Questions for hubsters or male significant others...

by Country Girl 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Thunder Rider

  CG,

  First off, men are pigs, we can't help it but we can be trained.

  Nagging will get you nowhere. Trust me on that one. Sheila and I share in the houshold duties, our goal being that of keeping up with things so that housework doesn't get overwhelming. We like to keep things neat, but don't do the OCD thing. Sheila doesn't want me to wear my shoes in the house, I don't like to go barefoot. So she got me a pair of slip on shoes just to wear when I'm home.

  When she wants me to do something that I might not be to enthusiastic about doing, instead of nagging, she does her little pout thing. It melts my heart and usually motivates me to make it so.

  Perhaps if you would explain to your hubby how his co-operation would make your life easier and some of the benefits of having a happy wife, he might make an effort to oblige you your requests. To be honest, ,I think he may have become complacetn and a bit guilty of taking you for granted. Talk to him logicaly, not emotionaly. He will respond better to reason that ranting.

  ==}>>>>>>>>>>>>

  Thunder ( of the whipped but happy class)
• 

  teejay

  First off, a good percentage of men have been raised by doting mothers. IOW, they are little boys in grown up bodies. They are no different than snotty-nosed brats who expect mommy (you) to keep doing what she's always done: cook for them, clean for them, clean up after them. Dote on them.
  
  Secondly, since you are a housewife and your man works like he does (50 hrs/wk), part of your problem may be him trying to exert some control over you. One wonders why a person would stop two steps short of the dirty clothes hamper when the goal was so close. His persistent refusal to put his clothes in the hamper, to take his nasty ass shoes off, to not watch his physical appearance a little better are all passive aggressive methods by which he controls his stay-at-home wife. He figures, "Since she's at home all day, I might as well give her something to do."
  
  I see this two ways. On the one hand, you have a problem so small that you really oughta be ashamed of yourself for bringing it up. Lots of women (people) would love to be in your "predicament." On the other hand, it may be a small problem that's indicative of a larger one. Only you can say which it is.
  
  Obviously it bothers you enough that you'd post about it, so I'd guess that either you're bored or the latter viewpoint might be most accurate. If that's so, you and hubby need to have a heart to heart so you can get at what's REALLY bothering him.
• 

  Special K

  Hey Countrygirl,

  As far as the shoe things, I have a family of 5.. all of whom sometimes feel they don't have to put their sneakers, boots or whatever on the rack.. but leave them for everyone to trip over as you come in the door.

  My solution.. "at the supper table I made an annoucement.. "I was tired of tripping over all the footwear being left at the door and that if they weren't put away..and that each person is responsible to put their footwear away.. not ME! If they chose not to put their footwear away, then they would find them on the front lawn the next time I found them there."

  The next time I found footwear, in front of the door, and not on the rack...Boom! I calmly opened up the door and "biffed" them out onto the front lawn. As family members gradually came and kept saying ,"I can't find my sneakers, did anyone see them?" I said "Have a good look for them first, and if you can't find them.. check the FRONT LAWN."

  Hey, don't knock it.. IT WORKS FOR ME!.

  signed.

  The mother who was tired of falling over the boots.

  Special K
• 

  gambit

  All you girls, not just country girl...

  Assuming it's not an abusive relationship, cuz if it is, get out, with that said here's the way I see it...

  Do the parts that you enjoy and state your opinion... or just like you do with kids state the consequences...
  "If the clothes ain't in the hamper, I'm not washing them (I've done my own wash for the past 15 years, it's not that hard)" Be nice, but be firm.
  Put the shoes 36" in the wrong direction... this is probably outside, then ask him if you could meet 1/2 way on this issue.
  Ask him out ! Pick the place, pick the time, and be there on your own... like a date... but it would make an independent statement. Let me elaborate on that thought -- DONT BECOME DEPENDENT ! Find a goal, a career path, a part-time job, a volunteer program, go to school... step out and have a real reason, for you, independent of him, to spend some time living... Not only will you have a great excuse for not being able to "take care of him" all the time, you will be developing yourself... When your daughter (?) sees you do this, she will follow by example, and hubby will see all this ! You don't need or want to tell him, just lead away !

  Men just love woman to believe that they can't take care of themselves. Why is that? They miss mommy for a really long time, I think... not sure. ** getting beat over the head by younger men **

  As far as the second degree stuff.... It's wrong... I will stress again, start making some changes to be independent... It will scare the bejesus out of him... no threats or foul words required... actions do speak VERY loudly to men.

  good luck... gambit

  ** sitting all alone, since all the woman I know are too d*mned independent , and all the men I know shun me... cant figure out why **
• 

  Yerusalyim

  Country Girl,

  I once read some advice somewhere that said if living with the pet peeve isn't as bad as living without the person...suck it up. Remind him in a loving voice and reward him greatly when he complies, and don't nag (which is different than reminding).

  I suspect that should you out live the man you love, you'll come to miss seeing his shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor, or his boxers right next to the hamper (or in the middle of the room), and the chicken shit tracks won't seem as bad then as they do now.

  Here's hoping he's more considerate of the woman that runs his house...good luck to you both.

