Not long ago, there was a funeral for a sister I haven’t know very much, so I did not attend. However, some old “friends” I know drove down to town to assist and I ended up spending some time with them. Quite honestly, I was happy to see them again. We shared some good times together over the years and I was excited to catch up and find out how they were doing and what was happening in their lives. Yes, I know, since I’ve been inactive for a long time, we are, against our own will, natural enemies. Still, as I try my best not to live my life based on watchtower’s teachings, I decided to ignore this unfortunate fact and tried to spend good, quality time with my friends. I mean, we had so much fun before, why would things change, right?
So, we met, shook hands, hugged and started to talk about small things and what happened to us through the years. As the evening went on and alcohol helped in softening the edges, we talked about matters that were closer to our hearts, you know, personal feelings and stuff.
Being the only “inactive” in the group, my presence didn’t seem to matter, it was just like in the good old days. I was part of the group, we were friends and nothing changed! Obviously, there were plenty of things I could not say and was measuring my words, but surely that was due to me being inactive. And then I became rather passive in the overall conversation and listened silently to others sharing their tales and thoughts. It was then that I had this revelation, this fresh new look on my old comrades: They were not themselves! None of them truly were! During the discussion, you could tell when someone wanted to go into a subject and stopped. When someone through of a story to share and stopped. When a topic clearly lead everyone to think about an unresolved matter, and yet, no one said a word. I was not the only one struggling to measure my words, everyone were!
It was fear. Fear that, by discussing these things, the “magic” moment would go away. Sure, they have known each other for 30+ years and yet, none of them could talk openly in front of everyone. This fear was inadvertently impending on the rhythm of the exchanges, making the participants swim against the current and that, dear reader, is absolutely exhausting!
Of course, I am no fool, I know that this type of social behaviour is not limited to Jehovah’s Witnesses. In fact, you can probably have the exact same feeling when you go out to lunch with work colleagues. And this is also precisely one of the reasons, when you come back from work, you are exhausted. But this wasn’t work. They were supposed to be surrounded by real friends, people that cared about them and loved them. And yet, an overwhelming feeling of fear was palpable in the room.
Since I have left the JWs, I meet with new friends where such a feeling is not so crushing. Of course there are always things you may think of and keep for yourselves. However, when it comes to true friends, you shouldn’t have to measure and analyse every thoughts you have. You are supposed to be able to say crazy and even offending things to your friends. Why? Because real friends will always forgive, forget and focus on what they always loved about you in the first place, whatever that is. Not so with the witnesses. Say one wrong thing and it could be disaster.
By the end of that evening (and following breakfast), I was extenuated, inexplicably tired, unable to focus on anything. I had ran a mental marathon. I wasn’t sleepy, I was just unable to use my head anymore… it had overheated. So I took the day off. I couldn’t work even if I tried. So instead, I enjoyed the day with my wife. Still, while shopping and at the restaurant, I couldn’t help but reflect on the fact that in the end, I was also experiencing hurt and pain from this encounter; I was grieving! Grieving that these people are actually causing me more despair than anything else in my life right now. What even hurts even more is the fact that they truly believe that they are my friends. But their friendship is toxic; they are not themselves and don’t allow me to fully be myself in their presence. Perhaps a better expression would be: “They’re a bunch of phonies”. And dam: being around phonies is exhausting!