District Convention Progam EXJW style

LovesDubs

What we would LIKE to see on the program hehehehe

1. Musical Interlude (Led Zepplin, Kiss, and selections from Britney Spears for the youf and Barry Manilows Greatest Hits)
2. Kingdoom Melodies Selection (Stand up adjust your shorts for the long haul, brothers...we hope you remembered the Preparation H)
2. Welcome Brothers! (If you were still stuck in Friday morning rush hour traffic and missed this part...go listen to last years tape. All we did was change the date and give some other fool his 15 minutes of fame.)
3. Sex In This Time of the End. (Or...Sex This Time in the END) A symposium. (We wanted to start you out with a bang. Thank us later.)
3.5 Counting Heads. (Please SIT DOWN so the brothers can count you like so many cattle in a pen. Dont make us yell at you like last year. You know how long it took us to find 45 brothers who could COUNT that high?? )
4. Ezekiel - His Wheel within a Wheel Vision Explained (This time we are getting a brother who is not on crack to explain this...sorry about that late 80s fiasco. We are doing this on Friday because we know most of you will sleep through it anyway.)
4.5 Kingdoom Melodies Selection (something catchy like "Make Da Troof Your Bone")
4.75 Prayer before The Noon Meal. (We have selected the brother who is most likely go on and on and on and on...while you salivate and your kids dance the pee pee dance.)
5. LUNCH (Those of you who forgot you have to provide your own FOOD now, you idiots, can pick up free coupons for Hooters at the literature counter. The back room there is reserved for the Elders Meeting so stay the hell out.)
5.5 Afternoon Musical Interludeski (Perry Como, Elton John and the Bethel Choir)
5.75 More Kingdoooom Melodies Hits ("We're Jehooovers Witlesses..." We have a list of those nonElders who went to Hooters, and you WILL be contacted for all future substitutions on the Theo. Ministry School. We also have your fingerprints on those coupons.)
6. Pioneering Enriches Your Life! (and field service is a major source of aerobic exercise, and donuts contain vital life sustaining fiber.)
7. Giving of Your First Fruits! (See those boxes every 20 feet? They contain hidden cameras...you pass em by..you will be in a committee meeting before your shadow catches up with your cheap ass.)
8. Experiences From Our Brothers In Japan! (We need to lie to you a lot more about the success of the work there cuz there has been too much bad press lately. Free Pokemon cards, finger traps, fake glasses with slanty eyes and buck teeth, Tamagachi's and fans will be passed out with our website on them.)
9. Closing Argu...er...Comments (Every seat in this hall has electronically monitored your butt prints. If you are not back in them tomorrow, a picture of your butt will be projected on our giant Soni Megatron screen the entire rest of the day.)
10. Closing Beseechments for People To Come Back Tomorrow (Dont you DARE sneak out early, if I gotta stay to the end so do all of you losers!)

(the script for Sunday's Drama "Rahab Does Brooklyn" to follow)

RunningMan

Our district assemblies were always held in either a hocky area or
football stadium. As a kid, I always used to daydream that there
was a game going on. I could follow the action up and down the ice,
and it would look like I was paying attention.

I really wish a game would actually break out one of these years.

LDH

Loves I am in tears.

XJWBill

ROTFLMAO!!!

But sister, you forgot these very important presentations:

1. Are You a Secret Self-Abuser? A one-hour talk by an old codger with a shrill voice who hasn't had an orgasm since 1958, explaining how those pecker tracks on your sheets can and MOST DEFINITELY will lead to spiritual weakness, blindness, insanity, hairy palms, syphillis, scrofula, leprosy, tonsilitis, homosexuality, psoriasis, elephantiasis, bestiality, schizophrenia, kleptomania, athlete's foot, leukemia, chronic boogers, anal sex, oral sex, baldness, three-way sex, hangnails, group sex, hallucinations, missing meetings, rebellious spirit, pigeon toes, heart disease, chocolate cravings, alcholism, drug addiction, sterility, PMS, priapism, nymphomania, pornographic fantasies, nudism, communism, capitalism, materialism, atheism, Catholicism, Judaism, Hinduism, voodooism, jizmism, and incurable acne. Not that Jehovah will strike you dead at Armageddon if you do unnaturally manipulate the gift of your genitals--He will merely let you rot away very slowly with a loathsome disease while the vultures pick out your eyeballs and all your loving but spirit-directed friends stand around saying, "EEEEEUUUUUUWWWWWW!"

