Andi, awesome story-thanks for sharing!
Nikita
My updated profile...
by Billygoat 29 Replies latest jw experiences
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DannyBear
Andi,
It's gut wrenching to pull all that out isn't it. I firmly believe it these type life stories that lurker's can really relate to.....not to mention crusty old exjw's like myself. Thanks for the effort.
**** I felt my soul die that day. (At the writing of this, it’s been over 13 years since I’ve heard those words and I’m still trying to recover from it****
I remember some of your early posts indicating that your father was still in contact with you. What happened to your relationship with dad during those 13yrs?
Danny
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cruzanheart
(((((Andi))))) I know your story will help others, especially when they meet you and see what a beautiful, serene person you have become. Your serenity, however, doesn't come from being a Stepford Wife or blindly following a bunch of rules -- I can tell that you are at peace deep down inside yourself. That's wonderful! I'm so glad we're friends!
Love,
Nina
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window man
andi thank you i realize every day how twisted my old personality was the borg is such a negitive alwas reminding us that we never do enough im so happy to be out you have all the family you need right here windowman
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nowisee
thank you so much for sharing your story. praise the Lord for finding you.
best wishes with love, your sister, nowisee
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Banshee
(((((((Billygoat))))))) Thank you for sharing your story with us.I could relate to many things you experienced as a young JW. Like you, I was hurt deeply by my father and I also rebelled in a big way, as a young adult. Today, I too, believe in a loving, compassionate God and Jesus Christ and I have learned about grace...which we were never taught as JWs.
Thanks again for sharing!
---Banshee
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Big Tex
This was my daddy, who taught me how to ride my bike, how to swim, how to drive a stick-shift and give me noogies as he joked about me being his stubborn little Billygoat?
A lot of pain in this statement.
Andi, reading your story gave me goosebumps and just makes me sad. What a waste. Your father missed out on so much from you. Look at all those years he had with you right under his nose, all the laughs and the hugs you both missed out on.
I remember reading an article, in fact I still have it, about a study that showed the father has more impact on the life choices and career a daughter has than the mother. The more successful the woman, the more often they found a father who was there encouraging and supporting his daughter.
I thought of that while reading your last couple of paragraphs. I'm so very glad you have begun the healing process. Having met you several times now, I sense the inner peace you seem to have found. You've overcome a great many obstacles and you should be extremely proud of yourself. Sometimes being as stubborn as a billygoat has its rewards. Sometimes it means you just don't give up, even when the one person who should have been there for you, isn't.
I'm glad I know you.
Chris
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Yesterdays Child
Wow I loved your story My brother an elder treats his daughter the same way How sad. As a dad of a 11 year old daughter I will always be there for her no matter what. UNCOCONDITIONAL
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MegaDude
Andi,
After all you've been through what I find most striking is that you're such a kind person with such a big heart.
I think it's a tragedy how your family has disowned you and not only for your loss, but their loss of not having you in their life. Any parent not blinded by the Watchtower's control tactics would be proud to have you as their daughter; any brother would love having you as a sister. My hope is that one day the cult blinders will fall off their eyes and this will be realized for you and for them. I am glad you have a new family that has made you one of their own . You were the first person I met from the board in person, and without a doubt the friendliest and the most open. You're a good person to know. (((((BG)))))
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Billygoat
Thanks so much everyone for your comments! I'm surprised at how many responses I've gotten, as I did this really more for myself. But I'm glad I did it. So much healing comes just from being honest and open. Yes, it hurts initially, but knowing that everything is "out" feels good. A little emotional purge I guess.
Rayzorblade - I'm sorry we didn't get more of a chance to talk last Friday. I made it home before I turned into a pumpkin! You have such a kind voice and I would love to hear your story sometime.
SheilaM - I am a firm believer that your family is what you make it. I've adopted several people on this board as parents, sisters, and brothers. And what's funny is the amount of love I've received in the two years I've been here has been abundantly more than I remember as a JW child! Loving to me is as natural as breathing. But it's taken years of recovery to learn how to love...all the natural loving instincts we are born with were stripped away all those years at the Kingdom Hall. (And tell Thunder that he is a DOLL! Not having the gift of gab means you listen better than you talk - a lesson I need to learn in a BIG way!!!)
happyout -
It's so wonderful to know you were able to move on, and have a good life instead of wallowing in your pain.
You are so right - wallowing does nothing for the soul. Sometimes I want to wallow because I don't have the emotional energy to "get up". But somehow, somewhere the desire to survive overcomes the exhaustion and pain. Isn't that why we're all here? To overcome the exhaustion and pain?
