Self confidence

by joelbear 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  joelbear

  Anyone who has read my history of posts knows that one of my struggles is trying to find and build self confidence.

  What is it about being a JW that can tear down someone's self confidence?

  I'm a smart guy. I have a 4.0 GPA. Yet, I feel stuck, lost, afraid.

  I believe one has to have self confidence in order to be happy. I really think it is the key to personal and international peace and security.

  Is it the constant pushing of being confident in god rather than in oneself that tears self confidence away?

  Joel
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  Introspection

  Is it the constant pushing of being confident in god rather than in oneself that tears self confidence away?

  No, it is because belief is confused with confidence, a thought is confused with your self. The object of belief is really secondary.
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  shera

  I think putting our trust in a mind controlling cult,is what strips a person's Self confidence right out of them.

  We have to rely on ourselves to be happy,life is what we make it.
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  SpiceItUp

  Wow, what a subject.

  First off hugs to you ((((((joelbear)))))

  Happiness indeed is directly derived by how self confident you are. the more it varies the more your happiness will as well.

  Unfortunately it is also something you can only do for yourself. Noone, no idea, no place and no things can give you self confidence which ultimately leads to happiness. Only you can give yourself that confidence that you deserve. Its almost a catch 22.

  Its hard work but in the end very much worth it. I don't know you too well (sorry I wish I knew more about your situation but I havent followed many of your posts) so I won't pretend to know all your circumstances but I can maybe give you some tips as I have felt hopeless and ugly and depressed before. I have no degree but I can give you my information as someone who has been there and built up.

  If you want things to change you have to change them. Sometimes it may seem like you have no energy or motivation but at first you will have to force yourself to take those first steps. It will be frightening and nerveracking but I believe anyone can do it. Get yourself a buddy..one who will not let you just stay home and do nothing about it (If you have someone like that then perfect..if you don't then make that your first goal). Making and keeping friends can help build confidence as long as you are true to yourself. You will realize that people like you for who you are and that you aren't such a "horrible" person.

  Discover what you like to do. Not what your friends/family etc like but what you truly enjoy. Even if you only get to do it a short time each week make sure you make time to at least do it. I sometimes have done what I call a "me day". If I am able I take a day and only do things that I want to do. If I want to go out to eat, watch a movie, read a book etc I go do it and yes I go by myself and think of what great company I am. If you are a writer/Artist/musician then I recommend embracing your talents. Art can be some of the greatest therapy. If you have ever wanted to try something but always thought that you weren't good enough to ever do it...go and try, you may suprise yourself. In the end you will be able to say that you gave it your best shot and thats what counts in the end.

  You have a long road ahead of you. That is the only thing I do know for certain. But you are worth it.

  Anyway...I hope some of this helps you. Sorry for the ramblings but I do hope that if you haven't tried some of my suggestions please do. And have a great day! (because that is within your power)
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  pandora

  What is the belief in god? In the end, it is a way of putting the responsibility for your own life onto someone else. ie. God.

  Once you realise that you control your happiness, your self confidence blossoms because you realise YOU have the power.

  YOU!

  My opinion.

  -P(J)
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  SheilaM

  JoelBear:

  The term self-esteem was coined early in the field of psychotherapy. As for me I have always struggled with self-esteem for me I fake it really well. I have still been happy sometimes wonderfully sometimes metza metza. So for me I don't think happiness is always a product of just loving yourself. But I do think you have to accept yourself as you are. One thing EVERYONE has always said about me is that I am me. I don't try to be anything I'm not (except confident) I speak the same to rich people/poor people/etc. I am what I am and I make no excuses for it. Some people find it very weird that I don't put on aires but that is not me.

  So try to just be comfortable in your own skin. Appreciate your skills and focus on the beauty in the world
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  freedom96

  I see no reason that you cannot have faith and confidence in God, and have self confidence and self worth as well.

  True, the WTS tore down the witnesses, and did nothing to promote a healthy self worth. I remember a song coming out on the radio that talked about the greatest love of all being the love of oneself, and witnesses thought that was the worst thing.