  Yeru
• 

  cruzanheart

  In the Duty Division part of our household, Big Tex does the bulk of the housework, which is a good thing because he is a helluva lot neater than I am. I tend to live with stacks of stuff awaiting my attention, and the kids take after me, alas. His solution is simple: anything left out of place will stay there for about 24 hours. After that, if it is not put away, it is thrown out. Period. He does make certain exceptions and will, since he is a kindly gent, mention said item before the alotted time period is up, thereby giving us no room for complaint if it gets trashed the next day.

  We have also, for my defense, established my closet as Off Limits to the 24-hour rule, with the result that sometimes no one can actually walk into my walk-in closet, but I get the luxury of cleaning it up when I feel like it and it doesn't appear to bother anyone.

  Just my two cents' worth!

  Nina
• 

  Elsewhere

  Cloths not in the hamper? Hide them... he will start to miss them.

  Shoes not at the door? Hide them... he will start to miss them.

  He tells you that you are chunkey? Tell him to leave the spare tire in the garage.

  Him: Honey... have you seen my pants?
  You: Have you checked the hamper?
  Him: No (Goes and looks) They're not there.
  You: Did you put them in the hamper?
  Him: No.
  You: Well, maybe that's why they're not in the hamper.
• 

  ashitaka

  This stuff isn't a big deal.

  My wife hates doing dishes and vaccuming. No big deal to me. So I get that duty.

  I hate cleaning the bathroom or mopping (bad back). She does that.

  As for finances, I make do with little(I grew up poor). My wife thinks that having the proper clothes for me is important. I'll walk around with holes in my pants rather than buy new ones. So, every now and again, she'll buys something new for me. It all works out in the end.

  My wife and I both work fill-time jobs, so we're both really tired at the end of the day. We just do what we can when we can. It's tough out there.

  We both have our assigned little chores, and now and again we'll blow them off. Just be cool about it. I liked what Yeru quoted. That's about where I am.

  Pet peeves are no big deal. If he works very hard at his job, then cut him some slack and pick up what he's too tired to do. Remind now and then, and say please...it works wonders with me.

  ash
• 

  Country Girl

  Thank ya'll so much for the different viewpoints and opinions on a problem that appears to bother lots of people! They're very welcomed and appreciated. I've done the heart to heart thing with him, and he's good for a few weeks, and then just forgets. I do go to school part time, too, so it's not like I just hang out all day waiting for his shoes to drop on the floor, or the clothes to be scattered everywhere. He's a good soul, and I thought maybe I might be making too much out of nothing. Perhaps I was. However, it just gets to you after awhile about why this person that you adore doesn't want to do a few extra actions to make your life a little easier. His work is so mental, and mine is so physical, and I just need some extra help sometimes is all. Anyway, thank you so much for all the suggestions and advice. I'm going to think more carefully on all this and see if there isn't some creative things I can do to make it a little easier without "nagging." Hugs.

  CG
• 

  Ravyn

  way back when..... I was "Alice" for a "Brady Bunch" family of 5 girls. Everyone knew where their things belonged. At the end of the day I went into each room and picked up all the things left in the room that did not belong there or was not in the proper place and I put it in a large trash bag. I put the trash bag in the pantry. If someone wanted to know what happened to whatever--I said go look in the trash bag. They had one week and I threw the trash bag out. (Everything went into the trash bag--so if someone left real trash where it did not belong it went right in with the socks and shoes and school books and dolls, and it didnot matter to me if anything got soiled or ruined--it should not have been there or it wuld not be in the trash bag.)

  I have yet to do this with my loveable slob. A big part of our problem is that we have moved 8 times in 6 years and we don't have the proper furniture to put things away, so we have piles of stuff in each room. And I know that even if we did have a big house and furniture to put evrything away---there would still be piles of shoes in front of the door and balled up socks stuffed in between couch cushions. The one thing that drives me crazy--besides the dishes stacked, not scraped,and with utensils and napkins stuck in between, not 6 inches from the sink or dishwasher...is the trash that gets laid on top of the counter ABOVE the trash can! And when I freak out and make him watch as I take a swipe and push it into the garbage pail I get the 'so? what is so hard about YOU doing that--I don't see that I am making more work for you! It didn't take you 2 seconds to brush it into the trash!' Yeah but why should I if you could have done it yourself?????? UGGGGGGGGG.

  I had to banish his shoes from being anywhere near mine. His shoes are horney. Everytime I look his shoes are on top of mine. Literally on top of them! Maybe throwing sneakers in a box by the door is ok...but work boots on velvet pumps?

  Now we have separate bathrooms, but his bathroom is the main one and it means before we have company over I have to get in there with the sledgehammer and bleach.

  I stopped folding his laundry because it ends up on the floor in wads anyway, even when he had a dresser to put it in. So now he wears his clothes wrinkled unless he folds them himself---which he does most of the time and in fact even folds mine now which is nice.

  And he does not take hints...I have to come right out and say it. If I ask nice i get, sure ok,no problem...for about 3 weeks-of doing nothing but agreeing to do something. If I ask a little stronger I get the job done with cursing and muttering and slamming and noise and broken dishes....If I have to actually get rough...then of course I am a nag or he calls me 'mom' and throws a tantrum.

  what can you do? always the Maiden, Mother and Crone...and when it comes to marriage--all of them at once!

  Ravyn