Help me find the right antedote to wake sleeping beauty

by shotgun 34 Replies latest social family

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  shotgun

  My wife will not entertain the thought that the Org is not directed by God. Even when presented with constant organizational flip flops she believes its Gods direction. And why not thats what she has been taught since childhood.

  Is ther anything that seems to work better in reasoning with women inparticular. We have a young daughter who she uses to keep me in line by playing the I'll take her and leave chip.

  She is sincere as sometimes she cries when talking about how dead my eyes are when I'm at the meetings or how I have become a dark negative person always able to find fault with Jehovahs organization.

  I try not to upset her but I can't endure forever.
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  concerned mama

  Shotgun,

  I PMed you but there may be a delay till you see it. Even if it doesn't show that you have a message, it might be there.
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  xjw_b12

  Shotgun Welcome to the board. You have come to the right place.

  My father lives in Aldergrove B.C. He has helped quite a few in your area to break the chains. He may be able to help you, but I think it would be better if other posters on this board who are in identical circumstances, offer their advice first.

  Minimus is one, and perhaps instead of asking questions, he will give some answers.
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  jgnat

  I feel for you, Shotgun, as I am facing the same challenges with my JW spouse. By the way, the mental sleep and impaired reasoning is not exclusive to JW women, but encompasses many JW spouses. Here are a few thoughts that might help you understand, and to come up with a strategy to help her wake up.

  • Direct confrontation rarely works. JW's are primed to expect that from the "world", so she immediately writes off whatever you say, no matter how reasonable it sounds. After all Satan in the garden sounded reasonable, and look how much trouble he caused.
  • Self-doubt is really scary for someone who has invested their entire being in to a single religion. Self-doubt is equated with lack of faith. So saying anything that makes her doubt herself starts a Cognitive Dissonance loop that she cannot escape.
  • So how do you get through? By setting up an atmosphere at home where her opinion and thoughts (even the JW ones) are valued and respected.
  • If she is mistreated at the hall, point it out. Make it clear that such treatment is unjust, for anybody. Randy Watters has examples of non-manipulative family relationships . You can set the tone in your family by providing the example.
  • I really like Amazing’s advice here: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm
  • It is a rude shock for many witnesses when they become the target for horrible treatment. Many assume it only happens to the sinful and the weak. Sometimes that shock can knock them out of the cognitive dissonance loop, and wake them up to the reality of their situation.
  • The only other strategy I have come up with is to slowly build my honey's self-worth, and reinforce his ability to make his own decisions. My guess, this approach can take years.
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  Ravyn

  one thing that made a big difference to me was when I started to observe that people who left the JWs were not negative and unhappy and gnashing their teeth...of course at first I attributed this to Satan's blinding them...but after a while and the sheer numbers of happy 'apostates' alone was enough to plant a niggle of doubt. I did a search on the internet for 'Jehovah's Witnesses' and it came up with like 90,000 hits, and I knew only ONE was considered to be true...I just kept returning to that and thinking--how can they ALL be apostate? Have that many people left? Why did they leave? And that started the whole ball rolling.

  The first thing I got from your post was that she thinks you are negative and dark and unhappy. Prove to her otherwise. It will accomplish two things. First it will show here there is a worthwhile life on the outside, and second it will give you a life--which may prove useful if she leaves because you will already have something else to offer her and it will not be a traumatic. It can also work to your protection if things get bad and she does act on her threats and you find yourself alone--god forbid!

  remember that 'win them over without a word' stuff? well fight fire with fire. SHOW her you are not a miserable apostate waiting for armageddon to end your misery. and from a purely female viewpoint---become a person she will fall in love with all over again---that is one of the biggest tools you have to get her out.

  good luck.

  Ravyn
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  shotgun

  Its kind of ironic..she was always what JW's would cosider weak but when I broke down and confided my total lack of confidence that the GB were God directed she became a canidate for JW of the year with study, commenting, service and prayer. The continual remarks of why are you trying to start your own religion and why have you allowed Satan to enter doubts into your mind drive me nuts..I bite my tongue.

  She does see the many problems in the org and cong but as she has been taught belieeves Jehovah will handle this in his due time.

  Have any of you watched God Makers relating to mormons.
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  shotgun

  She has agreed to a BS apart from the WT. Any ideas on where to start with her?

  She wants me to have a BS with an elder but I'm not sure I can teach him anything with his eyes closed.

  Besides the elders have already told me to stop bothering them and do more research myself.
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  minimus

  You cannot barrage her with too much at once. Being raised a JW means she can only think one way. You have to carefully choose your spots and deal with things that you know will get her to think. If flip-flops don't affect her right now, don't go there. Agree on the Bible, first. Use only that to accept a point of view. That's something she should be able to compromise on. Don't tell her the WT. is wrong but question her about what the scriptures specifically state. She will automatically center upon WT. statements to prove a point but remember to abide by using God's Word as the measuring stick. If you make a point or 2, leave her alone and let her think about it. It's all about getting her to think not react. This can take a long time but it is clearly working for me....I wish you the best!!!
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  outoftheorg

  Shotgun, it can be quite a mess. This does not work for all and you have to decide on which course to take. For me, anything scriptural did not work unless it applied to reality. Like blood transfusions, organ transplants and the flipflops there.

  What had the most affect on me, was things like how we were treated and things like, the wbts being a United Nations member for 10 yrs. Their owning stock in the Rand Corp. a supplier of weapons for the military. Their owning shares in tobacco companies. These things come with documents and dates and names and phone numbers. This had more affect on me than others.

  One could leave a printout of one of these things lie around and not say anything. Just wait and see.

  Again, you know your mate better than anyone. So you must decide. It is almost always good to do this in a very slow gradual way. As others said, show her lots of love and caring. Be good and kind and avoid arguments.

  Be happy and cheerful and do things together as a family, outside of the organization. Let them see the good things in the world.

  Wishing you all the best, hang in there and be patient.

  Outoftheorg
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  shotgun

  I try my best not to provoke her as this whole situation is just about giving us both nervous breakdowns. I keep trying to see the situation through her eyes which I may have done a few years ago. Although I hope I would have been loving enough to listen to the concerns of someone that I have spent over a decade with.

  Now it sometimes feels probably for both of us that were like Julia Roberts(Sleeping with the enemy)

  Thanks for all your comments so far!