Disfellowshipping Doesn't Sever Family Ties?

by tergiversator 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Pathofthorns

  I think there are two sorts of families "in the truth". Those that put the organization ahead of everything, and those that only do so while it's convenient.

  The die-hards know exactly how to treat you if they even sense you have doubts of a questionable nature. Some families though due to cultural or other factors will still treat "wayward" members well, although they generally express regret over the course the person has taken.

  I do think that more and more, disfellowshipping is losing the stigma it once had, probably because of the overwhelming numbers of those getting disfellowshipped.

  But to answer your question you asked at the beginning, yes my family basically shuns me for expressing some doubts and concerns. Ironically, although i have openly expressed these things, it is really only my family that avoids me.

  Path
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  My JW sister has completely cut ties to our DF mother. She will not allow our mother to see her grandchildren, will not call, will not write, considers our mother better off dead. Before the DF, they were very, very close.

  Doesn't sever family ties my ass.

  ----Lisa

  PS I told my sister about this FAQ on that site and she said it wasn't a real JW site!! She won't even go look at it!
• 

  Mazza

  My two brothers and sister have shunned me for 20 yrs - even though they no longer d'fp people for what I did (left quietly with no fuss) My parents tried to follow the party line but couldn't quite manage it. They have been hounded religiously (hehehe) for many years to stop seeing me. Considerable pressure has been applied to them to break all ties with me. Usually with the excuse that it will help me to see the error of my ways. Quite how not associating with one's loved ones helps a person believe in God, I don't know - but that's their logic. In the last few years my parents have developed serious health problems. cancer and severe heart disease. I went on the offensive and threatened national publicity if the elders didn't stop hounding my parents. Since then they have been left alone, but are "marked" in the congregaton as not suitable company for the drones who are 100% complient. Oh, unless of course one of the dones needs a favor!

  The WTS has two faces. The one it presents to the outside world which is conveniently peeled away to reveal the real them.

  Marilyn
• 

  Had Enough

  Hi all:

  As I've posted before, this is such a touchy subject with me.

  It just breaks my heart to read your stories of mothers and children and grandchildren being torn apart.

  When I was df'd, my parents were willing to visit with me and I did a couple of times but my brother lived within eyesight of their place and made it plain to them they would "get in trouble with the elders" if I came there again, not even a phonecall from me was allowed. At least they wanted to see me though.

  Not one of my JW family came to my wedding (wasn't even in a church) when I was df'd except my non-JW aunts.

  I was reinstated but a few years later my son was da'd by the elders because he didn't want to meet with them and made it plain he didn't want to go to the meetings anymore. I refused to be forced into shunning my son because some men in "high places" say I should.

  At that time I started to slip away from attendance and no one has tried to push me into not associating with him

  My mother and brother have not seen him and talked to him since. My married daughter and his father have only seen him once for a family medical emergency and once for a funeral. They at least were warm and welcoming to him and his wife and baby, but as soon as that was over, it's back to no talking again.

  I do take my son's wife and baby to visit my JW family I guess because I can't bear their hurt at not getting to know his baby as she grows up. They truly feel they're doing what's right "for him" and I'm disobeying the rules because I'm weak. So be it. My son knows I'll be there for him anytime and I'm enjoying my granddaughter more than words can say. My son's father is the one that's missing out on being a grandfather by his own choice.

  As for other JWs ignoring the info on the official WT website and the FAQs part...I suppose more will use that as an excuse too. I just can't fathom having been that blind once too!

  It's just such an absolute disgrace how much power these puny men have over so many people lives. What a waste of the short life we have. Why can't we just live it to the full with happy families enjoying each other. I tell my son regularly how much I love him and thank him giving me the most precious gift ever..my granddaughter and another one on the way.

  I could not live if I had to shun them...I just couldn't. How can anyone do this to their own children, parents, siblings?

  I feel so bad for all of you who have had mothers, sisters, brothers, children, anyone cut you out of their lives.

  I hope someday soon, this will blow up in the borg's face, and they will be brought to their knees for their crimes.

  If any borg. members or by-the-book JWs are reading this..how do you sleep at night? Don't tell us God requires it..it's men who twisted the scriptures and made the rule. A little searching will find out the real truth

  I've so....Had Enough
• 

  bluesapphire

  Okay. I'll tell you my answer:

  I am the oldest of six children. I was the first to join the cult seven or so years ago. Three years later I dragged in my baby sister. She is ten years younger than I. I ran home from school every day when she was born to take care of her. I loved her so much. We were always so close. That's why I had so much influence on her and she followed me into the cult.

  Unfortunately, she went in harder and deeper than I ever did. Plus, she hasn't suffered the bad experiences that I did so, needless to say, she didn't understand why I became so "weak in the truth."

  Well, after I found out it was all a big con I thought our relationship was stable enough that she could trust me just enough to look into what I was finding. It was a huge slap in the face - although I now understand - that she chose to believe I was a rebellious apostate, rather than a sincere person just wanting to know the truth.

  So now she greets me when we are in front of my "worldly" relatives. Where we used to talk about every other day, I'm lucky if I talk to her once or twice a year - and always on a superficial level - mere cordialities.

