Coping/Living/Understanding

by justangel 17 Replies latest jw experiences

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  justangel

  I’m relatively new to this forum but am far from new when it comes to living life as a JW. I wanted to throw out there my own personal experience and feelings and welcome any conversations (I’m mighty chatty and don’t have much for friends when it comes to JW’s)

  I hit the turning of an era nearly a month ago of legally becoming an adult, raised as a j dub my whole life. glamorous I know. Being raised a witness you never actually have the liberty or choice of your own beliefs, likes/dislikes, friends, or activities. Most of which is monitored and, in whole, controlled by your parents/family members, elders, and those in the congregation who are watching, (always watching), waiting for you to take a misstep to correct your error. And any differing belief you have is instantly questioned and put under a microscope to search for apostasy or outside source.

  The people are nice enough depending on which hall you’re dragged into or visit, but you can take their friendliness at face value knowing that so much more lies beneath when it comes to a judge of character.

  I missed out on my whole public schooling life, no football games or after school activities, proms were forbidden to even mention, and friendships outside of the hall were highly discouraged. Which, now, is rearing its ugly face when it comes to my social life. So at the time, thinking it was the right thing to pursue, I pioneered a year after graduating. Well, after that horrible experience I now know how the doormats feel at every door they visit. The other pioneers were nothing but horrible to me and talked down to me as if I weren’t good enough - much like how the whole religion acts.

  ANYWHO. Now being an adult I search for freedom! And happiness! And just wanting to be me!! (I can’t even be myself around my own family because it’d be “worldly actions”) I know the journey will be long and hard and ultimately devastating to the rest of my family. But being raised under such strict, limiting, and depreciating guidelines I feel worn out and scared to even be around my own family because of their affiliations and beliefs. It’s truthfully a cult - 10/10 would not recommend. It’s worn on me emotionally, mentally, and physically, any coping mechanisms until I can escape somehow??
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  Vanderhoven7

  Hi Justangel

  Hope you have been welcomed to the forum on another thread. If not, welcome.

  You clearly understand what it means to be living in a cult and coping.

  You also are a caring person. You are concerned about your family and their reaction if and when they discover your true feelings. Hope you are covering your tracks well while visiting forums like this one.

  Are you baptized? Is there a chance for you to further your education while still at home?
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  Still Totally ADD

  I totally understand where you coming from. Under the borg rule you learned self discipline in their thinking. Learn how you can take that discipline and use it to your advantage when seeking your freedom and becoming your authentic self. This will help you from falling into bad situations that come as a result of being raised in a cult. There is so much good outside the cult but there is also bad. So be careful. It's up to you with this responsibility and no one else's. Good luck to you and remember any problems or questions you have found a place to come and safely get advice or comfort. Take care and welcome. Still Totally ADD
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  justangel

  I am baptized, at the beginning everything was going alright but I suppose as the years ebbed on things just started to erk me. The way people nod and agree with public speakers or commenters, how it’s all based off one high and mighty source of power with us as servants giving constant praise (pretty cultish to me). It’s like they’ve all been brainwashed and I’m the only one seeing through all the nonsense.

  I have the ability to further my education while still living at home but it’s kind of tricky with this pandemic and no schools being open. I just want to pursue a community college to get trained in a field for working. So with no schooling right away it leaves me trapped even longer in the clutches of my controlling / manipulative setting at home under JW headship. I just want to pull the plug on it but have to kind of play it by ear (A lot is happening)

  I told only my mom about my standpoint / views of the witnesses very vaguely. She said she understands but then it comes down to the merry go round of questions. “Where did this come from all of a sudden? Is it because we got in contact with worldly family? Are you talking to worldly people? I really think these are just negative feelings from negative experiences in our hall” SO, needless to say that it’s going to be a rootin tootin pain in the ass getting out. My family is looking to relocate, which means a new hall. Mom thinks that will drastically help me when I clearly told her it’s not the people but the teachings and my differing beliefs. So she told me to just “wait and go into this new hall with an open mind and don’t throw everything away because of a few negative feelings” yeah ok mom.

  Sorry I’m giving you like my whole life story. I’m trying to figure out my next steps, how to have a solid escape plan, and how to cope in the meantime. So it’s kinda hard to do on the forum haha
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  Half banana

  Hello Justangel and welcome to the site!

  Just about everything the Watchtower says is exactly wrong, DO the opposite!

  Yes the one big thing the JW org doesn't want is that you should think for yourself. So therefore: think for yourself.

