by gatorguy 24 Replies latest jw experiences
i agree with crazyguy....just sit and wait it out.
thats what i have been doing. my situation is different.
married 25 yrs, 2 teen, alot invested, alot to lose.
like they say, its cheaper to keep her.
you do what feels right...but sometime waiting and seeing is good to. but, don't wait to long.
So here are my basic thoughts.....and welcome to the board.
Do you love your wife? When I figured out (was figuring out), that I no longer wanted to be a part of this religion, I was pretty brash with my wife. She was mean back. I thought it might be the end. But.....I loved her. Loved her very much. She felt the same way. So when it came down to it, I had to back off a bit, and try to speak from a place of love, ASSURING her that I wasn't going to go bang whores and do heroine because you know......I wasn't really believing anymore and thats what all people that leave do right?
I had to allow her to see the hypocricy in her programming, but I had to do it from a place of love. It worked, only because she loved me back. Fast forward 2 years and she is out 100%. Many aren't so fortunate. My marriage could have gone either way.
So maybe start there. My wife's authentic personality was worth fighting for. Do you feel that way? If not, you should with dignity and respect handle the disillusion of your marriage.
I would slow your roll on expressing how you feel. The CLASSIC mistake made by people here over and over is to get fired up with emotion at the beginning, and run their mouth before they know how to do so without getting in trouble. Get your power and firm stand first, then do what you need to do.
Just my 2 cents.
How often do you walk on the beach with your wife? You chose this time to tell her this? I have blown some of the best moments in my life over thinking things. I ruined a trip to Florida with my first wife over thinking everything. Cherish these possible last moments with her, you probably won't be with her long if you don't give her her own time to figure things out. If you really do love her then love her and give her some time. Please forgive me but, It sounds to me like you don't know the meaning of the word and few JW's do. JW's say things that hurt people all the time without empathy. They must tell others what they "believe" when they don't know anything. Thats what you are doing right now. I only wish I could have been more loving. You still have a chance to do that. Be LOVE and LOVE will come back to YOU. You will get what you put out.
Remember that if you are both witnesses, your marriage is NOT just between you and your wife.... It includes the Society in all aspects.
So every decision you make has another intrusive aspect imposing its directives on you...
Also, bringing children into a relationship that is not 100% stable is never a good idea....
Hey man, feel for you. A wall of words but I hope it helps somehow...
Was in a very similar position. Me and wifey were born-ins. She was the most uber of all her siblings and we got married young. I had doubts from age 12 onwards but never confronted them. I was always scared as to what the outcome would be.
My wife and I were married and life was good. Then a lot of shit kicked off in my old Hall and it made loads of doubts resurface. Resurface so strong that I no longer cared what the consequences were. I raised it with my wife and she just saw me as mentally diseased. Eventually I felt so trapped I wanted out. Out from the hall, out from the dubs, and if she wanted them, out from my marriage.
We separated as her family, and one sibling in particular kept pressuring/supporting her. My wife eventually said that if I didn't change and love the truth again, that she no longer wanted or loved me. We were done. I no longer found her attractive, just as some cult-twisted person that I would never have married had I thought straight. I got d'fd and thought that was that.
Once we separated, I tried to get on with my life. It was lonely but i manged, made lots of new friends and invested in ones that werent as strong as they could be. But I realised that deep inside her was a person I loved, I missed her. I immediately went on the love offensive. .. and I told big fat fucking lies.
I told her I still wanted in, that it was still meant something. At that point I thought it's not THE truth, but I'll put up with it. We got back together and moved. First meeting back as a d'fd person in a new hall and I clash with the PO and another elder. Fuck it, I can't do it.
I faded but this time put up no resistance to her. But this time I was goin to get in her head and destroy her misplaced faith in this shit.
I worked out her faith had nothing to do with beliefs, just that it was all she had ever known and all her friendships were in it. I set about getting her to spend less time in ministry by planning day trips out etc. Eventually I allowed them to creep into meeting time as well. Then I made her arrange meals with her work friends and tried to covertly limit her time with the sibling that caused so mamy problems. This sibling was always in the background (still is! ) pouring her poison in, so I had to kill it.
Once I'd weakened these sup ports to her faith I kept letting her catch me on web sites that showed the true side of the organisation. Nothing apostate, just Christian sites that attacked JW''s and official sites like ARC, UN, news outlets covErin paedophilia. Once that had been done, I let her catch me watching Geoff on the ARC. I asked if she recognised him, she said yeah. I said it's interesting what he''s saying. That she should watch it, see one of the GB letting his light shine, that it could only build her up. 😉😈
She was hooked and watched every second in disbelief. Boom, we all good now 👌
My point is, don't think it HAS to end. If you love her and want to be with her then try and get her out. It may not work. My mum is deeper in since I've tried 🤔 If you don't want it, cool, move on. But don't think it has to end. You may be able to roll a dice and win. It is tough and the reward is amazing. All the shit and disrespect I had to go through has been replaced by what I think is my wife's complete respect and admiration. Have no regrets. If you want her it's not guaranteed, but it's also not impossible. Attack carefully and corrosively the sup ports if it's what you want. If not move on and don't take up anymore of each others time.
Blog over 😂😂😂
If she holds off having kids and Im not suggesting you do she will be ever expecting the miracle day to arrive and fighting her instincts' or perhaps the pressure from her parents/other jw (?) to produce. so you will be caught in a vice. Please make an appointment with a counsellor for both of you and find one whom has experience with sects.
Tell you wife we too were not going to have kids, our youngest is now 33 and a parent and still no end to system but the wt has changed its mind (flip-flopped) on a score of things. Please seek counselling and broaden out your (both of you) experience of life.
Much love to you.
For me it was opposite. I was JW and my hubs was not and never had been. Hes an atheist. He never pushed his thoughts on me. He would let me talk and then let me come to my own conclusion. We have two children currently and one on the way. It worked out fine for us to have kids. He wasnt big on holidays and birthdays anyhow so it never really was an issue for me to raise the kids JW. He did put his foot down about baptism. That was off limits until they were 18. And medical issues as well. His way of approaching it worked for me. He would drop subtle hints but never really forced anything. Finally, I came to the conclusion it was nonsense, am now atheist and we celebrated our first holidays in 2015 just because lol. Halloween being our very first. It all depends on how hardcore your wife is and how you want your kids to be raised. I see no reason to leave if you love her and she makes you happy. She may be considering what you said and feel like waiting to have kids bc she has doubts too. Do Not throw kids into a stressful mix though.
If she is a dyed in the wool dubber you may as well cut and run now. It will never get any better living with a stepford wife. She will always be more loyal to the cult then to you and that will never make for a strong relationship.
Nathan Nates said: Gatorguy, you have come to a discussion group to ask STRANGERS about how you should plot the course of your most intimate life.
In a large way that is true. However, in a large way we are not strangers and can be the most understanding and empathetic people when it comes to this subject.
