an expert at manipulation and parental alienation. This is a game my husband and I, both very honest and legit people, cannot win because we are not willing to sink to her lows. Because we are not willing to put our interests ahead of the kids. And because they are still too young to handle the cold hard truth.

  I know that eventually they will start to see things for themselves. They will start to notice how dishonest, prideful and controlling their mother is and it will be a stark contrast to their life at our house.

  And when they are closer to adulthood I look forward to showing them the giant court file of all the insanity she put my husband through in court. All the numerous lies she told in court and throughout our community. How she did everything in her power and told every lie in the book to try to take the kids from their dad and all their dad went through just to get joint custody of them. I think the court case in its full glory will show the kids just what kind of person their mother really is. I am looking forward to the day I can show it to them.
  
• 

  flipper

  SEVAN- Welcome to the board and welcome to freedom of mind and expression ! Now your life is just really getting started- it's a new beginning - not an end. I was born-in and raised a JW like your husband but finally exited at age 44 back in 2003. Some of my nieces and nephews and my son are out- but my older siblings and older parents are still very much JW's. Except my older mom- she accepts my decisions to leave and we are close.

  You certainly have a challenge ahead of you. You have the right plan and idea in just showing your stepchildren that you love them in spite of exiting the Witnesses and doing the same in your relationship with your husband. If I may make a suggestion to you : The books " Crisis of conscience " & " In Search for Christian Freedom "are great books by Ray Franz- they really confirmed what I was suspecting in the WT organization. However the books that assisted me the most we're 3 books by Steve Hassan a cult exit counselor and psychologist titled : " Combatting Cult Mind Control " , " Releasing the Bonds - Empowering People to Think for Themselves " & " Freedom of Mind - Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs ".

  These books really helped me to understand the techniques and HOW the WT Society and other high control organizations like Scientology, Mormon's, JW's and other religions are able to control our minds through needless guilt and needless fear. Once a person understands that it's the leaders of these organizations that are manipulative , controlling, and coercive - we stop blaming ourselves for having been duped by them. It's NOT our fault. It's the fault of dishonest WT leaders who are using people's lives up trying to intentionally divide families in order to control them to keep attending and contributing to the WT illusions. And they do this through guilt and fear tactics. Steve Hassan's website is : www.freedomofmind.com. I really encourage you to read these books if you get a chance. It truly helped me personally to see HOW I was deceived like thousands of others through dishonest tactics. And these books have plenty of advice on how to talk to our still in JW relatives and friends also . Very good ideas in there.

  So welcome my friend. We are here as a support to you and offer our deepest unconditional friendship. Many of us have been and are where you are at in exiting and some of us are being shunned for our decisions. But we are happier. remember you are not alone, we are here for you. Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper