I NEED SOME HELP FOR A FRIEND.......

Mary

I'm really concerned about a close friend of mine. She and her husband stopped going to the meeting about 10 years ago (that's not why I'm concerned) but remained pretty low-keyed up until about the last year. We've obviously talked at great length about the religion and how it screwed us royally and have even had some laughs over it (I've shown her some of my posting here and she's roared with laughter).

A few years ago, she got a tatoo because she always wanted one and of course couldn't while she was a Dub. No big deal. She and her husband celebrated Birthdays and Christmas last year for the first time too; also, not a huge deal. But I've noticed in the last year, she's developed a hatred of the Society to the point where she's starting to screw herself. Her one son is an elder. He found out that she celebrated Christmas and was (predictably) very upset, although he didn't rat her out. We were concerned that he wouldn't let his kids come visit their grandma anymore, but he still let them come.

However, she did something that, in my opinion, was incredibly stupid. After 30 years, she decided to start smoking again. I know she enjoyed it years ago (she stopped when she started studying), but to me, starting up again at her age (49) after all those years is completely insane. She started out by saying she would only have "one a day", then it was "three a day" and now she's probably up to at least half a pack. I get the distinct feeling that one of the reasons she's doing this is due to her hatred of the religion. Unfortunately, her elder son found out she was smoking and he was not impressed at all. Although nothing's been said, we're pretty sure he's not going to let his children visit with grandma anymore. She says things like "well that's fine.......no big deal" which is absolutely bullshit; she loves her grandchildren more than anything in the world.

I've tried broaching the subject with her simply because of health reasons, but she gets VERY defensive. She says she doesn't care if she dies, she's enjoying her life now and if people don't like it---too bad. Even her other son who also left "the truth" years ago thinks she's stupid for starting this habit again.

I really want to help her stop this horrible habit, but I'm not sure what I can do. I don't want to see her destroy herself along with her family relations all because of some stupid cigarettes.

Anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

Thanks.

SheilaM

Mary:

I too have a granddaughter maybe if you broach it like this. The hatred of the Society should not overrule the love of her grandchildren. She still needs to be an example for her grandchildren and that should be the most important thing.

Buster

There was a thread on this not too long ago.

Anyway, I noticed something about ex-dubs: alot of them smoke. I went to a Saturday Meetup a couple months ago, and after a few beers someone got up to have a cigarette. Of those that were still there that late, all six or eight of them got up and went with him. All had a cigarette. I know other ex-dubs and I think they all smoke - at least occasionally.

I have no suggestions, except perhaps that there is more in play here than just the cigarettes - rebellion? independance? I don't know.

Mulan

I suggest you leave it alone. She will do it for awhile and then quit, or she will keep it up. It's her decision.

I've also noticed that a lot of ex JW's smoke, and maybe they did before they were dubs and maybe they didn't. I don't care and I would probably do it too, if I didn't have so many grandchildren who would absolutely "kill" me about it.

You don't need to enlighten her about the dangers. Just leave her alone. She will either quit or she won't. It is a rebellion, and will likely play itself out.

Francois

Best to leave her alone. If you push, it might just serve to harden her position.

Lady Lee

I would leave it alone and not push her.

I think, however, from the info you gave there might be some other issues to examine.

Even though she is angry does she still believe they might be right? She might be out of the religion but is it out of her?

If on some level she feels condemned then it would be easy to take the step to say"If I can't be a good witness I will be bad everything else"

This can be dangerous thinking.

You might want to suggest she gets some professional support. But do it gently.

happyout

The worst thing anyone could do is badger her about this. She will quit when and if she chooses. However, her son has every right to insist that she not smoke if his children are around (which I would do). While it's ok to let her know you don't like it, and it's bad for her, let it go at saying it just once.

Good luck!

Happyout

Scully

Mary:

You are a good friend for wanting to help her quit. Unfortunately, it is a sad fact that you can't help someone quit unless they really WANT to quit.

With all the information that's available on how bad it is for you, it's amazing that anyone starts smoking at all.

Maybe this is her way of protesting against the WTS?? Rebelling against the JWs??

When she is ready to quit, I know you'll probably be the one person she goes to for support to help her quit. It's like the wise saying: When the student is ready, the teacher appears....

Love, Scully

Joyzabel

Mary,

Some xjws are further along in their "grieving" after belonging to a high control group. What behavior used to "shock" us as JWs (or were we just being judgemenal?) we need to learn to let people explore and learn to be themselves. She's an adult and she knows what she choices to do. All you can do is be a friend or you will push her away from you and your new standards.

Your world is changing so fast and what used to be secure, certain things that were assumed to be highly prized by all you are finding out what it really means to be tolerant of others.

Concentrate on yourself and being a true friend by being supportive.

Hugs,

j2bf

Mary

Even though she is angry does she still believe they might be right?

Absolutely not.

She might be out of the religion but is it out of her?

I think she'd LIKE to believe that since she doesn't go to the Hall, that all ties with the religion are irrevocably cut, null and void. However, her elderly parents are very strong Dubs (which means they are very judgemental) and they rarely call since she stopped going to the meetings several years ago. Also, as I already mentioned, her son is an elder. She is extremely angry with herself that she ever agreed to go back to the Hall (she left "the truth" when she was 16 years old, married, had some kids and an elder called on her husband. In order to get her parents approval, she agreed to go back.) because now two of her children (both are JWs) know that she smokes and will barely speak to her because of anti-smoking policy amongst the Witnesses. She has said time and again "if I hadn't gone back, the kids would never have been raised in this religion, and all this stuff that's happening now would never be a problem."

She's also said during one of our conversations about how we're tied to other people who might still be in the Borg "so what are you saying? That this religion is going to have a hold on me the rest of my life???" When I answered "yes to a certain degree, because you've got kids and grandkids that go", she was furious. Not with me for saying that, but because she doesn't want this religion to have anything to do with her life, and is angry that it still does...........she seems to be angry at alot of things these days, and I am very concerned about her...............but, I guess other than continue to be a friend, there's not alot I can do to help her............and that's a depressing thought.

Maybe this is her way of protesting against the WTS?? Rebelling against the JWs??

Ooooooh ya...............big time.

I NEED SOME HELP FOR A FRIEND.......

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