Don't downplay what you've been through SP. That's some heavy duty shit. It sounds like you've coped as well as you can for as long as you can, but now you seem to be at a crossroads. Realize that your body remembers what happened and it sounds like it's beginning to affect you. When the original event occurs we as victims are in survival mode. We're just trying to get through in one piece (sometimes literally) and we don't have time or understanding to deal with the full impact of what's really going on. So we put it away for another day, an emotional credit card if you will.
I think you know my background, and I was actually younger than you when I hit the wall. I had a nervous breakdown at 23 and was in a psychiatric hospital for a while. I just literally shut down. All that stuff I had bottled up for years, and thought I had it under control brought me down. I started therapy, but back then (1985 was when I started) child abuse was not understood or talked about like it is today, and certainly not for men.
Okay so here I am, 23 years old and in great shape but I barely could function at a brain dead job I was seriously over qualified for. I couldn't mow a very small yard at one time (I had to take breaks for a nap). I had major sleep troubles. Either I couldn't go to sleep, or stay asleep (too many nightmares) or I could barely stay awake during the day.
It took me 6 years in therapy to get back to something close to what I was. But I think you're smarter than me. You won't fight it like I did. I think you're also cagey enough about people that you won't run across every quack in town like I did. It took me 8 different psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. before I finally found a gem. But even then when she suggested things, I fought her, just stubbornly determined I knew best. If I had just relaxed and trusted her, and dealt with the bottled up feelings I had I would have gone through much faster and easier.
My suggestion is start calling around. Look for someone who has experience in dealing with adult survivors of abuse. Decide if you are more comfortable talking with a man or a woman. If money is an issue, there are many therapists who do work on a sliding scale (i.e., their fee is based on your ability to pay); ask about that. Many cities have social services available as well. See if there is a rape crisis center, or something similar. They might be able to point you towards a good therapist. Most insurance now covers psychotherapy, but each policy is different.
I don't mind talking about anything that happened to me. I'm trying to be more selective though as I don't want to overwhelm people. If I can do anything to help SP, please let me know.
Chris
