I am truly saddened by your story and so glad there are no children to grow up on this awful situation. This will be killing you quite literally. You have to find a way for it to end, why prolong the inevitable? Are you able to move to a different location?
Separated from a loveless Marriage
by PLAYGROUND 54 Replies latest social relationships
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Crazyguy
If you still believe in the bible then remember Jesus Christ and how he was all about love and forgiveness. Don't forgive your mate because they lied to you but forgive yourself and move on. Your probably young so don't mess up the rest of your life because of your mate and a bunch a elders that care more for the reputation of their congregation then anything else. The god of the old testament forgave people like David for murder and other things so he can forgive anyone and the writers of Jesus said he would.
Your going to live one life and then your going to die and your running out of time so don't let people like your mate destroy your remaining years.
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Splash
Ask your question a different way: How will you manage if you continue in this abusive relationship for another 2, 3, 5, 10+ years? Will things improve? Will you have a breakdown, or worse?
Sometimes the toughest option is better long term.
I'm sorry to hear how you have been treated by the congregation, but to be fair, your elders are not trained to deal with these problems. They are merely told to keep divisions down and encouraqe the flock to pray, go to meetings and go on F.Service.Anything beyond this is beyond them.
Speak with your proper counsellors and listen to their advice. Make your choices not just for today, but for the long term.
Splash.
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KateWild
Dearest Playground,
I deeply feel for you and the situation you're in. You have carefully concealed whether or not you're the husband or the wife in this marriage. However I can tell you that I am the victim of a lying spouse. My spouse lied to the elders and they believed him.
The fact that your spouse make you physically sick is telling. You must stay out of this abusive marriage.
You say you still believe it's the truth, but if it is, why is holy spirit not guiding the elders to help you out of this abusive marriage and disciplining your spouse? Personally in my situation I don't believe the elders were guided by holy spirit. I even got df'd for trying to expose the lies.
Playground, I stayed separated from my spouse and finally got divorced. It has been hard being alone and I have felt isolated at times because all my JW friends have eventually abandoned me. If you want to follow my example and take steps to free yourself I will support you.
I made a youtube video of my experience with Eric at JWStruggle. It's 35 minutes but it might help you through your struggle.
Kate xx
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The Searcher
Do not involve the Elders. If you are a sister, they will more than likely take your husband's side.
Apply this Scriptural counsel to your own situation, and take appropriate steps to protect yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
(1 Corinthians 7:10-11) "To the married people I give instructions, yet not I but the Lord, that a wife should not depart from her husband; but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband; and a husband should not leave his wife."
Your husband is breaking the Law of the Christ - Galatians 6:2 "....Go on carrying the burdens of one another, and thus fulfill the law of the Christ" - and he is deliberately adding to your burdens.
(Ephesians 5:25) "Husbands, continue loving YOUR wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation..."
Your husband is a hypocrite, hiding his perverted behaviour behind the veil of secrecy in the Org. He is the one who is unscriptural - not you!
Save yourself, otherwise you are submitting yourself willingly to evil conduct, and that would be very un-Christian.
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confuzzlediam
I recently left a marriage of 25 years and filed for divorce. My final breaking point was seeing a quote from Albert Einstein that said "The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results". For me this was HUGE as I had been doing the same thing over and over in my marriage to try to resolve a past indiscretion that had happened 22 years prior on my part, with the same results. Something had to change. I had to change.
I asked myself...do I want to live the next 25 years as I have lived the last? The answer was absolutely NOT! I was emotionally and mentally abused by someone who was loving, giving, charismatic, very successful and manipulative. Was there good times? Yes! Which is why I stayed for so long. But the toxicity of the bad, started outweighing any good. I was constantly being threatened to be divorced or left or being told that I was not meeting needs. But on the other hand, I was told that I was an amazing mom, wife and best friend. It was an extremely difficult decision to make when I walked out the door, especially because I knew it would devastate our 2 children who were almost 17 and 20.
I was already disfellowshipped for 4 years, so I did not worry about any consequences with regards to that. I believe that even if I wasn't, it would have been worth being disfellowshipped over. I needed to do what was best for ME.
