My updated profile... (page 3)

Billygoat

To a couple people I missed:

Yesterday's Child - Your daughter is a lucky little girl! And where/when you can, please be there for your neice. My uncle was there for me when my dad wasn't around. Now we are very close and I call him my Uncle Dad. He is the father I always wanted and although he has a 16 year old daughter today, he loves me like he loves her. He gave me away at my wedding last year!

Megadude - You have been such a gift to me! When I speak of my adopted family, you are one of the first that comes to mind. Yes, I've been blessed with Mozzer's family - they are amazing! But they will never understand my background or why I tick the way I tick. But you and others here do. You understand me in ways nobody else in my life understands me. Even Neil says he's amazed by how quickly exJWs bond. I don't regret being an apostate at all. The title is worth everything I've gained here.

Andi

DannyBear

Andi,

Thanks for the reply.

**** I told them that from here on out, that if they wanted details of my life, THEY would have to contact me. I told them I loved them and would always be here if they needed me, but I wasn't going to put myself through a relationship that was obviously so one-sided. ****

I think many of us have gotten to that point with our 'shunning' jw relatives. I did basically the same thing with my daughter's. About a year ago my oldest daughter called out of the blue.......we have now a wonderful relationship, we talk at least two or three times a week! Iam so happy to be able to share our lives together now.

So there is hope Andi.

Your a delightful poster, and I always smile when I see your picture. You have a spark in your eye, with a smile that melts. So I think maybe your daddy is trying to tell the best way he can......'material things'.......that he loves his little 'billy goat' enough to 'break the rules'.

Danny

sxybrwneyes

Billygoat- I also experienced alot the the same things as you growing up in the "truth". I am still scarred from all of the emotional abuse I received from my JW grandmother who raised me, who was running me to the elders on a weekly basis for the pettiest things, and no matter what I did I was never doing enough for Jehovah in her eyes and I was going to die at armageddon. I finally had enough. Been out for 9 yeas, and my life is great. I'm so glad I finally learned the real truth

earthdreamer

Dearest Billygoat,

Your words have truly touched me. I am new to the board and have only written a few things.

I have been "out" for probably about 10 years or so. I opted to phase out - after being DF'd and reinstated (with restrictions of course).

My mother is the bad memory for me. My father I am happy to say has always treated me like his little girl, even now when I am 41. It saddens me that they have lived their whole lives as JW's and for them there is not even an option of anything else. I have just learned how to communicate on a different level. That in itself is sad.

You said that you don't remember a lot of happy times after the age of 7 or 8. I don't remember my childhood at all except for little snippets here and there. I wonder how prevalent that is with all of us here on the board? My most vivid memory is my mom dragging me to the back of the hall for a spanking as I wasn't paying attention. I was literally grabbing at the chair edges the whole way back. Oh, yes, I think I was about 4.

I was baptized at 12. I've had to really think about it to remember that. But it was 1974, so that would make me 12.... All of the repercussions involved in baptism. That statement holds a lifetime in it.

I chose to leave home at 18 and remember my father (yes, he's an elder) laying on the bed sobbing. My mother was screaming at me how horrible I was for what I was doing to him.??? Still not a clue as to what was done to me. I was only allowed to take whatever I had purchased. I recently worked through the memory of walking to work in the cold with no coat. Yep, Mom made me the coat, so it had to stay. Then I remember my dad showing up one day with the truck loaded. All of my clothes, my bedroom furniture and new towels that he had bought me. My mother stayed in the truck and refused to even look at me.

Funny, those are the good memories. Because I have always known, even when I was df'd that my dad loved me.

Hopefully one day you will have more good memories of you and your dad. I'm sorry to have taken up the space on this thread with what is really for you.

Bless you for your words. You brought tears to me and helped me walk a little further in this journey I just call MY life.

Earthdreamer

Billygoat

((((((((DannyBear))))))))) You are truly sweet! Thank you so much.

So I think maybe your daddy is trying to tell the best way he can......'material things'.......that he loves his little 'billy goat' enough to 'break the rules'.

