(((scooby))) your a sweetie and I wish you only the best whatever path you decide to take
The Convention/My life.
by ScoobySnax 38 Replies latest jw friends
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WildHorses
I'm fed up with trying hard to fit into one mould or the other
Then don't, just fit into your own. If you are always trying to live your to make others happy, you will never be happy youself. Don't you think you deserve happiness? I do and I hope you find it. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Brummie
and not some silly ol git at 32 who's still trying to work out where I am
Scoob, its not silly to be in this position at age 32. From my observations a lot of people are in this same boat. Its normal and its OK. Dont make yourself feel any worse, hold your head up, your biggest fight is not identifying who you are, you already done said who you are in your first post. You are gay man who cant fit into the great expectations of other people, THATS who you are. Your fight is against trying to be someone else. You are not a JW/mormon/athiest/etc. Why struggle to be someone else, seems to me that you have found yourself.
Brummie
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Satanus
Never being here or there, struggling with who I am, what I want, and where I am. I'm not "in" and I'm not "out", I'm just there watching again, at a convention, in a bar, on the sidelines. I'm gay, its not gonna change, JW (but not active) Gay (but not active).......the frustration goes on......I lost myself somewhere along the way.
Like a ship run aground on a sandbar. Growing up, we try to be like our heros, try to please our parents and our peers (the dubs). Once we are mature enough, we often throw off the fake images that we've projected, and start being ourselves. We find out that the old ways, being somebody else, doesn't work anymore. Maybe going back will be harder than going forward. Chart a course that is right for only you, and you will find a fair wind at your shoulder.
SS
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Big Tex
Nothing seems to fit. I will try to "embrace me" when I find "me"
Of all the posts you have made, this is the most piercing statement you have made. I understand. When I quit meetings, I was 27. I didn't "find" myself until I was 40. That's quite a long time of staring at the ceiling. But the difference between you and me was that I had the love of my life with me. If I didn't, I'm not sure I would still be here.
Scott, I hear a lot of pain in you right now and I can appreciate a lot of it. Just so you know, I started studying at age 9. I studied a year before my parents did. I really and truly believed everything the Witnesses sent down. I lived the life and talked the talk. I cannot tell you how painful it was for me to leave it. Even when I did, I didn't want to. And if you really want to know the truth, it's been since I've been on this board that I've stopped looking back with fondness at "the good old days".
Everyone has to move at their own pace. We all have to look at some things that sometimes we don't want to. God knows I fought tooth and nail to stay a Witness. But there came a day when I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to be who I was. And when that day came, I felt this weight (quite literally a heavy pressure) come off my shoulders. It was such a relief. I could be who I am.
In that sense I can really empathize with your struggle. Just understand, that at the end of the day we all have to be who we are. God knows what you are in your heart, and he's waiting for you right now.
I hear you and I get where you're coming from. I'm just sorry it took me this long. In the meantime, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Instead of staring at the ceiling, just relax and understand that God doesn't make crap. You are who you are for a reason. And if I, ignorant Texan that I am, feel that way, how much moreso does the God who is with you right now?
Just my random and nonsensical thoughts . . . . . .
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cruzanheart
I lost myself somewhere along the way.
No, dear friend, you are in the process of FINDING yourself, and it's a long, hard process. Some people never do and they are miserable all of their lives. YOU are different. YOU are exploring new options, trying to accept yourself, trying to find others who accept you, and questioning the world around you, AS YOU ARE MEANT TO DO. You can't find answers until you ask questions.
Go to the convention. Feel the pain of not feeling what you see on the faces of those around you. But really look at the ones around you and see their vacuous stares, hear the snores, see the fanatical gleam in the eyes of others who frantically take notes about subjects that have been considered over and over and over again. And realize that you are feeling the pain of being reborn. How did Shakespeare put it in "The Tempest"? You are "suffering a sea change into something rich and strange."
Enjoy the journey. Experience the emotions. And rejoice at the person you will become. I'm thrilled we are here to help you with your journey.
Love,
Nina
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ScoobySnax
Thanks for your replies...... my fight really isn't with the Witnesses, or thinking about it, with gay people in bars either, diametrically opposed lifestyles, both part of mine. I just don't understand. My fight I suppose from the age of about 12 or 13 has been with myself. We are all struggling here with what to us has become our burden. Each of us holds a burden, and are sensitive to others critisism of it. Well I guess its my way of trying to explain it. I'm probably getting out of my depth here, and I realise where I am. I am grateful though for your replies. You have been so much kinder and understanding where I may have been not so in the past. Thanks for that. <<<<time for bed>>>>>
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GentlyFeral
*applause*
So now we get a glimpse of the real Scoob. Your post shows courage & grace. I don't think I can add anything to what's been said in this thread, except a couple URLs:
For living a gay life that doesn't suck: Manifest Love: Build the kind of gay culture you want.
