troubled [in need of answers]

by zev 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  zev

  Today, I had a long, long talk with my employer. this person is some one who can seperate work and personal things, so after feeling like i needed to talk to someone, and soon, before i crack up, i went to her and dropped the bomb. she is not a witness, and because i cannot talk to a witness about what i have learned, for fear of the df'ing thingy, i feel safe in talking to her. one thing that came out of it....i need some sort of help. this i already knew. some sort of councelling and or support group. she is very involved in the community and said she can make some calls for me to put me in touch with the right people. she knew i was a witness, but we never talked much obout it. i explained how i've been struggling with my new found discoveries and that although i had set up a time table that i figured i could eventually walk away, i was having great difficulty because it has been eating at me. i gave her specific examples of how i felt and things i've learned, though i had to make a simplistic approach because she really knows little about us. then the eventual topic arose, how was i going to tell my wife? how would she handle it? things are already strained and everytime i miss a meeting, like tonights, i get nothing but discust from her. how can i tell her?, i said. she has 2 choices, believe me, or stick with the borg and turn me in. it isnt an easy decision, and i do not know what to do. my feeling is once she realizes that i have seen the "light" our marriage will be over. and like i said, its already strained, and imho, its been over a long time. maybe the one thing thats held us together is our belief in this religion. now, thats over.

  so my question, after all that is, for those that are/were married in the bog, how did you do it? what approach did you take? is one way better than another? and in the end, did it work out as you had planned? and please any other information that you think would help. i'm already facing my crossroads, and it isnt only one, its two crossroads. its decision time.

  thank you.

  __
  zev
  Now feeling the pain of sitting on the pickets
• 

  nelly136

  cant asnwer the marriage thing because i havent been there
  as a jw, but ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and
  thinking of you, and hope whatever you do it works out as
  painlessly as possible.
  luv nelly
• 

  zev

  thank you nelly.

  __
  zev
  Now feeling the pain of sitting on the pickets class.
• 

  larc

  Zev,

  Let me give it a try.

  I appreciated the advice I heard from Peter Gregerson on the subject. Peter was the disfellowshipped person who Ray Franz had lunch with, his employer, and was in tern disfellowshipped on this technicality. Peter came to disbelieve many things, but many of his family were zealous Wintesses. He chose to take his time and on occasion, ask them a question about something he didn't understand. By slowly planting seeds of doubt, he was able to slowly draw his family into a different way of thinking and they left with him.

  There are no guarantees, and it is hard to know how proceede in your very percarious situation. However, it is one approach you might consider.
• 

  zev

  thanks larc,

  you know, i tryed with one thing already. blood fractions. and by the time we got home, she was totally turned off by it and didnt want to read anything i researched on it. but thanks for the input, and i'll try with something else maybe.

  __
  zev
  Now feeling the pain of sitting on the pickets class.
• 

  doubtingsister

  Hey Zev,

  I don't know what to tell you about your wife, my husband (fortunately) is not a witness so he's totally loving my new "personality".
  Try to show her what real love is about and even if things take a worse turn she'll be able to recall that you were a better person without the witness jacket on. I hope things work out for the two of you. Don't push it too hard though, it just doesn't seem to work unless they want to see it.
  I'm having a harder time with my parents. I do understand the necessity of getting counseling. I've been debating this back and forth in my mind for weeks now. There is just nobody who I can confide in who'll understand what I'm going through. I"ve told one non jw friend and she can't believe that I was involved in such a thing. That really makes me feel stupid and gullible and I'm afraid to mention it to anyone who wasn't a witness.

  Get a counselour and let me know how it goes, maybe I'll get the guts to do it too.

  Anne
• 

  expatbrit

  Zev:

  Feel for ya, buddy.

  Before ceasing to attend meetings I had to give long and careful thought to how this would affect my marriage. How would the JW wife react? What might the elders do to encourage her to leave me (getting her out of the apostate zone)?

  The choice was between continuing to attend: faking it; or telling her how I really felt.

  I took the latter course, for two main reasons.

  1) I had become very irritable and vinegary because of the internal stress of smothering my negative emotions at meetings, in field service etc. In short, I was becoming a right SOB to live with, and this in itself obviously strains the relationship. My conclusion was that there was greater danger in letting this continue than biting the WT bullet.

  2) I respect my wife immensely. This requires honesty. How could I deceive her on something as important as religion. A successful marriage demands honesty.

  And so I told her that I no longer believe in the WT, that it's a cult and that I would not be back.

  You know what? She didn't tell anyone else! Her attitude is "it's your decision, and you must deal with the consequences (talking to the elders / other family members etc.)".

  And so my making the decision and telling her has not really affected things. What it has demonstrated to me is that we both married a "person", not just a WT clone. Yes, there are awkward moments, and some sadness when she goes to conventions etc. without me, but our marriage is not dependent upon the WT for it's success.

  I'm sorry that your marriage is so strained. It sounds rather cavalier to say this, but surely a resolution whichever way is better than continuing tension and insecurity, for both of you?

  You must make your own decision. Whatever you decide, I hope for the best for both of you.

  Expatbrit
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  larc

  zev,

  If I remember right, sometimes he would "play dumb". He would say something like, "you know there something I don't quite understand, what is the meaning of the word "generation"? I just don't get it." - something like that. This would prompt them to have to think and answer and maybe not be able to answer. Remember, the Witnesses as you well know having been one, are programmed. When you use an unprogrammed approach, it may cause them to think.
• 

  zev

  doubtingsister said:

  Get a counselour and let me know how it goes, maybe I'll get the guts to do it too.

  I will. And I will post how it works out, one way or the other.
  Thanks.

  __
  zev
  Now feeling the pain of sitting on the pickets class.
• 

  safe4kids

  ZEV!!!

  I am sorry to hear that things are so tense for you right now. I was married to a non believer for many years and, strangely enough, we split up AFTER I left so I don't really have any words of wisdom to help you with. I definitely do encourage you to go to counselling as that will help you see things with more perspective. I have to echo what has already been posted: act with love and that will mean more than anything you can say. But stay true to yourself, Zev...you won't do your wife any favors by doing anything else.
  You're in my thoughts {{{{Hugs}}}}

  Safe

  <"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.">