Hello all I am fairly new to this site even though I have been DA since I was 16 years old I am now 35 years old. I have had very little contact with my family since I left maybe a handful of times over the years. I thought I put the past behind me and moved on I have 4 amazing kids of my own really supportive partner and great friends who have become my family. However, through FB I have learned from an old family friend that my Dad who is now in his 70`s is very ill and is getting closer to passing away. I have major issues with my Dad way more than with any other member of my family. My apologies this will be a long post I really have no one who understands what I went through. Some background my Dad is an Elder and was an elder as I was growing up. My Dad was very strict JW on the extreme side followed every belief to the core and expected us to follow as well. I was baptized very young at 13 (my parents both pressured me) I remember growing up always feeling pressure from my dad to be the perfect JW daughter and I could never be good enough. After my baptism the expectations of perfection increased I couldn’t live up to it and I started to fade and over the next 2 years from 14-16 I gradually stopped going to meetings and quit filed service. I remember telling my parents that I couldn’t do it anymore I was not going to anymore meetings my dad looked me in the eye and told me if I didn’t go than I would be treated like a DF person in the home. They couldn’t kick me out they were still responsible for me until I was 18 but they could still start shunning me. From that day forward my Dad stopped talking to me unless he really had to and ordered the rest of the family to do so. I was not allowed to eat at the table with my family (as the bible teaches to not break bread with sinners) I would come down get my food and go eat it alone in my room. I was shunned in my home before I even left no one in my family barely talked to me for almost 2 years only talked to me when they had to or to make sure my physical needs were taken care of. Needless to say after almost 2 years of this treatment I suffered an episode of major depression and unfortunately when I was 16 I tried to end my life but taking a few bottles of pills. At the time I really felt like my life was over I saw no way out. My mom had fortunately found me the next morning when I didn’t get up for school. I was unconscious but I was rushed to the hospital and they revived me and I stayed in a psychiatric unit for 2 weeks. When I was released it was mandatory that my parents take me to my weekly appointment with my psychiatrist. I attended these sessions until I turned 18 and I can say that my psychiatrist saved my life. Unfortunately my family never came around and my Dad increased his negative manipulation of me after my suicide attempt and during my treatment. My dad never came to the hospital to see me (only my mom and she always came with an Elder) and when I came back from the hospital he told me that I would have to go to a judicial hearing because of my suicide attempt and was angry at me because my behavior might have caused him to lose his eldership. My dad really thought that I was demonized and told me often of that fact. We went from barely talking to him telling me daily that I was demonized. The day I was supposed to go for my Judicial hearing to find out if I would be DF because of my suicide attempt I was rescued by an amazing non JW friend and her family who moved me into their home and let me live with them until I was 18. I really think that had I went to the Judicial Committee the stress of it may have pushed me further into mental illness and I may have ended my life.
So the point of all of this if you’re still reading is that I struggled for years grieving the loss of my family. I have no blood relatives that I speak to or see. I have worked hard to live a good life and take care of my mental health and be a good mom for my kids so they never have to go through what I went through. But I have been thinking about trying to find my Dad and go and see him before he dies so I can tell him how much he hurt me but also to tell him that I forgive him and let go of all of the past and all of the hurt. I feel like maybe this would be final closer for me.
However, I am worried about going back and dealing with him again and all the emotions it will bring and whether it is really worth going through it as he probably has not changed.
My question is if any of you have been DA or DF from your family and have had little to no contact did you reach out to your family members for closer later on? Or do any of you have any direct experience dealing with a JW family member who passed away? Did you get to go to the funeral? What happened? were you allowed at the service or the wake? How did you find seeing your family members after such a long time with no contact? Any comments would be helpful before I make the decisions to try to see my dad.