For striking your own balance between gay and JW, without self-hatred and with plenty of moral support: A Common Bond (and don't be scared by the "ex" thing; this group holds annual conventions, and I met one member who's an active elder; stays in for family reasons, mostly). The Gay XJW's can be pretty vitriolic & bitchy if you trigger their defense reflexes, but it isn't any worse than you received here.
Welcome to the big old amazing world, and good luck.
gently feral
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Inquiry
Hey Scoob...
Your posts in this topic got me reminiscing..(sp?) To say when I was young that I was naive is saying the least. I had a fixed expectation in my mind of what I thought my life was supposed to be like as opposed to what I was living. I remember the expectations....I remember having the impression that it was supposed to be like following a map... Hindsight is 20/20.... and I was never very good with directions.... Having no real reference points to get there and just trying to get through it all left me feeling quite lost.... It's like living in a no man's land and you feel like your in limbo... but really your not... your making decisions... they make your feet move and all of a sudden, life blooms!
My father was quite an intelligent man, and my mom, well, she had problems... besides Star Trek and the news... we didn't watch much on TV... hey, it was the '60's... trust me.. I didn't miss much....We read alot in our family.... and I grew to admire people like Ghandi, Churchill, and the character Spock.... you know, those brilliant, wise sage kinda people... and I wanted to emulate that.... Then, when I was a little older... about 23... I attended this stupid three day seminar... it was about goal orientation... time management... you know, expensive crappy company sh*te.... and I learned about "Integrity". I know, I know.... I heard the word... looked it up in the dictionary, thought I saw it applied in people around me, and long story short.... I had a goal! Can you say sucker? I was young and stupid, what can I say? (Is it drafty in here?.... I feel like I'm walkin around in me undies )....*shakes head and sighs*...I was so attracted to the "altruism" and "purity" of it all... Well, I gotta tell ya... Integrity is quite the task master.... and man, did I put myself through it! (That's part of the reason I was attracted to JWs... I thought they had integrity too) I was naive as a puppy still wet behind the ears and just as fragile..... But, I learned the hard way... like most people on that particular journey do.... and now I'm not so wet behind the ears .... lol....(Have you heard the expression, be careful what you wish for?)
I learned a lot from my experience and found out that being that sort of individual, wasn't what I thought it was going to be in the first place ... Quite frankly most people who "sell" that idea... are cons ..... could I have been more mistaken? I think not.... ... I also learned that I wasn't too far from the kind of person I wanted to be all along ....certainly not a Ghandi, Churchill or Spock... but not lacking in some of the qualities that attracted me to them in the first place. I learned it's not about appearances or even expectations or that wonderful picture of who you think you should be... it's really just about accepting the path... and that's about accepting yourself.... you... the guy you see in the mirror every single day....
It's hard to hold two completely opposing ideals in your hands and try to live your life between them. That perfect picture in your mind of who you ought to be is completely at odds with who you are... I suggest you go with who you are... move from that point. No one knows you like you do, and the other is just a projection... explore a bit.. see what makes you happy...
Good luck with it all... okay... I'm pullin me pants up now....
Toodles for now
Inq
edited because I just don't know when to stop!
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Gopher
I also am glad you revealed what really is going on in your life. Your earlier threads finally make sense in this context.
It must be lonely to be where you're at right now.
All I can say -- and this is just my opinion -- is that by continuing to listen to the JW's at their meetings, conventions, whatever -- this will just contribute to your anxiety. After all one of their main motivational tactics is that of making you feel you are NEVER doing enough for Jehovah (i.e., more demands to help their organization). Once you realize that dichotomy - that they're really serving men and not the Creator, maybe it'll become easier for you to separate from your meeting attendance habit.
The answer is not to be found in a Watchtower organization meeting, but your answers are to be found in yourself. Once you make a "clean break" from the religion there will be less dissonance and more clarity.
Just my honest opinion. Be yourself, nobody can do that as well as you can! (Whereas the WT Society has you sacrifice your "self" on the altar of conformity to the group.)