  That doesn't agree with my understanding of God. He wants us to be built up, strong, courageous, caring,etc. That definately includes self worth and self confidence.

  I encourage you to read positive mental attitude books, and if you are a believer of God, go with writers that have the same love for God.

  One of the best is Robert Schueller. He has several awesome books, and is a minister himself, non- denominational.

  The two go hand in hand, without question.
• 

  proplog2

  I was just thinking about you the other day Joel. Along with Amazing, Cygnus, Morloc, even YouKnow.

  "Self-Confidence" is another semantic screen on which you project all sorts of meaning.

  I think "self-acceptance" is a more adequate goal.

  I like the scripture that says don't put your trust in earthling man. I would say that includes yourself. I would probably say the same would apply to some imagined "spirit" person. Don't put your confidence in God either.

  Nothing is so predictable that you can have absolute confidence in it.

  People who appear "self-confident" are experiencing an unsual streak of Good Luck. They mistake good-luck for their own abilities. Granted, a lucky streak may give a person that extra oooomph to make certain things happen but Old age, disease, accidents, etc. can turn mighty "self-confidence" into "self-pity".

  It would have been interesting to read Alexander the Greats memoirs if he lived to the ripe old age of 90.
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  GentlyFeral

  You're getting good counsel here, joelbear. I'm going to share an exercise a spiritual teacher gave me:

  Relax and meditate. Take a mental/imaginary voyage to -- oh, "the underworld" or wherever your demons live. Go find the one that destroys your self-esteem. Let it personify itself. Let it tell you its name, show you its face, and then let it talk. Let it list EVERYTHING, all its fears, complaints, angers or whatever.

  Do this for as long as you can comfortably stand it. Go back and do it several times if necessary.

  Then MAKE FRIENDS with it. Don't cave. Cut deals. Tell it where it's wrong, not pep talks, but where you KNOW it's bull****ing you. Sympathize without enabling.

  Then give it an assignment.

  The first time I did this exercise, my demon was hysterical helplessness. I ended up offering her a "job" as my "research assistant," and now I find myself FINDING OUT how to solve my own problems whenever I don't know what to do about unemployment, medical care, money, or the Big Bad IRS (my biggest trigger issues).

  Sometimes she comes back and has hysterics at me. Instead of caving in, I go "there, there" -- and compliment her on all the times she DOESN'T go crazy. Like: "Say, it took you until NOON to start despairing about starvation! You gave me wonderful ideas about job interviews all morning!"

  Of course, you're talking to yourself, but it's more convincing and less silly-sounding if you pretend it's someone else. At least I think so; but I had imaginary friends all through childhood and it's even more useful now than it was then.

  Feel free to chop 'n' channel this exercise to suit yourself.

  Best of luck

  GentlyFeral
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  undercover

  I can't give you any better advice than what's already been posted, but I can empathize with you. For years my self-confidence was lacking. Part of it was because I was so naive to how the world really worked having been raised as a JW. Even after marriage and a decent job where I was appreciated, my self confidence was lacking. Personally I think it was from the constant, "you're not doing enough" attitude from elders and COs at the hall. Since I have learned that JWs are not the "one, true religion" I was shaken even more. How could I be duped for so long. I was lost for a while. But in the time I've been out, little by little, my self-confidence has improved. It is now better than it ever has been in my life.

  My self-confidence is strong enough that even on the occasional trip to the hall(I still have family in), I am no longer nervous about being there. I used to really get nervous having to go, knowing that I was being "apostate" in my thinking. Now I know they are all confused and mislead. I can go in and see my family and old friends, have a good time before and after(zone out during the mtg) be flip to the elders if they try to be "sheperding" and actually push a few buttons here and there. I actually enjoy the looks I get(come in once every couple of months, full beard, longer hair, no jacket) and instead of acting embarrassed or afraid, I look for people to talk to, strike up small talk, catch up with friends. Being happy and acting it actually confuses many of the friends. They are conditioned to think that anyone that fades away is miserable. I aim to prove them wrong whenever I show up.