Wildhorses - Yes, there is a bright side to all of this. I am free! And if there was to be THIS outcome, I'd go through it all over again! Seriously.
Reporter - I am happy that you are experiencing the reuniting of your family! I dream that one day I'll be there too! Regarding the mistake in my story: When I was 16, just months before my baptism, we moved from Missouri to Hawaii. You didn't miss anything! (I didn't realize I'd left that little, yet important detail out. Oops! My apologies for the confusion!) But I think we moved because my father saw how the Hawaiian congregations were different from the mainland congregations. Generally, life in Hawaii moves to it's own beat - including the JWs!
I've heard great stories about Hawaiian congregations, as well as Fiji, Tahiti, etc. It must be because of the people in those Pacific Islands. It's like a different world.
SO your statement is VERY correct! I wonder sometimes if we hadn't moved to Wichita, if I'd EVER have escaped. I loved being a Witness in Hawaii! Life really was good there!
Lady Lee - Amongst the emotional and mental abuse growing up, there was a lot of physical abuse. Until the age of 16, my father spanked me with a large leather belt on a pretty regular basis. Not that I didn't deserve it at times, but he always made me remove ALL of my clothing in order to do it. If I balked at it, I got a worse beating. Within the last several years, a therapist told me that she believed my experience to be sexual abuse. I'm not sure what I think of that, but I do know that like a stereotypical rapist, my father wanted me to feel humiliated and helpless. It had nothing to do with disciplining me. So maybe that therapist is right.
Randy - I've gotten your email. Please let me think about it before I respond. I will write back in another day or so. Thanks!
Makena - I hope you know that you and Sabine hold a special place in my heart too! I know some of the pain you've experienced, just in an opposite manner. I've lost my parents to the same people you've lost your daughter to. Not the same circumstances for sure, but losing parents is probably the biggest hurt I've ever experienced.
drwtsn - Has anyone told you that you have a darling little mug!
Nikita - Thank you!
DannyBear - Yes, my father and I were in touch most of those 13 years. If it wasn't personally, then it was always via my step-mother - and contact was almost ALWAYS initiated by me. Although I didn't personally talk to him, we always knew about each others lives, details, health, jobs, etc. But May 2002, when they refused to attend my wedding to Mozzer, I told them that from here on out, that if they wanted details of my life, THEY would have to contact me. I told them I loved them and would always be here if they needed me, but I wasn't going to put myself through a relationship that was obviously so one-sided. (I can count on two hands the number of times they initiated contact with me in 13 years!!!) This last year they've given me money, special heirloom gifts, all material things...I wonder if they feel the need to make up for something. What they don't realize is I don't give a crap about that type of stuff. An apology and a genuine attempt to have a healthy, loving relationship is what I want. But I know...I'm expecting rational behavior from irrational people. Might as well squeeze apple juice from an orange.
Cruzan - You have no idea what an impact you've made on my life just within the last several months. I feel honored to simply witness your lives with your children! You both have the biggest hearts and truly understand the benefits of LOVING people. (It's not just an outlet for sharing emotions, but how wonderful to see those people then begin to share with others!) It is so important to me NOW, that I don't lose those precious moments with my friends and family. Maybe that's why I enjoy photography so much. Because I've learned I have a budding gift of "capturing" emotions onto a photo. I love doing that!
Big Tex - As Jennie slept on your lap last Friday, I had a memory of my father doing that with me when I was very little. I know he loved me at one time. Maybe not anymore, since he's been taught to love conditionally. But I still hold onto those good memories from before he became a JW. I remember one summer Sunday afternoon, riding in the car with him. The windows were down and our hair was blowing all over the place as we're speeding along the highway. All of a sudden, we saw this HUGE butterfly fly right towards our car and at the last minute he veered away and wasn't hurt by our windshield. I remember giggling as my father tried to imitate a dopey butterfly forgetting to look both ways and then almost getting run over. His arms were flailing like little wings and he had the funniest confused look on his face. He was a great dad back then! He knew what it meant to "capture" those moments.
windowman - Doesn't it feel great to be out?
nowisee - I love your name btw! Yes, my life is so different today. But like I said earlier. If I could have the guarantee of THIS life, I'd do it all over again.
Banshee - Grace is the biggest gift I've ever experienced. Not just from God, but from others that have experienced it. I think when you experience grace, the humbling effect makes it easier to GIVE grace to others. That's been a huge part in my healing from the pain my father has caused me. Giving him grace.
Thanks again everyone for your comments! And thanks for being patient as I respond to everyone. All of you have gifts to share and I thank you for sharing them with me!
Love,
Andi