2. Keeping Jehovah's Organization Clean and Free from the IRS. A five-minute, in-depth analysis of the Society's finances by a BROTHER FROM BROOKLYN (at whose name every head should bow), along with a stern warning to stay humble and not poke your damn nose into their business, since they are spiritual Israel, spiritual Levites, spiritual Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Joshua, Elijah, Elisha, Ezekiel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Daniel, Micah, Nahum, Amos, Andy, Popeye, Malachi, Habakkuk, and Shuttahellup. Delivered while the Theocratic Orchestra plays during lunch break.

3. Your Kingdom Come--When? An interminable review of Biblical chronology year by year from 4026 B.C.E. onward, along with a slide show of startling archeological discoveries in Jerusalem, demonstrating conclusively that a broken sewer main from 753 B.C.E. corresponds precisely with Judge Rutherford's assumption of the Watchtower presidency in 1919 C.E., as foretold and confirmed in minute detail by the prophet Obiwankenobi and this photograph of an ancient Israelite spittoon. Thus armed and blessed with Jehovah's foreknowledge, delivered by his faithful and discreet slavedrivers, let's all get out there and really SELL THOSE PAPERS (IRS, take note: it's just a saying. We don't really mean "sell" sell....)

4. (For congregation elders only) A special meeting with the District Overseer at 5 a.m. Saturday morning. Topics will include: Money-lending, Sheep-smiting, Double-talk, Newspeak, Thoughtcrime, Character Assassination, Home Spying, Intermediate Intimidation, and Theocratic Kowtowing. Bring your own binoculars to practice with because the Society can't possibly afford to pay for everyone's, you know!

Bill

"If we all loved one another as much as we say we love God, I reckon there wouldn't be as much meanness in the world as there is."--from the movie Resurrection (1979)

MacHislopp

Hello everyone,

interesting post! My choice of program

is taken from Bill's post...from n° 2 to n° 4 included!

Agape, J.C.MacHislopp

Prisca

LovesDubs and XJWBill, these are great! Excellent, even.

outnfree

I'm grinnin' from ear to ear, LovesDubs!

XJWBill -- I think I'm gonna like you! Welcome!

outnfree

XJWBill

The Governing Body has just announced more featured talks for the upcoming District Assemblies:

For sisters: Joyfully Submitting to Headship. A spontaneous platform conversation between two theocratic women on the spiritual fulfillment of wifely obedience to the schleps they married. Includes a practical demonstration of how to make the most of Kingdom Hall gossip while still appearing silent and meek. Will not cover headship with unbelieving mates or other unnatural sex acts because no decent sister would ever dream of such a thing.

For teenagers: Joyfully Run the Race That Is Set Before You. An encouraging, uplifting talk on the rewards of the full-time Pioneer service. Why waste your precious youth in college developing skills that will have no place in the New System, such as intelligence, logic, personality, or empathy? Instead, be whole-souled for the vitally important work of annoying people on their doorsteps and dragging more suckers into our clean, happy, spirit-directed fantasy island. If anyone tempts you with thoughts of marriage, home, family, children, career, or other selfish worldly pursuits--Just Say No!

For the children: Patiently Enduring Jehovah's Discipline. A 45-minute explication of the charming Bible story of Balaam and his ass. If his ass could take a beating and like it, so can yours. And quit that squirming!

Bill

Farkel

Bill,

Your stuff is good! Really good!

Farkel

XJWBill

Thanks guys, but all credit is due to LoveDubs, whose initial posting touched a sarcastic chord I didn't know I had!

Bill, who was dorky enough to actually enjoy all those long, long talks

P.S.--I will pay $$$ to anyone who can get me a pirated tape of "Rahab Does Brooklyn"

"If we all loved one another as much as we say we love God, I reckon there wouldn't be as much meanness in the world as there is."--from the movie Resurrection (1979)

District Convention Progam EXJW style

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