Caring for elderly parent

by Sadie5 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  Sadie5

  Hi folks,

  I haven't had time to post much lately but do check in to see what has been posted.

  My soon to be 85 year old Mom is facing surgery to replace her wore out knees. They are both shot so I don't know if they'll try to do both at once while she's out or do one at a time. We're meeting with the surgeon tomorrow.

  I had a lot of concerns about her having the surgery. She had some abdominal surgery about 8 years ago, and I didn't think she was going to make it through the recovery process. She was in intensive care for over a week.

  She's been on some very heavy narcotic painkillers which really puts her on a trip. They are also giving her stomach problems and they don't seem to take the pain away now at all. He legs just froze up in the shower a few days ago and she couldn't move them. She said she would rather die than go on living like this.

  So after getting her out of the shower, helping her dress and getting her over to the doctor, we talked to him about having the surgery. His office set up an appointment with this orthropedic surgeon and we'll see what he says tomorrow.

  The surgeon's office called and talked with me. She could ask me questions about Mom but I couldn't ask her any. She strongly suggested that I get a power of attorney so that I will be able to be informed about my mother's condition. (New privacy laws) I have to bring a copy to their office and also to the hospital too. So we are getting that take care of today.

  My Mom is going through a review of her life. She feels the need to share with me different things about my father that I hadn't known. My father was not a nice man, died 17 years ago, and I have managed to forgive him for many things he had done and tried to think of just the few good things about him. She brings up all this stuff and I feel like I am seven years old again. It gets me so depressed trying to deal with this stuff.

  She also requests things that I don't think can be made possible. She wants me to find her first boyfriend, she hasn't seen him in 70 years and has no idea if he is alive or where he lives. She told me his parents names and where they lived, (2,000 miles away). I tried to reason with her that his parents would be over 100 years old if still alive. I tried looking up his name online but didn't get any results. I think she'll make requests that I can't fulfill, and I shouldn't feel bad about it.(I keeps chanting this to myself)

  My mom got the truth at an older age, and while she was believing it, it gave her hope of a better life than the one she had lived. Now she looks back with a lot of regrets over decisions that she made. Wish she would look at what she does have, see the love that my children have for her, along with my husband and myself.

  Like I have an aunt that never had any children. (She married my father's brother) She has several nieces and nephews and they all take turns looking in on her and help take care of her. Mom was upset because none of her neices and nephews ever contact her. I tried to reason with her that Auntie had no children, so it was good her sister's children took care of her, whereas Mom has my family to care for her.

  Well if you're the praying kind, say a prayer for her or think positive thoughts, I'd like to keep her around for awhile if it is possible.

  Thanks for listening,

  Sadie
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  cruzanheart

  I'll say a prayer for you too -- this is a tough thing for you to deal with. Make sure you make a little time for yourself, even if it's just a long bath with the bathroom door barricaded and orders not to disturb. Try looking at caretaker.com -- they have encouraging articles for people who are taking care of aged relatives. You've got a lot on your plate right now! By the way, how's the job search going?

  Lots of love and hugs,

  Nina
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  Sadie5

  Hi Nina

  Thanks for responding. Job search hasn't produced anything, but it most likely just as well, I'll have my hands full running to the hospital and caring for Mom when she gets out. We're broke most of the time, but it is ok. Maybe life is giving me what I need even though it seems hard. Will check out the web site you mentioned. Thanks

  Sadie
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  cruzanheart

  My bad -- I should check my facts. It's www.caregiver.com.

  Nina
• 

  DJ

  Sadie,

  Hi. I can relate to your situation. My dad has brain cancer and needs 24 hr. care and my mom is in a denial (I think) and she depends heavily on me for help. She does not see the good things either and she frequently complains. She was in the hospital last week and we all took turns going to visit her while caring for my dad but she complained that her grandchildren didn't visit her. I explained that kids are not allowed to visit but she reasoned that she saw a small child walking down the hall..... The new privacy laws make it very hard. I couldn't get any info from the nurses who told me that I had to speak with the doctors but they didn't return my calls. It was very frustrating because my mom didn't ask the doctors questions when she saw them and without returning my calls, I had no way of knowing if she was improving or not. I don't understand the purpose of the laws. Keep chanting to yourself because I get the same impossible requests and sometimes demands...just do your best and remember to take care of yourself as well. Don't do what I did....I knocked myself out trying to do everything and neglected myself and my kids. Nothing is appreciated by my mom and it is starting to overwhelm me. My jw siblings aren't as helpful as they ought to be but they have the time to pick at me, of course. I am going to try to remember what my parents would expect from me if they were mentally intact and quit trying to make every whim a reality. It's hard, I know. Take care and your mom is fortunate to have you. love, dj
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  Sadie5