  The result of being a JW is to become a docile unquestioning sheep, such individuals are easier to control. Therefore : question everything and follow knowledge not beliefs.

  The GB want you to rely on them for guidance, if things go wrong it can be blamed on a fictional Satan. Trust instead on your own cultivated judgements and be responsible for your own mistakes.

  The JW org does not want you to get a good education, the leaders are not well educated themselves and hate being asked questions they cannot answer. Therefore whatever you do, aim to get a very good education.

  These measures will give you self confidence, a critical thinking ability, a realistic view of life and a career which will support you and a family if you want one.

  Remaining a JW will probably keep you one remove from poverty and held committed to an ignorant religious cult... what a terrible prospect! So while you are planning your escape you can bear these things in mind and look forward to developing your own identity as an ex-JW and responsible adult.

  Perhaps start studying now a subject you really enjoy which could be studied at college level?
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  Giordano

  Welcome Friend ......Justangel.

  Everyone here....... at least 90%, have become ex JW's or POMO's (Phyicically Out Mentally Out) others are PIMO's (Physicaly In but Mentally Out).

  We also use short hand for The Truth About The Truth. TTATT

  I'll share my journey with you for what its worth.

  Baptized at 16 like every other JW teen I knew. At 18 I decided to serve as a pioneer where the need was great. It turned out to be the best decision I ever made. That's where I met my wife to be. She looked to be 17, fully grown, but she was actually 15 1/2.

  Well she was my significant other and so we dated or rather 'courted'. This is the early 1960's I think we went through a box of chap sticks over the next two years until we both felt ready to marry. Kissing was just about the only intimacy that was appropriate.

  She didn't have a house phone....... nor did I....... we arranged our dating through the mail.

  I was pretty involved in the JW world and my congregation. Mostly I was used as a public speaker in the circuit and had three Elder level positions (we didn't have Elders in those days).

  I will not go into that history since it no longer matters..when you leave you leave......for good.

  All relationships were conditional that you were a believing JW.

  I had three issues that were really difficult to hold on to. The ban on blood was already killing off a few of my and her family members.

  Armageddon........... which was totally made up nonsense. Billions were to die so I and our fellow JW's could move into their homes (only the best homes of course).The little children would die because their parents were not interested in reading and accepting our WT books and magazines.

  And that we had the only truth. Other religions cared for their members...... fed the hungry, clothed those that needed help etc. The JW's were not interested in the needs of the poor and ignorant.

  I guess I knew it wasn't the truth but it took time to unwind their religious nonsense and realize they didn't have the 'Truth' and that no religion had the truth cause it was all made up. It took a couple of years to think it through today with the information provided by jwfacts.com it would take two days.

  I sat with my wife and told her I had come to the conclusion that the JW religion was not the truth. I was nervous and quickly told her she could continue with the religion. There was a long pause and then she grinned and said two things to me;
  

  "I've never believed the JW religion was for real".

  And the second thing she told me: "Close your mouth!"

  We stopped pioneering and left the religion with one C minus high school diploma between us. Vietnam hovering in the background. No real job skills and only a few ex JW friends.

  It took us about five years to get retrained, establish our boundaries and start a new life.

  In all .........leaving......... was the best decision we ever made.

  When I was in my forties I needed open heart surgery, there was a problem and I was given five liters of blood. That was 35 years ago. I got to live a life worth living with the finest person I've ever known.
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  BlackPuddingEater

  From my heart I wish you every moment of piece your psyche can get.

  I've been there, my choice was to cut and run. Leaving home at a young age without family support is hard. I suffered in my early life for it both financially and emotionally. Living in low rent accommodation, limited mobility, limited social contacts, limited access to education, limited prospects. That alone is bad and what many have to face but at a young age a personality is very fragile and JW upbringing is not meant to prepare you for life in the big wide worldly.

  That's the scary. The pay off is freedom. I don't regret doing what at the time I had to do with the resources I had. I recognise that good fortune and finding good friends played a part and things could of gone very wrong for me if I hadn't found ways to cope. Thankfully today there is the internet and that not only gives you access to self learning for a career or otherwise but to places like this so you don't have to face things alone, listen to and evaluate advice but don't take anything as an instruction. Have a plan you are happy with and be prepared, check it with people who's opinion you trust. The path you have ahead is neither easy or quick but it is a rewarding one.
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  DesirousOfChange

  Welcome to our group of misfits! (just being snarky) It's the greatest group of people you may ever meet.

  Your posts sound a bit negative which is not surprising due to the situation with which you are dealing. However, let me give you a couple "positive" points about it.

