How about a joke thread?

by ApagaLaLuz 11 Replies latest social humour

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  ApagaLaLuz

  I'll start it off.......

  Ralph and his wife are going through a divorce. She is going to take all his money. So rather than pay, he asks his best friend since birth to kill her for him. He goes to his friend Arti and tells him he’ll pay him. Arti, being such a good friend tells Ralph just to give him a dollar and call it even. Ralph agrees.

  So the next day Arti goes over to Ralph’s house and finds his wife drying her hair in the bathroom. So Arti uses the cord of the hair dryer and strangles Ralph’s wife. As he’s leaving, the maid comes through the entryway to see what the commotion is all about. Arty has to get rid of the witness so he grabs a lamp and uses the cord to strangle her.

  He tries to make a quick escape, but on his way out he runs in to the neighbor in the front yard that has come over to investigate. So Arti uses his shoelaces to strangle the neighbor too. It’s a very small town, so naturally Arti was caught and arrested that night. The next day the headline in the local newspaper reads: “Arti-chokes three for a dollar at Ralph’s”

  Sorry this is an American joke. And maybe only those on the West Coast will get.
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  RandomTask

  Ha!

  Did you know Ralphs is owned by Kroger, as is 'King Soopers'?
• 

  JH

  Once apon a time, there was this poster who made 3000 posts in 9 months, and he was awaiting for someone to start a thread about this GREAT moment, but no one noticed, so he answered to a "How about a joke thread", and while drinking his second beer , he was pressing on refresh relentlessly in hope of someone noticing.
  

  Ha Ha Ha, isn't that funny?

  Awwwwwwwwwww forget it...
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  drwtsn32

  but no one noticed

  lol... dude, you made your 3000th post only 1.5 hours before this one. It may take a little longer. In any case, your description didn't change at 3000 did it?
• 

  jgnat

  Congrats, JH! You must type at doublespeed! I try and try and try, but I just can't come up with that many intelligent things to say.

  Hey, did you guys know about this JW jokes link???

  http://www.virushead.net/jwhumor.html

  I stumbled across it today.
• 

  Xandria

  Dog Training

  There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.

  The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns.

  The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet.

  "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist.

  "Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
• 

  czarofmischief

  Sickest joke I know: (DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED, actually do, because I like to offend)

  Frank and Joe go into the woods, for a hike. They come upon a set of railroad tracks they can't find on the map, so they decide to explore them. They split up, Frank goes west, Joe goes east.

  They meet up again three days later and Frank says, "Wow! Did I have a great time! I got about two miles down the tracks and found this stream, with a waterfall, and I spent the whole day swimming and fishing! I caught my dinner, and at sunset, just as the sky burst into brilliant color, I saw a wonderful rainbow appear in the mists of the waterfall! The only thing that sucks is that my wallet got swept downstream."

  Joe holds up a sodden wallet, "Is this it?"

  Frank says, "Yeah, how did you find it?"

  Joe, looking smug, says, "I found it as I lay on the banks of the same stream, further down current, of course, making love to the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

  Frank says, "What?"

  Joe says, "Yeah, I got about an hour down the tracks when I found this gorgeous woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old movies. I rescued her and we spent the day making passionate love on the banks of the stream."

  Frank says slyly, "Well, did she, you know, give you a, you know, a blow job?"

  Joe says, "No, I never found her head."
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  drwtsn32

  Czar!! That's nasty! LOL
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  Bendrr

  Czar, that was just nasty (but funny in a Steven King sort of way).

  Ok.

  Last year my brother was racing in the National 100 dirt track races in Alabama and I drove over to watch. That trip reminded me of how rich Alabama can be in humor.

  At its own expense of course.

  One of the guys at the racetrack, formerly a native of Alabama, had moved to Georgia. Seems he'd read somewhere that most accidents occur within 5 miles of home.

  I noticed that all of the later model vehicles in the parking lot there had the headlight dimmer switches installed on the floorboards like old cars used to have. Later I found out that was because the Alabama Dept. of Public Safety had made manufacturers do that because too many Alabama residents were getting their feet caught in their steering wheels.

  One of the billboards I saw once I crossed the state line said "Can't read? Want to learn?"

  On the way home, I stopped at a little bar for a couple of beers. After a few drinks, I let an Alabama joke slip. This big old redneck came up behind me in a pretty foul mood and challenged me on my views of Alabama. I was cornered for real. I was at the end of the bar, with a literal wall on my right and a wall of a man on my left. So I put my right hand against the wall, palm up, and told "Bubba" to hit it as hard as he could. Bubba, ever the quick thinker, took his shot. I pulled my hand out of the way at the last millisecond and his fist went right through the wall. I patted him on the back, said "that's why", and then out of my love for my fellow 'necks bought a round for him and his buddies. I finished off my beer and watched as he sat back down, hand bloodied and broken, with his 'neck buddies. "Bubba, what happened?" they said. Bubba, ever the quick thinker, stood back up and announced "this is why he tells them there jokes y'all". He then held his good hand in front of his face and said "now one of y'all hit my hand as hard as you can"......

  Don't get me wrong here folks. I certainly don't mean to denigrate folks from Alabama (for those of you from Alabama, denigrate means to put down.)

  Mike, ducking and running for cover as the board's Alabama residents come a-looking for him. (now hit my hand as hard as you can...)
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  czarofmischief

  Is Alabama even on the Internet yet?

  CZAR