Misplaced Loyalty

YoursChelbie

Do you know of a person who has been treated really bad in a marriage and yet still remains loyal to that person even after the marrriage has ended? This has puzzled me for some time. Why do some people have an abnormal, misplaced loyalty for another human who has caused them so much harm?

Yet, inspite of all of this, the victim continues to put faith in every word that the spouse/ex-spouse says. The victim might even be willing to put their needs on hold to be "helpful" to the perpetrator who constantly asks for all sorts of favors. How would you explain this? What could help the victim stop being victimized further so that they can get on with their life?

YoursChelbie

unbeliever

There is actually a guy in my family that puts up with abuse from his wife. She has cheated on him him with 2 different guys (that he knows of) multiple times. They have 3 kids and surprise surprise the youngest is not even his. DNA test proved that. She is verbally abusive and to him and calls him worthless because he does not make a lot of money. She takes lousy care of the kids and drinks too damn much. We stopped asking ages ago why he stays. He says I love her and given enough time it can work. HELLO!! You've given it 10 years. We just stay out of it. My dad has made it very clear his wife is not welcome in his house when she is drunk. I feel so sorry for the kids.

I will NEVER understand why he puts up with this!!! He was not raised in that kind of environment.

ColdRedRain

When a person is committed to another person who abuses their position in the relationship, it's becuase usually, the person is lacking something in their personal life that's better and will give them back something in life.

Many JW's are lacking something in their private life. Think about your conditions when you converted (If you weren't born into the deleted cult like I was.)

Most of you felt betrayed by your previous church, pressured by JW family to join because it's convienent for them, jaded towards religion, mesmerized by their charismatic behavior or simply confused about what the religion is about or even what they are about. Most abusive relationships start when a man or woman who's been betrayed by a former love and feels the need for a new parter, feels jaded towards love, but is willing to give it one more chance, pressured by friends or family to get into this relationship because it's conveinent, mesmerized by how a person that's "out of their leauge" can go for a person like them, or confused about about themselves or the other person.

When a relationship is broken, it cannot be fixed, and the best thing to do is to get away, and never get into a situation like that again.

Oh, BTW, congradulations, Chelby!

caligirl

Pity comes to mind, depending on the circumstance. Possibly misplaced compassion, guilt, a sense of responsibility. Are there children involved with the constant favors being asked, in which case emotional manipulation could be a huge factor. Whatever the reason, they may not see it as victimization to be helpful to the abuser to an extent. Therapy might help the victim in the situation to be able to recognize why they allow the abuse to happen and what they can do to recover. But then again, the "victim" in this case also has to recognize or feel that they are a victim in order for anything to change.

starScream

My Mom is amazingly loyal, or as i like to call it, NAIVE.

She should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago but she hung on until 9/2001. She began the divorce proceedings with a restraining order because my father tried to kick her out of the House at gunpoint when he realized she was really going to divorce him and couldn't changer her mind. He violated the order came to the house when no one was home and took the TV, VCR, Computer, our guitars and a few other big ticket items. He brought the stuff back because he realized that it wasn't a good idea. Anyhow he continued to act like a total psycho and she TOOK HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once this happened her restraining order became invalid and once again she was stuck with him in the house. That was a pretty miserable experience. Ultimately she decided she wasn't going to take him back and amazingly divorced him.

What I can't comprehend is how she can be so naive as to believe the WTS is God's organization. I left at about 16. I have shown her from just about every angle that the watchtower is false, their beliefs are completely dogmatic and the bible completely overturns ALL of their doctrines. It is her week will. She has no ability to make tough decisions. She has a major fear of standing on her own. My father controlled her mind somehow. Apparently even though he was a psycho from the time they were first married it took her 28 years to get rid of him.

After 50 years of being a JW and the ridicule she has faced for such, I dont think she will ever leave. No matter what I show her from the bible or the WTS's own literature nothing phases her. she still blindly goes to every meeting and spouses every ludicrous doctrine. Just a few weeks ago she tried tell one of her friends in my presence that JESUS DIDN'T DIE ON A CROSS!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Even when I was a JW I knew that was retarded.

SheilaM

Now this is love it's co-dependency. I had a sister that went through years of this. The one that takes the cake is my Aunt her husband beat her throughout their marriage. He beat their son and GOD knows what else happened. He threw her out of the home in New York in the middle of winter naked. What's so bizarre is she stayed with him and the kids act like he is freakin Father of the year. I just don't get it

Lady Lee

This is "Traumatic Bonding" and is very common in many abusive relationships. Stockholm Syndrome is very similar.

The identifying characteristics are:

a life/death dependancy on the person
the person did not kill them even though they could have
victim feels grateful towards the abuser because they were spared

rocketman

Yes, I guess there are or can be many factors at work in the dynamic of such relationships.

Mecurious?

Unbeliever, thats a crazy story. I've seen men like this too. Sad, sad, sad but there is hope! He really needs to stand up for himself. Did you say the child isn't even his? Say what?.....Gessh! Give me a Break Talk about Emasculation. Like I told a close family member of mine. Women don't like or respect a Weak man period. Refer him to this site: http://www.sosuave.com/ And http://www.sosuave.com/niceguys/default.htm These should help out alot!

Good Luck

Merc'

zeena1998

Hi there!

I'm new here and just had to jump in on this topic...have been reading alot of stuff on this of late. If I were a betting person, I would say that one of his parents (likely his mother) treated his father and the rest of the family this way. The abusive relationship is all he's probably ever known. And she learned her behavior from her family. There's a really good book out there (Getting the Love you Want...Harville Hendrix) that goes into this kind of stuff...why do we allow certain behaviours, etc etc.

Just my 2 cents.

Andie

Misplaced Loyalty

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