No Wednesday,,,,,,, this suicide was different , there was no pill overdoes , which to me would have been alot easier than the way she did it.
She jumped off the Jimmy Davis Bridge,,,,,,, pretty high,,,,,,,,into the Red River. She did not die because of the fall, although there were injuries with that fall, she drowned.
She never could swim, and never tried to learn. So I have to think that it was a no turning back action, and the bridge was only a mile from her new apartment,,,,,,, she didnt even have pictures on the wall , yet or all of her things in it. I still to this day think it was a spur of the moment reaction, of built up grief for years, years of being ignored, years of guilt, including jw guilt. The night she took her life, my dad and his new live in girlfriend, ( a sister from our congregation only 8 years older than me) went to pick up my sister who was giving my mom some hell as most 14 yr old girls do let on the loose. I dont know what was said that night to her, but I talked to her about six hours before she must have done it, and her frame of mind was not in anyway indicitive of being in that kind of state.
My aunt, my mothers sister is sure that my father , and that other woman, said some things to my mom while she was in a vulnerable state, she had been drinking and did have some thorazine in her blood but not much, but enough to cause a depressive state worse.
My mother still love my father, why only she knew ......... and I am sure it hurt her to have them come to her home and take my sister away, and probably tell her what a piece of crap she was and how she was hopeless, and forever a drug addict and would never get better. My dad was a master at telling you how to feel and you usually did , I did.
My mother thought Jehovah could never forgive her again, she was ate up with guilt at the neglect the cruel things she did to my sister and me, espcially me, since i was the oldest and I tried to help her, while she was on prescription drugs.
I just think that many suicides are not always thought out to carry thru exactly at a certain time. I think in my mothers case it was on her mind, she had no one to tell her she was gonna make it, it would be hard being sober, she was for 6 months with out one pill.
So when the things transpired that night ,,,,,,, with my dad, in the state she was in at that moment,,,,, it was just too much.
I can understand that . There was no note, nothing in her apartment or journal to imply she had a serious plan. The cirsumstances all came together against her in those wee hours of the morning, only she, my dad, the other woman, maybe ( she may have been in the car some) and God knows what really happened that night.
That has been the hardest to deal with , the not knowing for sure,,,,,,,but I just hope that she is in a better place and is smiling at me now , and I feel a sense of peace since I left the borg about her, I am not sure how to define the feelings I have now, but it is different. It is almost like she wanted me to be happy and to understand things , but she couldnt tell me. Now I feel she is at peace too.