  1) You are YOUNG. Real young. (You probably don't like that since you even comment you are now an "adult".) But what I mean is that most of us here were not fortunate enough to awaken to TTATT until we were 40 or 50 or 60 and the best years or even the most years of our lives were behind us and had been wasted chasing a false promise. You, on the other hand, have decades ahead of you so there is less urgency for you to make any quick impulsive changes that you may later regret.
  

  2) It's obvious your parents love you. Some moms would have already "ratted out" their child for those horrible "apostate leaning" comments. Of course, they would have thought they were trying to "snatch them out of the fire" and save them from destruction. Instead, your mother seems to be very tolerant. Most likely she is hoping and praying you will "grow out of" this phase. But, it seems obvious that your mom is very much on your side.

  3) Living at home is cheap. You cannot begin to understand the expense there is of setting up your own housekeeping. I can't hardly fathom how young persons do that today. Living at home is a great advantage! This is especially true if your parents will support you in going to college or trade school (vs demanding you full time pioneer). You need to prepare yourself for the future. You will need a good career or trade that will care for your needs once you move out on your own. In the meantime, you may just have to "fake" the good JW thing. Even if that takes a couple years (trade school or community college) or even 4 years (a BA or BS), you will only be in your early 20's but in a significantly better position to move ahead in your life.

  In the meantime, don't make the JW things you know are bullshit an "issue" in your household. Avoid arguments and "blowouts" over JW doctrine and policy. It's much more strategic to simply "question" the crazy ass shit. IF YOU MUST, just ask "sincere" questions about [the issue at hand]. Also, don't ever make or espouse a huge list of JW issues all at one time. If you question something, stick to the subject. Ask "sincere" questions and STFU and force them to research for a legitimate answer. (Wait on Jehovah, is NOT a legitimate answer.)

  Good luck! Check in here often. We really admire what you have accomplished so far just by awakening at your time of life. We are willing to offer suggestions and support. AND, we are truly interested in how things work out for you!

  Doc
  
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  justangel

  So a question to everyone who has more experience with this than me. A lot of people on here have been telling me to use theocratic knowledge to my advantage or to ask “sincere” questions against them to kinda play a turn table card almost. Could someone give me a few examples of that by chance?

  And I guess another question. I struggle with anxiety already but haven’t ever gone in to get officially diagnosed. With my family moving (houses and congregations) my mom wants me to, like I stated previously, go into this hall open mindedly and try to be my “old self” like happy little pioneer me reaching out in the congregation. Do I just play this like being totally fake to everyone? Or just be nice and cordial? When these new people invite me to do things to “get to know me” what do I do?
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  DesirousOfChange

  A couple real examples:

  If a brother who is an MS/Elder is found out to be an adulterer, molester, embezzler, etc you this strategy. We had an elder who had been carrying on an affair for EIGHT years before his wife discovered it. In that time period he was promoted from MS to Elder and received many important assembly/convention parts. HOW DID THE HOLY SPIRIT NOT KNOW THIS WAS GOING ON? One can see how he can deceive his wife, fellow elders, even the CO (who makes these appointments), BUT CAN YOU DECEIVE THE HOLY SPIRIT? Or, is this evidence that the Holy Spirit is NOT really behind these decisions?

  If someone is shunning their inactive family members (as this is happening a lot lately): Where do they get authority to take this position? The Cong/Borg (as guided by Holy Spirit) has not seen to DF this person. DF is what requires shunning. Under the Law in Israel, if a person went beyond the Spirit Directed punishment, that person was condemned. For example, if a man was a thief and stole the bull of a fellow Israelite and the owner of the animal KILLED the thief, what would happen? The owner would be put to death because he went beyond the words of the Law (which was given by God's Holy Spirit). So who gives any JW authority to exercise a punishment against a fellow JW that HAS NOT been deemed appropriate by Jehovah's Organization?

  Blood fractions is an easily argued subject. Tell your doctor you will now accept transfusions of "blood fractions". The medical community does not have a concept of "fractions" beyond plasma, red cells, white cells, platelets (the separate components you get when blood is centrifuged). Where in the Bible does it say it is OK to accept ANY part of human blood? Are these Pharisaic man-made rules (such as those condemned by Jesus)? What about all the JW's that died the year before the GB determined they could have accepted "fractions of blood" and been saved? Is this really how the Holy Spirit works?

  Once you are at school or on a secular job, you can say a fellow worker or student asked you questions that you need to know how to defend. Always pass the doubt off to someone else when you can.

  Good luck