How does one cope with the sudden and unexpected loss of a parent?

by My Name is of No Consequence 24 Replies latest jw experiences

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  My Name is of No Consequence

  My dad died of a blood clot as a result of surgery late last year. To say that his death created a bottomless void in our family is an understatement. I think about him every day, sometimes constantly. He was a faithful dub, but he would do anything for anybody. In fact, a few days before his surgery, he asked a relative to drop her car off so he could work on it. This was a man who never thought about himself and always thought about everyone else. He was the patriarch, the go-to guy in our large family, a great man.

  This past weekend, we moved some items out of the house that he and my mom shared for over 40 years, the house that I grew up in. We are going to sell it later this year and my mom is going to move. Everything in that house reminds me of him and it was tough to see the house virtually empty.

  My dad was only in his early 70s and got this surgery to extend his life, not contribute to cutting it short. According to our family attorney, no malpractice was done. It was just one of those things.

  I have not gotten over it and do not know that I will. I do not believe in “dubism” anymore. His unexpected death confirmed for me that if (and I do mean if) there is a higher power, he/she/it simply does not care about us.

  Knowing this, how does one cope with the sudden and unexpected loss of a parent or loved one?
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  mentalclarity

  I'm very sorry for your loss.

  After a couple years of suffering a loss I found a book that helped me a lot. I don't know if it's for everyone, but it helped me get some perspective - https://www.amazon.com/Awakening-Grief-Finding-Way-Back/dp/1930722184 There are some really good suggestions for coping with grief.

  Grief support groups are good too- or just any space where you feel comfortable crying/ranting or anything you need to do to process all the emotions. People just sitting with me while I feel everything has helped me too.

  I also have accepted you don't ever "get over it". You just kind of absorb the sadness and it lives inside of you with the other gamut of emotions. It just doesn't always override them - if that makes sense.
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  JW GoneBad

  Knowing this, how does one cope with the sudden and unexpected loss of a parent or loved one?

  I've always heard that talking to someone about loosing someone in death helps in coping...as opposed to holding it in. There are many on this forum who are very sympathetic and all heart! You're on the right track and sorry for your loss.
  
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  My Name is of No Consequence

  Thank you for the advice mentalclarity and JW GoneBad.
  
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  Closer to Fine

  I'm so very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is extremely difficult. You really do have to fight to get through each day, sometimes each hour when your grief is overwhelming. I can empathize with you a bit since my situation has some similarities. I've lost 4 members of my family in the past 4 years including both of my parents. We have, like you our childhood home and we need to find the courage to begin the process of letting go of it. My dad built it with his dad 60 years ago and raised our family there. 60 years worth of stuff, full of memories and we have to decide to keep or discard these things. The task is daunting. I admire your courage for starting that very difficult task.

  I think group therapy and/or one on one therapy is very beneficial too. I wasn't able to talk to anyone about my grief so I searched online for help instead. I found a website run by grief therapists called what's your grief dot com. Loads of helpful information on that site as well as lots of podcasts. I was able to listen to the therapy podcasts while at work and they helped me tremendously. I listened everyday for weeks and learned so much about coping with grief. You may want to look at that website to see if it can help you too. Hey free therapy is always a good thing isn't it?

  Sounds like your Dad was a really wonderful man. I'm sure he will be missed terribly by all of those that loved him. Take good care of yourself. I don't believe it ever goes away completely, but with time it will become a bit easier to cope with your grief.
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  jp1692

  I am sorry for your loss.

  I don't think you ever really do "get over it," but in time the pain lessens.

  Grieving is a process.
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  dogon

  A sudden loss is very hard. I lost my mother when she was 57 and it was unexpected. The shock was difficult. Time will not so much take away the pain but it will mute it. The roller-coaster of emotion is also hard to deal with. One second you will tell yourself its OK the next you want to curl up on the floor. Every one deals with the loss in different ways. I can remember the day my mother passed I was telling my wife to go pick up a check for work I had done and get tires on my work van, calling to get a water heater replaced ect. I got some looks from family like I did not care. My mind would not let me deal with situation. It had to sink in and it took several days just to get the idea she was gone in my mind. Now when I see someone acting a bit funny after losing someone I am not so quick to judge.
  
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  LoisLane looking for Superman

  I am so sorry for your loss. To have someone you love die, is the most horrible feeling. And then to go suddenly, when it had been expected that he was going to be getting better, it is so hard to accept.

  Once you get past the grieving, and accept that he is truly gone, I hope, in time, you will enjoy each day of remembering what a great father you had. To allow his love to be all embracing for you. That in time, his memory will give you a serge of joy and happiness... that you were truly loved by a wonderful man. Wouldn't that have made him happy? That his love for you made you a better, stronger person? Are you able to show that kind of wonderful personality your dad had to others? To be as loving and thoughtful as him? A little bit? If so, then it would be as if he were still by your side, helping you, help others.

  So sorry what you and your mom have gone through and are going through still. It is so painful having to get rid of possessions that hold so many happy memories. Do you absolutely need to sell the house?

  Hugs from a concerned internet friend.
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  My Name is of No Consequence

  Thanks everybody. Even though he died 9 months ago, the events of that day are still fresh in my mind. I find myself playing the same sequence of events in my head, from the time I got the call from my sister to the time I walked into the hospital room and saw his lifeless body. It’s almost like a tape recorder on a continuous loop.
  
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  just fine

  I am so sorry for your loss. I think each of us grieves differently and I do think therapy is helpful.

  For me changing my perspective helped some. What would my deceased loved one want for me? He would have wanted me to live my life, he would not have wanted me to be unbearably sad. I also found ways to honor him, and sometimes when having a particularly good time I still say "xxxx would have loved this."

  Mostly just be kind to yourself, this is never easy. Hugs ❤️