Are you sure you aren't Canadian?
Sorry, don't understand why you said that.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm so very tired of apologizing for being alive, for inconveniencing people. I know it's wrong and immature to feel this way, but that's the way I was raised. Hell, I starved myself down to 67 pounds in order to be invisible. It worked. My parents didn't notice I'd lost half my body weight. A nun told them...See, I were invisible, that would be the ultimate apology. If I ceased to exist, I wouldn't annoy people anymore. That's the way I saw it.
Anyway, this is leading in to...
"Jehovah has chosen you. You are on the narrow road. Everyone else is on the road to destruction. You are special . You listened to Jehovah. Just play by the rules, Jehovah will love you. Just don't step out of line. Then you'll be special. Don't do anything you'll regret."
And suddenly , I am saying "I am sorry" to the WTS when I do the wrong things, as well as everyone else, because I want to be special. I do all kinds of things I regret instantly. I do so want not to be invisble anymore, but I still No one sees me, but at least Jehovah did. He saw me, and he thinks I"m special."
"The decision of the Judicial Committee is to disfellowship you."
No matter how many times I said I'm sorry, I am now out. I am not special. I'm worse than invisible, I'm condemned. No matter how much I say I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. Because....
Not only am I not special, I'm condemned to a terrible death at Armegeddon.
Now I read Crisis of Conscience.
I was never special in the first place.
And I'm just terribly, terribly sorry.
