My wife and I got married at 21(her) and 23(me) and we marvel at the fact that we are still together and are doing more than just fine, even though we made the biggest commitment of our lives while still operating on the notion that the world was going to end any day, everyone but we JW's were going to die and we were going to live forever in a paradise filled with wild animals that were going to be tame.
JW marriages: “They” looked good on paper.
by Londo111 39 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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GrreatTeacher
I remembered absolutely refusing to do the chaperone thing. That was absolutely not going to happen. So, I started dating a worldly guy that I went to school with to the horror of my family. There was a lot of fighting going on at home, but I persisted.I soon got a guilty conscience for sleeping with him and decided a confession was in order. I called an elder and he said to meet at the KH on a certain date to talk and there was a JC waiting for me. I told them I was sorry. My parents were angry with me and our whole household was in crisis. I was ready to be done with this guy. And, after listening kindly, they decided to disfellowship me.
I went through a horrendous depression, having suicidal thoughts. I made it through by exercise, walking 5 or 6 miles a day and working in retail. That was the only time I could be around normal people because I really wasn't supposed to be associating with worldly people and I was shunned by the Witnesses. This was when I learned how to live a double life. I would sometimes hang out with friends at the local college, partying in the dorms. I met up the old boyfriend again and for a few dates, and when I asked to be reinstated, I lied my ass off about all the things I was doing. I made quite the show and got reinstated after 6 months.
This was a strange time. I knew the org was crap, but I met a guy in another congregation who thought the same thing, but still was involved. He thought the double life was possible, so I dated him for awhile. We did normal things, like go to his work picnic, and we also did sneaky things, like going to wild parties, and we found times and places to have sex. We were both living at home and when our parents would go away for the weekend, we had either my house or his house to ourselves. Then there was always the car, parked in the woods overlooking his house, like a middle finger flipped at his parents. And once, I was housesitting, so there was that opportunity.
When rumors got out, we talked to the elders in the backroom of his hall, but no JC. We lied our asses off. No, of course we hadn't done anything. Who and where are these people making these accusations? We got off completely free. After being df'd for telling the truth, I learned that lying was the better option.
We had discussions about how viable it would be to do the double life thing long-term. It was stressing me out. I didn't like being a hypocrite. "Why not?" he asked, "You do everything else!"
A big kink happened to the relationship when he was in a terrible car accident and was flown to shock trauma. He called me from the emergency room and asked for me to come. He was in bad shape. His face was bashed in, they would have to restructure it and his leg was damaged and always walked with a limp after that. He lost a lot of blood and the HLC was there. It was obvious they were there as enforcers. He looked at me with a look of terror on his face that I'll never forget. It was a combination of , "I don't want to die," and, "You're the only one who understands me, but you can't be here with me because we're dating under the table and not recognized as officially dating."
It was horrible. That look is burned in my mind. He took months of rehab and I didn't see him much. He had to stay home and most of our dating had been sneaking around. He changed, maybe because of the literal head injury, but also, I think because he scared himself and thought he needed to straighten up and fly right. You never know when you might die.
That was the end of that relationship. He decided to buckle down and follow the rules and I just couldn't live the WT life.
By this time, I had gotten another job. In construction. Working with all men. It was kinda fun. One of the guys saw me being all sad and asked if everything was okay. I told him the story of my boyfriend nearly dying in a car accident. He was sympathetic. Very nice for once. Yoy see, he had been annoying me for months, ever since I started the job. He was just goofy, did silly things, made stupid jokes, and every single day he asked me when I was going to go out with him.
Well, after this exchange, I decided it might be okay to go out to lunch at McDonald's with him. He was nice in the car. He wasn't showing off in front of the guys anymore. Another day we went to the grocery store and got a chocolate pie to share. After work one day, we stopped at a little old tavern that had 50 cent beers. I drank until I fell off a bar stool and couldn't drive home. So, he took me to his house and I met his parents for the first time 3 sheets to the wind. They went out and we had sex on what was pretty much a first date, if you don't count the lunch dates.
My parents got angrier and angrier that I wasn't coming home on time, or spending nights away from the house. I had stopped going to the meetings, and so one night after I had been gone all weekend, my dad told me to come get my things and kicked me out. I stayed with a friend of my new guy friend for a few weeks before I found an apartment, which was far away from home. I was relieved to be out of my parents house.
I continued dating this guy and we were a little wild for about a year, drinking, dragracing, tried pot once and hated it. And, of course we were still having sex; we were falling in love. About 2 years later, we got married and bought a little house that was a fixer-upper, fixed it up, flipped it and bought the house we are in now. We had a son and we just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary!
What was different with him was that we didn't have to hide our dating. I hadn't liked having to hide my dating with JW guy because we didn't have a chaperone. I didn't want to date someone who had to hide me. We had plenty of time to get to know each other. We were always together. His parents actually liked me, despite not heing Catholic, and invited me around for holidays and family vacations. We knew we were sexually compatible. We took a couple years to make sure it was the real thing, and by the time we got married, we were sure. We've only had one difficult time after I had our son and was diagnosed with Postpartum Onset Bipolar disorder, but after my son got a little older and started sleeping through the night and my medication got regulated, we've been great.
