My wife’s and I meeting with two elders. Their true colors shine through…

by Winston Smith :>D 97 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Panda
    Panda

    Winston, This situation hits right home to me. My husband was my support as I began seeing a psychiatrist. He was so loving to me and even though I was the one asking about the date discrepencies while he was an elder he always supported me. Psychotherapy changed my life. My guy insisted and so I got help. That reassuring push to get help actually didn't feel pushy, I knew his plea came from pure love.

    Medication helps tremndously. Did you know that men like Mike Wallace take Zoloft everyday? Also William Styron (author of Sophies Choice) wrote a book about Darkness Visible or maybe it was Maddness Visible (I know thats not the right title but I think your local library would have a copy.) Anyway when I read his words I cried for hours. My depression was so much like this person I was amazed. I too spent days sleeping, but also weeks with little sleep. I wanted my life to end... then it began.

    My husband , like you went through a lot to support me, mostly I always knew he loved me and truly wanted to help me get better. He stood up to non-JW family members as well!

    Oh another good book is titled The Noonday Demon, not as poetic as the Styron book but very informative.

    I wish your wife could read all of those posting to your message. She would see the love and support you are getting from complete strangers.

    "Our day will come old friend, just not today."

  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D

    Next time you talk to the Plumber and his buddy who like to put burdens on suicidal people, make sure you bring a recorder.

    Elsewhere

    That’s a great reminder. I’m going to buy one today!

    Let her know that I know what it is like to sleep like that... it's the only thing that makes the hurt go away. So long as you are asleep, it is like you are dead... you don't feel. That is why suicide is so tempting... it's the sleep you don't have to worry about waking up from.

    Elsewhere

    While I can’t say this yet to her, I appreciate your insight. She has said similar words. Doesn’t want to go to bed at night because that means tomorrow is coming as soon as she wakes up. Doesn’t want to get out of bed because she just wants to sleep and not face the day. What’s the point, she asks. That really scared me.

    they're going to be gunning for you now…. you can tell them firmly to LEAVE YOU ALONE, until after your wife's mental health has been restored

    pettygrudger

    That’s a good idea. If I tell them to back off until she is better mentally, hopefully that can buy us some time. Having the tape recorder there when I ask this while reminding them of their possible accountability will hopefully get them to back off.

    my daughter did comit suicide after the elders threatened to df her… After my daughters death I also got the do more speech…

    Sabine

    Sabine, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose my wife, let alone a child that grew in my belly. I’m glad to see that you are here posting and hope that you are recovering successfully from this ordeal also.

    there is a great sucide prevention organization in all major cities.

    Sabine

    I am in contact with one and have called a few doctors that the group leader recommended. Thank you

    Your wife needs support … RIGHT NOW. I know b/c I have been there… Get your wife on a message board and let her vent out all that's inside her

    shamus

    that sounds like a good idea, but she hates computers and we don’t have an internet connection readily available to her. I use mine at work. But maybe in the future we can arrange otherwise. But getting her help is the main thing I’m focused on right now.

    share scriptures with your wife such as John 6:28,29 dealing with the

    WORK of a Christian is BELIEVING, and loving one's neighbor, not filling out a field service report.

    Pray for Holy Spirit to guide you.

    1-800-WHY-1914

    NoMoreMeetings

    That is a good scripture! Have been praying for guidance from Jesus to have the HS guide me. During the elder meeting while they were doing their prayer, I was doing one of my own for HS and guidance from Jesus. Since I never verbalized my anger and the elders did [what about the fruits of the spirit brothers?…], I guess I may have gotten the HS they were looking for ;P

    BTW, can you explain more what the 800 number is for? Thx.

    I feel your pain and fear, I have lost someone to suicide.

    BLISSISIGNORANCE

    I am sorry for your pain and loss too. It is amazing how many here have been put through similar situations. At least for those that have had to endure similar pain can now offer guidance for those of us going through similar circumstances now. Thank you.