You need to do what's best for YOU. No one can make that decision for you. If divorce is not an option, then I agree with the above comments to stay separated, maybe even file for a legal separation. Contact an attorney to make sure you have your rights protected. Seek counsel from a certified therapist. I started seeing one about 5-6 months before I left and have seen him once a week since I left 9 months ago. He has helped me work through the emotions of leaving and helps me focus on my future.
As said earlier, look to see how you envision your life. If you are unhappy now, think of how much worse it will get later. It sounds like you already know what needs to be done in your heart, but you are afraid of displeasing Jehovah and possibly having repercussions in the congregation. Do you think that Jehovah wants to see you in an abusive relationship just for the sake of displeasing him? From what I was taught in the 39 years that I was a witness, I believe that Jehovah wants what is best for you and what hurts you, hurts him. Why would such a loving and forgiving God want you to continue to be abused?
As far as those in the congregation and the elders who you have talked to... They are not in your shoes. They are not the ones being abused. They are not living your life. They have no room to judge. Do what is best for YOU and only YOU.
Feel free to PM me, if you would like to talk.
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Scully
Your marriage was based on a lie.
Legally speaking, that is fraud, and you should be able to terminate the marriage on that basis alone. In a business situation, entering into a contract that is based on false information (fraud) is valid grounds to terminate that contract.
That's the long and short of the matter.
IMO, the WTS's insistence on 'purity' prior to marriage sets people up for marital failure. How can you really know the other person, when your interactions have been chaperoned and monitored? How can you know if there are any behaviours that you might consider to be a deal-breaker if you cannot have intimate (as in living in close quarters, not necessarily sexual intimacy - although I disagree with the wedding night virgins scenario now too) interactions with the potential marriage mate?
Do you think that someone who is prone to committing physical/verbal/mental/sexual abuse is going to subject you to this behaviour when a chaperone is in your space? Do you think you're going to see a person 'warts and all' when they're only trying to impress you and attempt to show themselves at their best in front of you and the person who is your chaperone?
Elders™ have no training in real marital counselling. Their Training™ is geared to enforcing the Scriptural™ edicts of male Headship™ and female Submissiveness™. A woman who disagrees with these Principles™ and wants to exercise her basic human rights is a troublemaker in their world.
Do yourself a favour and seek out a bona fide, credentialed counsellor. You need to build yourself up, because when the $h!t hits the fan, your spouse and the Elders™ will try to rip you to shreds. You deserve better than that lot. You deserve to be happy.
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PLAYGROUND
I want to say thank you to everyone who has provided feedback. I have read and listen to what everyone has wrote.
When the physical abuse first started I was not aware of what was really going on. Excuses was always made on their part. However, on one occasion after I was hit, I did hit back, I thought I was actually going to die that day, because the look in their eyes were crazy.
I didn't call the police that time, because I was shame and I didnt want to inform the police we were JW.
When I decided to inform the police,One elder I spoke with told me to do what I have to. Another Elder who formed a bond with my spouse told me that I shouldn't have called the police. In fact he implied that I was going to be in trouble for that.
Within those meetings with the Elders, my spouse always I do mean always tried to act as if they were the victim. And they knew what to say to get me started.
I'm not exemplary therefore I am not allowed to do anything. My spouse however can do whatever they want.
I really hate myself right now, how do you truly move on from everything.
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finally awake
Listen, if there is physical abuse, you need to get out and stay out. Your spouse is showing serious warning signs that he is truly dangerous. I know how badly the elders and other witnesses will treat you if you do anything they disapprove of, but staying and getting yourself killed isn't going to win you a ticket to paradise. Keep on reading and posting here for support, but you really really need to cut that man out of your life. -
Scully
Compare your situation to these two graphics. One shows a relationship where the partners are equals. The other shows a relationship where one spouse has power and control over their partner. (for better view, you can download the graphic here: http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/documents/wheel_both.pdf)
Note, too, that these behaviours can also apply to group dynamics. Groups that tend toward abuse demonstrate similar behaviours as an abusive domestic situation. Why do you suppose the Elders™ side with your spouse, hmmm?
