I am glad that some of you are finding this helpful.
I am glad too that you have brought up the issue of Gos and your feelings about God. A while back I wrote a piece for a course I took on Religion and death. I have condensed it to post here. It is still pretty long but you will see it echoes many of your feelings
Traumatic child sexual abuse,
psychological death
and the reduction of the belief in the power of God
Lee Marsh
Traumatic child sexual abuse is a major issue which concerns much of society. The long-term effects of child sexual abuse have been well documented by numerous researchers. However, one particular effect that has received little attention is how child sexual abuse may affect the victim's belief in the power of God.
Many victims of traumatic sexual abuse experience a type of psychological death which may contribute to a decrease in religiosity and in the belief in the power of God. It seems that many children;
- are taught that there is a God who loves and protects children,
- are repeatedly abused,
- ask God for help and receive none
- experience a form of psychological death, and
- stop believing that God will save them.
Finkelhor and Browne maintain that experiences such as childhood sexual abuse "alter the child's cognitive and emotional orientation to the world, and create trauma by distorting a child's self-concept, worldview, and affective capacities". The distortions in self-concept, frequently result in a sense of helplessness, powerlessness and entrapment, the distortions in worldview result in a sense that the world is not a safe place, and distortions in affective capacities result in psychic numbing or dissociation.
POWERLESSNESS
Terr states that "psychic trauma" occurs when a person experiences an intense, overwhelming emotional shock. This emotional shock leaves the individual feeling utterly helpless during the event. To a young child, who is both smaller and weaker than an adult aggressor, it becomes almost impossible for a child to experience anything but helpless to stop the abuse from occurring.
Finkelhor & Browne, provide an explanation for the intense feelings of powerlessness that occur during abuse incidents. Without permission, the child's body is invaded. The offender uses forms of lies, deceit and trickery to involve the child in the abuse. Over time the child becomes increasingly aware of an in ability to stop the abuse from being repeated. The recurring incidents result in the child continually feeling fearful about another attack. If the child is able to disclose the abuse, the the child is frequently not given the needed help, which reinforces the child's inability to prevent another attack. The psychological impact of this on the child is to increase anxiety and fear. The child's perception of self becomes one of a victim who cannot control the situation.
PSYCHIC DEATH
Waites refers to "The shock of a sudden trauma" that "throws body and mind off balance". She notes that if the body survives the traumatic shock "subtle or dramatic alterations occur, some of which resemble a kind of psychic death; a sense of aliveness may be temporarily or even permanently lost.". Waites, continues, "...other victims of trauma, depleted of energy for reconstruction, may languish in a lethargic state that feels dead,".
In his book Soul Murder, Shengold states that what happens to a child subjected to "soul murder is so terrible, so overwhelming, and usually so recurrent that the child must not feel it and cannot register it, and resorts to massive isolation of feeling....A hypnotic living deadness, a state of existing `as if' one were there, is often the result."
According to Dr. Judith Herman traumatized people "lose their trust in themselves, in other people, and in God." She states that in situations of terror people "cry out for their mothers and for God. When this cry is not answered, the sense of basic trust is shattered.". Incest survivors interviewed about their belief in a God who could protect them, confirm this loss of trust.
Elly Danica, incest survivor and author of Don't, states. "I yearn for someone to save me. Yearn for pity. There is no help.... I try to tell my teacher at school. She says: "You are subject to your father in all things. He is your lord as Jesus is your lord. He would do no harm and no wrong. He is right in all things. If you are punished or hurt it is for your own good. If he is too rough it is because he loves you. Pray to Jesus for comfort..."
Literature for incest survivors frequently refer to this same loss of trust in God.
"I don't feel God really loves me -- and I've been willing to accept that because I haven't felt that I deserve his love..."
"I was never able to see God as `Abba' or to have a real understanding of God as Father...I never let anyone into my place of safety because I felt I wasn't worth it--and besides, I couldn't even trust God not to hurt me."
I couldn't stop crying. I told God, "I hate you for being a man! I hate you for being a father! I know what fathers do to daughters!
It is really hard to accept a heavenly Father when you've hated your real father and have not been able to trust him. When the only father that you ever had used and betrayed you, how can you expect this guy upstairs to do good things for you?
Throughout the literature trauma is linked to child sexual abuse. This type of severe trauma results in intense feelings of helplessness, lack of safety and protection and eventually a form of emotional numbing or psychic death. With no ability to end the abuse either through their own power or by resorting to outside powers, either other persons or even to God, sexual abuse victims frequently feel totally abandoned and find it difficult to believe that there is a just and loving God who will protect them. Clearly more research is needed concerning the effects of childhood sexual abuse on the the spiritual issues that are raised by this type of trauma.
Full version is on my web site at
http://members.shaw.ca/leemarsh/trauma-god.html
