Guilt and Infidelilty

lisavegas420

Recently a poster shared with us that her father had committed infidelity. Then 3-5 years later, decides he can no longer live with the guilt and confesses to his wife. He alone with his actions turned the entire family upside down. The words that she used was, devasatated, horrible, and catastrophic. Was there a better way to handle this? Is it necessary to hurt your family. First he did something that he felt was wrong. (I am assuming this because he kept it hidden and expressed quilt) He wasn't caught, no pregnancy, no disease, no fatal attraction or anything else. It was just him and his guilt. He could have just made a promise to himself or God or whomever, that it will never happen again. He could have continued to suffer silently or went to a trained professional that could help him though his feelings. He was feeling the quilt because of his actions. Why would he want to or have to pass on this hurt to his family, the people that he knew would be hurt the most by the actions.

Just looking for others thoughts on this.

Lisa

happyout

I tend to agree that when you have erred in this way, but want to continue with your marriage etc. it's best to live with the guilt alone. Confession is generally a selfish thing in these cases, as all it does is cause pain. However, when you are a JW, you are taught that you aren't supposed to deal with God on your own. You are supposed to go to the body of elders and confess your sin. Then they get to decide if you are truly repentant and mete out whatever punishment they see fit. To many non-brainwashed people this is not much different from a Catholic needing to go to confession, with the exception that Catholics don't then kick you out of the church for confessing.

So, the man who confessed was trying to do the "right" thing in the eyes of God, and he and his family have been punished for it.

If you're not a JW, this would be a good example of why you shouldn't become one.

Happyout

Englishman

Maybe he found it impossible to live his life with his wife simply not knowing all there was to know about him? Every little act of kindness she performed would twist his guts if really loved her, he'd feel that she wouldn't want him if she knew the truth about him. Maybe he couldn't stand his life being a total lie.

Englishman.

SixofNine

Well, the old me would have told you what an amoral bonehead you are, but the new me realises that it's far from a black and white issue. I actually tend to agree with you, the man should have dealt (which, as you pointed out, doesn't mean ignoring it) with it w/o involving the family, if possible. Guilt is neither selfish or unselfish, it's just guilt.

The only thing is, as a witness, he had no way of thinking the way you and I are thinking; I don't think it's even possible for a witness to reason this way.

teenyuck

My mother, divorced and dating the same worldly guy for about 2 years, finally broke down and committed fornication. How do I know? She came home and confessed to me.

Did I want to know? No. I was 15 and she came home sobbing about how she gave in to her fleshly desires and how Jehovah was going to never forgive her. She had been *weak* in the truth at this point. After her divorce 3 years earlier she went into a major depression and my sister and I were her caretakers.

My sister left about 3 months earlier and my mom, getting pressure from her boyfriend, decided to do it. I was hoping they would get married. I really liked him. I thought he would have made a great step-dad. He really cared about me and was interested in what I did. His whole family was. However, he was 40ish and horney. I can understand that.

She put up and should have shut up. After she told me I told her to just pray for forgiveness. It was only one time. They were going to get married, right? Oh, no. Now, because she had defiled Jehovah she could never marry him. I was devastated. Not only by her stupid confession to a 15 year old, but by losing my prospect for having a family, again.

She dumped the guy the next day. She called him and told him she never wanted to see him again. I think that was dirty, down, low, etc. She was a rat.

As for her confession, for about 1 week she cried and lay in bed debating what to do. I kept telling her since she was *repentant* Jehovah would forgive her.

She decided to go to the elders anyway. They wanted every detail. How, what position. How long did it last, ect. They DFd her on the spot!!!!

That really devestated her. Then she really went into a depression. She stopped going to meetings for about 1 year. Then she fought back. She wrote the society to get reinstated and told them it was a *witchhunt*. She was repentant the moment it happened. Only one time. Not a practicer. Etc. It took 6 months, and they reversed the elders decision. One of the elders had to step down.

After all this I believe: Keep your mouth shut. Tell a therapist. Don't tear your family apart nor tell stuff to a kid who is unprepared to handle this kind of information.

I still think of Pete, the guy she was fornicating with. I wish she married him. So does she. She recently said she let a great man get away for a stupid reason. DUH!!!!!

Billygoat

Well, the old me would have told you what an amoral bonehead you are, but the new me realises that it's far from a black and white issue. I actually tend to agree with you, the man should have dealt (which, as you pointed out, doesn't mean ignoring it) with it w/o involving the family, if possible. Guilt is neither selfish or unselfish, it's just guilt.

The only thing is, as a witness, he had no way of thinking the way you and I are thinking; I don't think it's even possible for a witness to reason this way.

BINGO!

lisavegas420

Of course, thats why he told his wife...I keep forgetting about the JW mind set. Even though I was born and raised in to it, I could never stop asking questions and just except what I was told. Too many things just didn't make sense.

Oh and SixoNine the amoral bonehead comment was too funny, I actually laughed out loud, .But alas, I've been called much worse

Lisa

Euphemism

Well, put me down with Englishman on this on. Personally, if my fiancee were to be unfaithful to me, I would rather know; and if I were to stray, I would tell her. We're both very forgiving people... but we're also very open with each other, and I don't think that either of us could take hiding something that important from each other.

I'm not saying that in this case it was necessarily the right thing for him to do. What I am saying, however, is that I'm more surprised by the reaction than by the confession.

primitivegenius

well its a personal thing now isnt it. if you can promise yourself it was only once and never again....... and then live to try and make up for it and know that you love her........ and prehaps talk to a therapist or someone you can trust to keep it in confidence. then its a personal decision, but if you cant live with yourself your gonna do what you think you gotta to make things right. i belive its possible for a person to cheat once and then never again........ but if its a repeated cheating whether with the same person or not.............. then i dont think they will be. it depends on the shock factor if your shocked and appalled then prehaps you learned your lession. its all personal opinion tho how does a person feel. i feel family is the most important but if it eats at a person inside i can see them laying it all out on the table and trying to get forgiveness. if you can handel it yourself do it but if you cant then you gotta do what you gotta do................. maybe put it off tho depending on any children or whatever.

rocketman

What also gets me about the jw mindset is this: let' say he'd have committed that one act of adultery and kept it to himself. Now, let's also say that another jw finds out somehow. We all know what will happen. With no concern as to how it will affect the family, the jw will run to the elders (or, as happens less often but is supposed to happen first by jw rules, the jw talks to the guy and encourages him to confess, but also of course says that if he won't within a short time then the jw will take it to the elders anyway).

So the spouse of course must then be told. The elders want only 'justice' and 'repentance', and they really don't count repentance as something between the individual and God alone. They must get involved, and when they do, all H*** breaks loose.

Guilt and Infidelilty

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