Hi guys. It's been about 4 or 5 weeks since i was disfellowshipped. So far it's been easy, i enjoyed being left alone, no one bothering me, no one telling me i need to do more, need to reach out, questioning why i didnt go on the ministry, and the fact that my ex-wifes family cant talk to me even if they wanted to. It was easy, until today.
I dont know why, but today has hit me pretty hard. Yesterday i took my little girl out for the day. She's 2yo and loves the merry go round horses and kiddie cards on a track. So i took her. We had a really nice day. Later in the evening i passed her to her mum (my ex-wife, still 100% dub). Things were amicable.
Today is Sunday, i went to the meeting (i intend to get reinstated so my siblings will talk to me again). In the meetings i try to sit a row or two near my daughter and she sits with me for half of the meeting and her mother for the other half. I'd had her for the first half already. During the WT study she was crying. She was sat 2 rows behind with her mum and my ex's parents. She was crying for about 2 mins and i wondered why no one was seeing to her. So i got up, went into their row, and there she was on the floor face down crying. So i picked her up and carried her out into the back room. My ex rushed after me - along with her parents. In the back room i was comforting my daughter when my wife snatched her off me again, and her dad shaking his head at me and walked out again. As she was being carried away she was crying "daddy! daddy" and reaching for me. My ex took her into the baby change room with her mother.
I waited outside the baby change door with my arms folded watching the WT speaker. My ex's father (he's an elder) was crouching down in the hall whispering to another elder. The elder turned and looked at me. I looked at him back. Then back to the speaker.
My ex came out of the baby change and we had a small argument - she beleived i was undermining her by taking our daughter from the row. That the entire congregation saw me do it and what does that look like? That our daughter is probably playing us off eachother etc. I explained that i could hear her crying for a good while and i cant stand her being upset so i was only seeing to her. I didnt know what was going on and why she wasnt picking her up and cuddling her.
After the meeting we talked and things are amicable again. But when i got home i had a sad realisation...
If i were to slip and bang my head and die right now, or if i were to accidentally electrocute myself - no one would even know. I have no friends yet. My family dont talk to me. My non witness family, i dont know who/where they are because they were "bad association" and cut off since i was born. In fact, if i were to die right now in my apartment, it would be about a month and a half before anyone would call to my house to see if im ok. If i dont go to the kingdom hall they'd just assume i dont want to go.
This social isolation is really hitting me hard. I keep reminding myself that it's cult control tactic, and it's working. Hell, i'd joing any crack-pot group just to have someone to talk to.