Hey Kitties...
I'm so sorry about what has happened to you... And I understand the "guilt" part very well... My mother was not a JW... but she was abusive...and quite manipulative... Through most of my life, I always thought there was something wrong with me... I just could not, in any way shape or form, find approval in her.... It took a long time.. to figured out it wasn't me.... It was her... she had the problem and I could not resolve that for her.
There's a saying that I think applies here... "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family". Because your family is quite toxic to you and yours, it's not too much of a leap to know that having much to do with them is going to hurt. Your already set up to punish yourself, and they will see to it that you do...
Like the other replies you have had here, there really is no reasonable and painless solution to having a relationship with them. But you can have a full and happy life, complete and successful without them. You need to discover the tools that make that possible.
You have the most important one already... a good husband...
Here's some you might consider:
You have the right to be happy!
You have the right to beleive anything or discover God any way you see fit or not, even if it's not the same as your family.
You have the right not to put yourself or your husband in a position of pain, which means you don't have to continue hitting yourself over the head over and over again... They've made the restriction, not you, it's their intolerance, not yours, it's their problem and you need not suffer their consequences...
You can enforce your rights anytime you choose.
Because it's "family" we tend to put ourselves through the ringer for them... but try to look at it objectively... what is your return? What do you get out of it? If it's only pain and guilt and depression, or worse, then why continue? You can set the perameters for their involvement with you at least as well as they set them for you. If they don't like it, what do you lose? Do you lose anything beneficial? I don't think so...
It's funny, my sister thought that our lives were different too... until she developed anxiety disorder and went for therapy... When we talked after that, as we still do, I realized a lot of what happened was just too traumatic for her to deal with, and she simply did not recall a lot of what I remembered. It's the brains way of protecting you.... selective memory....
Now when we talk, and she's not sure about something that happened... she's amazed that I remember the way I do... I was a year older... and it's all still there... hard to forget.... but she remembers enough to put the pieces together with mine, and it starts to make sense to her...
Kitties, my advice and support simply is: If the price you have to pay to have anything to do with your family is pain, depression, going against your husband, and potentially suicide... then my dear, you have to ask yourself, are they worth that price? I can tell you from the outside looking in, that I would say no, not in their present condition. You can fill your life with good friends who are more than enough family, good people, good works, fun, pleasure and quality, all the things you hope for. You can live a real life, and you don't have to pretend for people who just do not accept the realities in their own lives, let alone yours.
I'm not saying it will be easy, but it looks a whole lot better than trying to hang on to something that can kill you. Try letting it go, and see what happens... you might be very pleasantly surprised.
I hope it all goes well for you..
Best wishes Kitties... you deserve them...
Inq
edited to change a coupla commments... (I can go on so...)
