I was always a rebel. I was df when I was 19, then reinstated when I was 21. I tried for years to be perfect. But no one would forget my mistakes of the past. I was invisible. People in the congregation where I grew up loved my son, but could not remember my name. When I had my second son at 29 and was not df, some people quit talking to me anyway. so being lonely and unimportant I married the first man that would have me (not jw). I used him as a reason not to go to meetings. I got the internet in 1998. Then my mother started talking all the time about how I was killing her grandchildren. The guilt I felt was horrible. I thought I was such a bad mother, but I could not go back. I did not want to be treated like a non person anymore. So after having the internet for a year I decided to look up ex-jehovah's witness. And then I saw that the generation thing has been changed. I was so angry, but I also felt the guilt leave me. I was so overjoyed that I was not a bad parent, and I was not killing my children. I knew then I would never go back. Now I can hardly speak to my mom about religion. We tend to avoid the subject because I will not back down. My sister tried to turn me in when I started to go to a church. But the elders said I had been gone for so long (about 2 years then) that I didn't matter. It was like I never was, which was how the same way the acted when I was going.
Now I explore all any subject that interests me, and I am totally guilt free. Never been happier.
Pam