    Repeating the mantra 'do more' to a severely depressed person is like going into a hospital to set up calisthenics, sports, sprinting etc programs for incapacitated ones. Ones w cancer, broken bones, pneumonia etc. Monty python did a skit on this once.

    SS

    Hah! I would like to show that to my wife if I could get it on video.

    Amazing, we should talk. Check your voice mail. I’m really sorry for everything that you had to endure also. But hopefully you can be of assist to me. Thx.

    When I am with a person who says they are contemplating suicide, I ask them if they will willingly go into the hospital. If they say yes, I take them that minute. If they say no, I walk to the phone and call 911 that minute.

    Always error on the safe side. Never consider money or feelings or other's opinions.

    GaryB

    Gary, thanks for this reminder also. Nothing should be taken for granted. When in doubt error on the safe side. Your critieria for taking them to the hospital is straight forward and makes sense. One thing I always think of is I don’t want to look back at this period if for some reason she did successfully go through with a suicide and think, “I did take her seriously. I Should have done more.” I want to do everything that I can, right now. I’ll deal with money, the embarrassment of who knows, time, etc… later on when she is well.

    Why do I know this is true..........I was one of the 'cheese and cracker' men. And didn't see how BAD my cheese really smelled!!!

    Danny

    So Danny, what awakened you to see how bad your cheese really smelled? I doubt I could say anything to change the elder’s minds, but at least I could plant the seeds of doubt for later growth!

    women would be saved by faith, child bearing and sanctification and not from performing more duties in the congregation

    heathen

    Hah! That would be good.

    Monkey, thank you for your comments as well. I read your life story a while back, and it was touching. Your recounting now of how it feels like to pull out of depression gives me additional insight into something that I can not fully understand myself, but helps me see what my wife is going through and what is in store.

    do go for therapy. my sibling asked for therapy the night before the suicide,... it was too late

    nowise

    Wow, another person. That must have been tremendously trying for you. I would imagine that there must have been a million ‘What if’s?’ asked after that happened. Thank you for sharing. I plan on being involved with the therapy myself and expect that it will help me as well. There is a group in our area that specializes in her aspect of mental illness, which meets every so often. I plan on seeking that out once we get started.

    Panda, thanks for the book recommendations. And the reminder that people can be on medication and go on to live normal and successful lives. It’s helpful to know this and remind ourselves of this.

    To everyone else, I apologize for anyone that I did not personally mention. But please know that I have read, reread, and reread again all of your posts. Each and every one of your posts are very encouraging and a big hug to me. Thank you!

    Last night before the meeting we were talking and she was in good spirits.

    [I didn’t go, our book study overseer is ‘the plumber’, and I wanted to do nothing more than go a kick him the shins, and tell his wife what an idiot she is married to. I’m afraid she already knows though because she has suffered from depression in the past and made the comment to my wife that he was not compassionate at all to her or the disease.],

    When she came back from the meeting she was very sad and then got upset over dinner being ‘wrong’. She said she knew it was stupid to be upset over such a little thing, but she couldn’t help how she felt inside. I’m convinced that if she didn’t go to the damn book study that she would have been ok. I gotta get her some pro help NOW and out of the borganization.

    The WTS is a killer.

    Thank you again!

    Winston.

  • cruzanheart
    cruzanheart

    Just my opinion, but I don't think it's healthy for your wife to go to meetings by herself -- you don't know what kind of garbage they are feeding her. You may need to play watchdog.

    Nina

  • LeslieV
    LeslieV

    Well I have to say Winston that you handled yourself especially well with those silly elders. It kills me that they would even try to handle such a delicate situation. As you mentioned to the both of them, they are not qualified to even talk to your wife. If indeed they really had her best intentions in mind, they would have been able to swallow their power and control issues and tell her to seek professional help.

