Need advice

hybridous

My 17 year old brother is a model witness for the local congregation. He's been baptized for a couple of years now. My JW mom is quite liberal...she has allowed us kids to play sports, be in school plays...etc. My younger brother is a star athlete, and in the top 10 of his class. He's quite popular in school despite the oddities of being a JW.

This is my dilemma. I know that he's seeing a 'worldly' girl on the sneak. I personally have no problem with this, as I wanted to do the same at his age. But I don't know how to handle this with him, or if I should have anything to do with this at all.

I thought about ratting on him to my mom or JW sister, in the hopes that when the sheet hit the fan, the backlash might inspire him to leave the cult. This, however, would make me the worlds biggest hypocrite. I did the same at his age, but for me, the stakes weren't as high. I wasn't baptised & therefore couldn't be DFd. He can, and I worry about the possible consequences of his actions.

What do you people think? Should I let him know that I know what's going on? He doesen't know I'm on top of things like this, but there's no way it could escape me. He's a great kid and I pay a much attention to him, as i would prefer he avoid the mistakes I've made in life.

This is so tough for me...he sneaks around, even in front of me. I guess he's not comfortable talking to me about it. But I'm not a JW and I don't have any 'responsibility' to the elders of the congregation...and he knows and understands this...I think.

I've pretty much resigned myself to shutting up and watching things unfold. If I ratted on him, besides hating myself for it, he'd probably hate me too, and rightfully so...despite my best intentions.

You don't have to tell me the JW code of actions and consequences...I was raised JW and bailed before baptism...I know the way things work. I was just hoping that you might offer some advice or insight concerning this matter.

Thanks in advance,

HYBRIDOUS

SixofNine

Seems like you have nothing at all to lose by just talking with him about it. There is even the chance that you could say something that will let him see it from another perspective, maybe even give him something to allay the guilt feelings he is no doubt having.

Carmel

Let the hypocracy go! Keep your nose in your own back yard! He'll fare better by facing reality without having to contend with a nosey rat for an older sister. After all what kind of loving relationship do you have that you would even consider ratting on him? time for a self-reality chech my sister!

caveman shoveling the guano out of the entrance

SlayerLayer

Hybrid,
I am 28 years old and have a brother who also is 17. Unfortunately, I lacked the wisdom to "bail" before baptism. I have been d'fd for about 7 years now. I see my little brother occasionaly and he still speaks to me. We have online conversations a lot and play multi games and such. We still maintain a "hushed" bond, even though he was baptized last year. There have been many times when I have learned of things that he has done, that would get him in serious trouble with the congregation. It's easy to think that if I told someone, I might have my little brother back. But what I have to remember is that disfellowshipping causes so much psychological trauma. Even though it would be a good thing in my eyes to see him out of the cult, there is a big possibiltiy that he may resent me forever, and blame me for the trauma that he might endure. At least now he still talks to me behind closed doors. I believe that one day he will wake up on his own and get out. The last thing I want is for him to blame me for anything. It doesn't sound like your brother is doing anything that could get him d'fd. Maybe you could secretly talk to his girlfriend. She would most likely have an influence on him, if I remember anything about being a 17 year old boy. I hope that I have helped in some way.
Chris

Kismet

I am sure your brother would be so relieved to hear you say "I understand I've been there."

Tell him that he and his GF are welcome to come by for dinner or just to hang at your place and a "don't worry this stays between us" comment would be good too.

Give him the opportunity to figure out what he wants to do. if he asks questions help him out. Be a friend, not a nagging tattle tale of a sister.

As a side comment, if he is so afraid to talk to you, it appears to me that he isnt the only one acting in a certain way in front of family members.

Kismet

Thirdson

I agree with Six, there is no harm in talking. You know the inside consequences, have eperienced the same problem and can provide valuable asistance without being a threat. The worst you could do is rat on him and cause JW type trouble. 17 is young age to have to make decisions of conscience, heart and religion. You need to be a friend.

Thirdson

'To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing'

COMF

I've pretty much resigned myself to shutting up and watching things unfold.

Good. Stick with that decision.

If your brother brings up the subject to you, then you could offer your views and suggestions to him. But it's his life, and the decisions are his to make, not yours. Your kindness is best extended to him by allowing him to make his own choices, while you stand by giving your love to him regardless of those choices.

COMF

terraly

I would second most of the advice given to far.

I know you want to get your brother out- but ratting on him is not the best way.

It is very sad that the Org's power extends so far. Think of your brother as being attached to a string. If you give it a sudden jerk, it may snap and your brother will fall in. If you reel it in slowly over time, you have a much better chance of getting him out.

Tina

Greetings,
Comf said it best! Allow him to have the freedom to his own decisions by staying out of it.
Not being a jw yourself,Im kinda surprised that you would think 'ratting' on him is even an option......that's pretty much a JW behavior in these types of situations,,,anyway,just my dos centavos,Tina

Carl Sagan on balancing openness to new ideas with skeptical scrutiny...."if you are open to the point of gullibility and have not an ounce of skeptical sense,you cannot distinguish useful ideas from worthless ones."

thinkers wife

Hybridous,
I totally agree with the rest. Don't rat him out. It would serve no purpose and make him your enemy in the long run.
Do be his friend. I would open up the subject with him. And tell him you have been there done that!!
One of the things I always told the young people in the org. that came to me with there problems was, "I think it is best to wait to get into a sexual relationship, but if you aren't going to wait, use protection". Personally, I think it saved a lot of kids from being parents before they were ready.
The suggestion about making your place a good place to hang out is a good one IMO.
Just be his friend. Keep the lines of communication open. When he is ready, you will be glad you did!!
Good Luck!!!!!!
TW

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