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Except for a few details I could have written your post.
Early on I learned to be my mother's caretaker. And then the caretaker for my 3 brothers and 1 sister. Being the oldest sucked. I got all the blamed because I should have been watching them.
My father was, quite simply, a psychopath who hurt everyone who came close to him. In comparison my mother was what we though, a saint. But having one crazy parent was terrible. It was my job to take care of my mother because without her we were at the mercy of our father.
Children get so sucked into the caretaking role. It is survival.
But the odd thing was, once I stopped caretaking my mother, (I was in my late 30's) I discovered she was more than capable of taking care of herself. She either learned on her own or found someone else to take care of her. She survived. She is still a JW, and probably stronger now than she has ever been.
My parents were always telling me to grow up but they refused to. At some point we just have to say "Grow up Mom"
We had to grow up very early. I spent time just being a kid. At 36 I was in the park at midnight having a watermelon fight with a girlfriend of mine - until the cops came and told us the park was closed after 11 pm. I felt like such and kid and it was great.
Stop and think about the things you needed as a child and find ways to give some of those things to that little girl who had to grow up way too soon. It isn't her fault her parents shifted the burdens of the family on her. She did the very best she could. I'm actually proud of some of the things I learned. I may have learned them way to young and I might have to change some of those things but I survived and so will you. That little girl has become a pretty awesome woman who is willing to take a look at the past and find ways to make it better
(((Tall Penguin))) STAND TALL