  Hi DJ,

  Thanks for the kind words. I don't understand all the new privacy laws either, it's like they went to the extreme with this. I know my mom doesn't understand a lot of things said to her, bad hearing and mentally she's not up to it either. I would hate for her to make the wrong decision on something because she didn't know what she was doing. Looks like this could lead to a lot of problems and heartache if people can't be informed about their loved ones.

  thanks

  Sadie
• 

  acsot

  Sadie5: I can relate to what you're saying - my mother had a stroke about two months ago and then two weeks ago she had a heart attack. She's now waiting for bypass surgery. And she lives with me, fortunately, since last year, because otherwise I think the hospital would send her to a residence for elderly people, which would probably be the death of her. However, it is also very difficult to be the caregiver.

  I don't understand the privacy laws in the U.S., here in Canada the doctor sat me down and explained everything in detail about why she needed the surgery, I saw the angiogram and he explained "stenosis" and "occlusion" and it was very clear that my mother has no choice but to have the surgery, she has too many blockages in her heart.

  A power of attorney will be very important for you and I suggest that you have one prepared as soon as possible. Let your mother's bank have a copy also (they may demand their own form of power of attorney). Maybe in the States it's different, but here my mother's banks have copies of the power of attorney so I can access her funds when she needs something.

  As well, is there some form of home care you can receive, even if it's just a few hours per week? It'll give you a break, and they usually help with bathing and meal preparation at least (once again, that's here in Canada, and I imagine you must have the same or better in the States). The hospital itself may arrange to liaison with the services available - that's what happened here.

  Feel free to leave me a message if you want to vent/ask for information or whatever.
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  Mulan

  She brings up all this stuff and I feel like I am seven years old again. It gets me so depressed trying to deal with this stuff.

  I deal with this everyday with my folks. My Dad has a colorful past, that led to their divorce in 1969, and now they are both living with us. Interesting how life turns out.

  Mom constantly is bringing up things he did, that he has long forgotten and they fight for days about whether or not these things happened, and they bring them to the dinner table where I am supposed to confirm or deny it. They are 90!!!!!!!!!!!! and act like teenagers.

  Usually I tell Mom that it was so long ago, let's just forget it. Dad also has dementia and it seems silly to me, to bring it up, make him admit it, and then tomorrow he has forgotten it again. But she has a thing about being vindicated. Lately she has left things alone because Dad has some heart problems now.

  Thanks for the DPA reminder (Durable Power of Attorney). I have that on both of them, and needed to take Dad's with me to the doctor's office today. The new privacy laws are really good for many things, and this is necessary for the doctor to have on file, so they will tell me test results over the phone and so I can sign his papers (he is also blind).

  I feel for you Sadie. It's a tough time of life to take on elderly parents, but we feel a strong responsibility towards them. I can't even imagine where they would be now if it weren't for Dave and me. Neither of them have any money................Dad because he was so foolish with his considerable money, and Mom because she didn't plan for this time of her life................"the end is coming soon".
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  Mulan

  She also requests things that I don't think can be made possible. She wants me to find her first boyfriend, she hasn't seen him in 70 years and has no idea if he is alive or where he lives. She told me his parents names and where they lived, (2,000 miles away).

  Mom did something similar too...............asked me to go online and find out about her High School class. She saw a thing on TV about Classmates.com. So I did. Amazingly there are about 5 from her high school class that registered there. They are all 90'ish. Amazing................maybe their kids did it for them though................I registered her.

  She also got on the phone and looked up her first husband, who she married at age 18 for about a year. He is dead. She was so sad about that. At least she did that herself.

  About the privacy laws. They protect everyone from lawsuits...........especially doctors. When I had Dad at the doctor's last week, he had to sign a paper, listing all the people they could talk to over the phone about him, and test results, etc (I filled the paper out). When you think about it, it is a good thing, at least I think it is. I wouldn't want just anyone being able to find things out about me. And it involves life or death decisions for the person too................like keeping someone on life support..............without the DPA, they will keep them hooked up as long as the insurance will pay the bill. (you have to have the right form for that one)
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  concerned mama

  Ascot, I just thought I should mention that your Mom must have a reasonable doctor. I am Canadian as well and have had to deal with these privacy issues with my Mom quite a bit. If the doctor is being sticky and unless your parent has said that he may discuss the case with you , sometimes you need a Guardianship Order to get any information or to have an input into treatment.

  My Mom is severely mentally ill and legally blind and I am now her Guardian and have Enduring Power of Attorney and I am able to make sure that her care goes more smoothly and her bills get paid.

  Sadie, hang in there. You are being a loving daughter.