    You are doing a wonderful job as a supportive spouse and are to be commended. Living with someone with mental health issues is draining on all in the family. I would encourage you Winston to talk with someone in the MH fields about the fear that you experience when she is talking about suicide. I will be thinking of the both of you. Welcome to the board Winston!!!!!!

    Leslie

  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D
    Just my opinion, but I don't think it's healthy for your wife to go to meetings by herself -- you don't know what kind of garbage they are feeding her. You may need to play watchdog.

    Nina

    That's a good point. Maybe I should reconsider going when she goes just to watch out for what they are telling her. They would be less bold telling her what to do if I was around. Winston.

  • cat1759
    cat1759

    Winston,

    I can't thank you enough for sharing your story! The emotional stability of a person we truly love so deeply is all that matters at crunch time. You saw through it all and you were so loving and accomadating to appease your wife during this time.

    My sister has been married to her husband for oh gosh 26 this sept. I know he loves her so much but she is suicidal according to my niece. I can only pray for her because I live so far away and don't want to upset the little balance in her life that might be there. He was an elder for 25yrs and through it all he is a kind person and this man put up with my mother through so much crap.

    I hope that when push comes to shove he can start to realize what is needed. I love my sister but we don't talk.

    I love my family so much but it is better I stay away.

    I am so happy that you are at least showing the love your wife needs. I don't know how to cut and paste here as it never works for me but the statement about taking care of her at the kingdom hall might be needed.

    Cathy

  • JT
    JT
    And JT, don’t worry, I wasn’t offended in the least by your comment. I appreciate your and other’s sensitivity to this issue as I am a newb, but I also appreciate open discussion that can be helpful without being a personal attack or being censured. Your’s was just an observation that I am beginning to share also. Your last line in your 1 st post cracked me up!

    hey man hang in there- if you need to talk feel free to call me at 202-336-8792 i am here in wash dc

  • JT
    JT

    danny says:

    That is why JT's analogy of 'cheese and cracker men' fit so well. They are simply just like part time grocery store sample hawker's, who have been hired to sell the 'cheese'. The 'cheese' will fix any problem just eat more of it....here sister sad and depressed, have another 'cheese', you know it will make you feel better.

    LIke good hired hands they complete their assigned tasks, walking away from every encounter saying to themselves....how well they performed their job.

    this is so true indeed - at the last elders school i attended 97/98- the instructor point blank told us

    "you can handle 95% of your cong problems bro by asking 3 simple questions of the pub and a NO answer to either one means therein lies the publisher problem

    1 are you regular in service

    2 are you regular at the meetings

    3 are you up to date on your personal reading of the slaves publications

    AND IF a publisher says no to any one of the aboveYOU TELL THEM THIS IS WHY YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEMS

    you got to love it

  • Ravyn
    Ravyn

    Dear Winston,

    please be especially careful with your wife now. I was trained in suicide prevention when I was an EMT and many times there is a lull before the storm. Also if she gets prescribed anti-depressants watch her very carefully, because many times the first thing the pills do is give someone enough energy to act on their thoughts before it can actually correct their thoughts. I know this from personal experience. A friend of mine was depressed and put on Prozac back in 1996. He met with elders and after he told them all his doubts one brother in frustration said 'then you might as well get it over with!' So Gary borrowed $30 from him and that night went out and bought himself a rope and a couple of pulleys and a bucket. Two weeks later they found him hanging behind his front door by seeing his feet dangling thru the mail slot. He had been on Prozac for 3 weeks, for the previous 12 years he didn't have the energy or ambition to act on his suicidal ideations all it took was one careless comment from an untrained moron.
    my advice? get yourself and your wife away from JWs. Go on an extended vacation where she can get some help, move away even. It could be a matter of life and death.
    I hope all the best for both of you.
    My father is schizophrenic, my sister is DID and schizo-affective and I have lived with two bi-polars. I understand.
    Ravyn

  • core
    core

    Winston

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