  A couple of weeks ago she missed me so she called. I was in the shower and got her message which said, "I missed you. I hope you call me. I want to keep in touch." My heart began pounding. I love her so much. But by the time I called her back she had cooled off and the conversation was dead.

  Did they sever these family ties? Technically - No. But then again I'm not DF'd. Did they RUIN the family bond? Absolutely, positively YES. They ruined all there was to our relationship.

  Have I committed any serious sins? No. My only sin was no longer believing the speculations of a bunch of old men in New York whom she has never met. She chooses to believe them instead of me, even though I've never lied to her before.

  All I can say now is Thank God I didn't suck in the rest of my family. We are such a close family. There is so much love. She misses out on all the family get-togethers. When I was still a witness we used to talk about how much we missed our family when we knew they were getting together. We wanted to be there but felt we needed to do it for Jehovah. So I know she misses us. I know it hurts her heart when she knows I'm there too now and she's not. But at the same time she thinks I chose them and became disloyal to Jehovah.

  So sad.
• 

  bluesapphire

  Emyrose: I think you nailed it on the head. First of all, she was more open minded with her educated mind. Secondly, she ended up leaving too -- precisely the reason WHY the Society enforces shunning -- because its teachings cannot be defended and so inevitably everybody would leave. Self-perpetuation is its MAIN concern. To hell with the families!
• 

  HesterPryne

  I have no contact with my parents.It is confusing ....my mom still sends me 'care' packages.... clothes. antiques, family pics,magazines (not JW mags).
  My mother sent word via my daughter today that if I need to borrow any money, just to let her know. Boy do I need money!! I have a busted water line. (It's underground and I have to hire a backhoe) Anyway...as much as I could use the loan I can't stomach the thought of accepting cash from my parents who won't even speak to me when I encounter them at Walmart. A part o me says take the money....take it for all the bulls*** they've inflicted on me and mine....but I can't do it. I'll eat grass before I borrow from them.

  I wonder if this is how JW's can say, with a straight face, that they don't sever family ties. Send your DF'd family members bags of cast offs and offer them loans.....but don't acknowledge that they are your living relative. My mother told me the day they offically started shunning me that we were to have no contact.....and so it is....
• 

  professor

  My "father" is an elder. He must set an example for the rest of the congregation on how to treat naughty disfellowshipped relatives. My sister and I are both on the d-f list, and we are not allowed to visit them anyomore. We can talk on the phone, but no visits. Recently, Mom and Dad cancelled out on a family reunion because they found out my sister and I are going. Dad tried to lie about the situation to the relatives, hoping that he could guilt-trip my sister and I into cancelling ourselves so they could save face. A few years ago I may have even considered playing into that. They even asked me to disappear from my house for a day so that they could come and visit my wife and daughter without having to see me. I have decided not to let them treat me like that.

  Although they give lip service saying that they are still our parents and still love us, I consider them not to really be my parents anymore. A real father or mother would not resent their children's life choices so much as to not even allow a visit.
• 

  Thirdson

  While it was easy to drift away by moving away that in itself causes some family problems. Some of the stigmatism started with my divorce and I was seen as the failure of the family because not only was my then wife not a very active JW but she left me as well. Then it transpired that I had quit associating with the JW's too.

  In the summer of 1998 my parents came to visit me. We had a nice time together (at least I thought we did). They asked and I took them of a Kingdom Hall one Sunday. It was hall about 10 miles from where I live and outside of the local cong's territory. I found the meeting boring and the people there extremely unfriendly. I think my parents were very disappointed. We never spoke about the meeting afterwards and we didn't talk about religion at all during their visit.

  A year later I had met someone and wanted to take her to the UK on vacation and see my parents. I asked if we could stay with them on our visit but were told no. During the telephone conversation my Dad asked if I had left the "truth". I told him some of my problems with the "truth" mainly the amount of it which I found to be lies. I then received a very hurtful letter. However, I was not totally cut-off and I replied to the letter and then had further discussions with both parents. S and I visited the UK, we stayed with my sister and did get to see my mom and dad and even shared some meals with them.

  A few months later my youngest brother (5th son) got married. I probably would not have attended but I didn't even get an invite. I did receive a thank you message from my brother and his wife but that is the last I heard from him and 18 months have elapsed since.

  Last year S and I got married. We invited most of my closest relatives but none came. Some were for valid reasons but others declined including my parents for whom I was willing to buy airline tickets for. Although I have some relationship with my parents, we phone and e-mail each other, they know nothing of Mrs Thirdson, have no relationship with her and sometimes never even ask about her. She knows this and found it amusing if not rather sad that in the pecking order of "how is everyone?" she ranks after both my son and our cat!

  In that infamous letter my mother asked if S. knew about my former life as a JW and the JW beliefs (even stating that S. might not want to meet them). I can tell you all, S. knows all about JW beliefs, practices and behaviour. She has seen first hand the treatment of former members. If there is one reason never to join that religious sect she knows it very well.

  Thirdson

  Link: http://www.geocities.com/simon_mn/w3247x.htm

  'To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing'
• 

  cskyjw.sun

  disfellowshipping does'nt severe family ties