I think you are right...it's his MO. My father was a workaholic. He owned his own business for years. Mom was the vice-president, so she worked a lot too. But from the age of 10 until 16 when we moved to Hawaii, he was rarely home because of that stupid business. He worked 80 - 100 hours a week for YEARS!!! When we moved back to Hawaii when I was 16, he was unemployed for a long while. He tried to spend more time with us kids then. But six years of having NOT having him in my life, had already done the damage. I didn't respect him because all of a sudden he wanted to "play dad". My 16-19 year old self wouldn't have it. I regret my stubbornness to NOT include him into my teenage life, but I just wanted him to take responsibility for his role in it. He never did and he never has.

I remember the last day I lived at home he broke down crying (after he punched the hole into our house, missing me only because I ducked) bawling his eyes out. He was on his knees with tears running down his face saying, "I did the best I could. Can't you see that? I worked all that time so you could have decent clothes and a nice home. Can't you see that I did my best?" I remember being completely devoid of any emotion at that point - no anger, no crying, no nothing. But since I was getting older (and BIGGER) I had learned to fight loud and hard. Not feeling ANYTHING was a weird place to be. But with a deadpan face and a soul-less voice I remember responding with, "Your best wasn't good enough Dad. I don't give a crap about clothing or a nice home. I never did. Neither does mom or the boys. We wanted YOU. I wanted YOU. I needed YOU. That's all - not the material crap. The way I look at it, I haven't truly seen my father in years." I don't remember his response or even the rest of the argument as I was busy packing my suitcase. Now that I'm older, I cringe thinking about those words to my father. Although they were true, they were terribly hurtful. And I can't take them back. I still feel so much guilt over having said those words in a mere matter of seconds, even though he abused me for years!

sexybrowneyes - Thank you for sharing! Too many of us out here, huh? I'm glad you're here!

earthdreamer - Don't worry about this being MY thread. This entire board is about sharing experiences. You aren't doing any harm - you are doing good by sharing your story. Good for you and good for the rest of us. Good for you because sharing heals. Good for the rest of us because it's just one more person that we can relate to. The more people I encounter with stories like yours and mine, the more my heart begins to heal. It's just like you said:

You brought tears to me and helped me walk a little further in this journey I just call MY life.

That's what it's all about. Sharing little snippets (or big chunks if you like! ) about our lives. Funny how we all help each other heal even though we've never met. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Andi

DannyBear

Andi,

Reading your words really hit home to me. I have to confess that I made some of the same mistakes with my daughter's.

My youngest 22yrs still is very angry with me, aside from all the jw crap. Unfortuneatly I allowed the 'cult' to influence my visitation and regular contact with my daughter's. There was no excuse for me staying out of their growing up years.

Even though I offered an appology to them during their teen years.......they were very hurt, it was to hard for them to just forgive.

Iam just thankful my oldest has the heart capacity to look past the error of my way and allow me back into her life. Iam trying to avoid sounding like Iam giving advice, but if your dad is hurting from his mistakes anything like I was, your current feelings should turn his head!!!!!!!!

****Now that I'm older, I cringe thinking about those words to my father. Although they were true, they were terribly hurtful. And I can't take them back. I still feel so much guilt over having said those words in a mere matter of seconds, even though he abused me for years!****

Send him this thread! Talk about a catharsis....yours and his (hope so).

Danny

LyinEyes

((((((((((((((((Andi)))))))))))))))

I have so much to say to you but I think I will wait until I can see ya face to face some day soon to really sit and talk about some things.

You are precious, you are strong, you are a survivor, and most of all you are free and happy......Thank God above that , deep in your soul you didnt let this all destroy you.

I really like what you said about how the sweet things now , are even sweeter , that is so true. That is really so true,,,,,,,,,thanks so much for sharing your story,,,,girlfriend we could talk for hours.......lol.

Jesika has been here with me , and it is so wonderful to have her here to talk to and laugh with . So we need to get together soon and do a little talking and alot of laughing more than anything.......lol.

Much Love , Dede

jst2laws

Here I am reading your story knowing I have people expecting me on the job.

You made me cry, but it is the good kind of crying.

((((((Billygoat))))))

Steve

LittleToe

It's touching to hear more of your story Andi.

(((Hugs)))

Oreopandabear

Billygoat,

At times I felt as if I as reading about my own life. Thank you so much for sharing.

God Bless,

Oreo

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