We've been together 25 years, are still in love, and I can't imagine marrying a JW or living a Witness life. You have to step away from the dysfunction of the cult to find a relationship that will work for you based on true compatibility, personality wise, physical attraction wise, sexually and with compatible values and life plans.
It's wonderful when it works, and I am so sorry for those folks that haven't had the same kind of luck in relationships. I've got a true, loving life partner. I wish everyone had the same.
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talesin
To the OP, re "JW marriages" and my experience (so happy that I never married JW).
My parents tried to arrange at least three marriages when I was 16-17 years old. One was with a local pioneer, and I actually boarded with his family. I was, like "What? He is so ugly!" (sorry, I was 16!). And he was like a brother to me, I lived with them, for cat's sake!
The second was a nice guy, he was the cousin of a Lebanese elder, and a new immigrant. They were 'old style', and when we visited for dinner, the wife ate after serving us. The dinner was apropos of introducing me to Mahmoud, the nephew. A totally nice guy, age-appropriate, but are you f**king kidding me?
The third, and to my eternal disgust (now that I'm 50-ish myself), was a 50YO elder from NYC (bear in mind, I was SEVENTEEN, yes, one-seven, 17!). We were at a wedding, and my parents pushed him on me, to dance. He was sweating heavily ... gripping me (not inappropriately) tightly, and I felt like I was suffocating, let alone the fact that he was old enough to be my father ++.So yeah, the JW way of choosing a 'marriage mate' (f*ck, I hate that term - PARTNER - do you hear me, WT?) is dysfunctional to the max.
GT, I am marking to read your tale later. Hope you are well, xx. : )
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GrreatTeacher
Postscript - About 2 years into my marriage, I got a phone call. The JW guy whom I had dated and had barely survived a car accident had been in another devastatjng accident. Again he was flown to shock trauma, again the HLC had been there and again he had refused blood. This time it had cost him his life. I was invited to the viewing at the funeral home.
I went. My new husband came with me. He was so beat up that they had a closed casket. A recent picture of him was sitting on top of the casket. He looked just as I remembered. I silently wondered why he had chosen to crawl back to the cult. Not a year earlier, he had gotten a guilty conscience and told his elders everything we had done. The local elders whom I did not even know showed up on my doorstep and wanted to talk. At first, I lied, but got the feeling that these elders would find me more believable if I admitted just a little bit, so I did admit some inappropriate touching which only happened once. They bought that and left me alone.
I, however, was livid and called the ex boyfriend up and really let him have it for not lettinf me know inadvance that he was going to be siccing the elders. He admitted that he should have and then he wanted to have a friendly conversation, but I cut it short. I was really angry.
And now he was dead. I wondered if he had been sincere about clearing his conscience and I wondered if he was reaching out. It seemed like maybe that was so. I wondered what would have happened if he'd never had the first accident, after which he completely changed, whether due to the head injury or a guilty conscience, I dont know. Would we have dated longer? Could he have convinved me that living a double life would work?
I didn't know. Alk I knew was that he was dead by his own hand from reckless driving and refusing blood. I was glad I hadn't stayed involved with him. I was glad I had married my husband who was right there by my side helping me deal with these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. He is a good, good man. The best choice I had ever made.
I still believe that and am forever grateful I made the choices I did.
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Muddy Waters
These posts catch at my heart in so many ways.... so insightful and anguished... so revealing of the inward captivity and unhappiness and total screwed-up-ness of religious mind-control -- the structures that were supposed to support us are rotten and untrustworthy.... and our closest relationships are even to be under their control. We all understand. We hear and cry & rage with you. You are not alone.
I do love these forums... you are all blessings, and whatever journey we are on, I hope it leads to .... something.
Something good.
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smiddy
I have two sons who were brought up from birth as J.W.`s , both married J.W.`s and both ended in divorce.
We had a sister in our congregation who was married and divorced 4 times .
Their were also many broken marriages that stayed together because of the religion .Unhappy as they were.
smiddy
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snugglebunny
I married a witness girl. There wasn't much choice of partners back then. It lasted 3 years. She was a pioneer and even travelled to other countries to do "rooming work" for the big conventions. She was also totally insane. She was incredibly violent and I still carry wounds from sharp objects to this day. -
Londo111
Yes, due to "marry in the Lord" interpreted to mean marrying only JWs, there has always been a lack of choice. Not just for women, but for guys as well.
Years ago a friend of mind who was looking only saw "mismatched pieces" and that is quite an apt description for the JW dating pool. There are far too many marriages made of "mismatched pieces" and no honorable way in the cult to correct the mistake. It becomes a train wreck.
The “cream of the crop”, that is, the pioneers could be quite nutty. It is a stressful lifestyle that brings no true satisfaction. It is not good for mental health. Many end up on antidepressants so they can get by.
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Vidiot
When you base a permanent relationship on elite membership, impossibly high social standards, and a crushing workload, it's not actually a relationship.
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It's a business arrangement.
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Which is - lets face it - what "marriage" pretty much was when the Bible was being written.
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Finkelstein
Just wanted to point out the many JW devised marriages that were created between people who were gay/homosexual, only to have those marriages fail overtime because of one partner being gay., I can name 3 just in my own Congregation.
If there were 3 just in my own Hall, how many times did this occur worldwide ?