HELP!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!!!!

by proudassmonkey 56 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  I got the same letter from my mother in 1985. Brought back how it made me feel, so I know how you feel. Looking back, I can see where I wish I had handled things differently. You've recieved alot of great advice here! I agree with the comment where someone said that it wasn't you are your parents that were making this decision, but the wts. After years of being angry and acting out my fustrations, I realized that I was looking at it the wrong way. I would ask myself, *how can they believe that crap*, but now I realize that it's not weather or not they can believe all that, but rather, that they do! They simply don't have control over their own thinking. Yes, it's sad. And now, without sounding arrogant, I feel sorry for them now. I regret that it has to be this way, but I've learned to accept it. You have to be true to yourself. If you can look at them with pity, you can actully have compassion for them instead of pain and fustration. Reading your parents letter really showed how the wts has it's clutches on them! I think they are die hard j.w.s and they wont change and argueing with them would be a waste of time. Only make it worse. It would really upset me when my j.w. family would ignore me at different times. Now that I'm out of the borg and realize that it's a cult, it's easy for me to feel sorry for them now. If they choose not to speak to me, then fine. I can't control that and I don't care anymore, I can't care anymore, I don't have the desire, nor the energy. My mother died in 1999, still a die hard j.w. She did allow me to visit her towards the end. I had to realize that it was tough on her too, but in her mind, she was being loyal to Jehovah, doing the right thing. But in order for them to respect my views, in turn, I really had to accept theirs. Agree to disagree. You've got to remember that when the j.w.'s act like this, it gives them a sense of power. Power in turn, makes you feel important, a false sense of self asteem. *years of therapy* =;o)

  You have alot of support here! I sure wish I had the internet in 1985! Knowing that others out there have been through the same things and survived, gives you strength to get through it. I hope I've been alittle help to you. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a big cyber hug. You hang in there. You WILL make it through this! Be good to yourself and give yourself what you don't get from them!

  Sending you love and support....Tink
• 

  Nosferatu

  Hello proud. Sorry to hear what you're going through right now. It's sad how they chose the org over you. Personally, if I was going to respond, I'd turn the tables on them. Instead of them shunning you, you shun them. In my opinion, because they're the ones giving you conditional love, they don't deserve the love that you're trying to give them. They're not accepting it, so why waste your energy? I have to agree with PeaEye. You are a grown adult, and you're able to take care of yourself. From what I've learned, once you move out of home, you don't need approval from your parents. You're an independant human being, so go out there and make the best out of your life! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as the things you do, and the goals you reach bring you satisfaction.

  Your parents cannot deny the love they have for you. You're their daughter, they brought you into this life and provided for you. They developed the natural love for a child. Now, they're trying to give "Jehovah" more love than they've ever given you. They're trying hard, but it's not a real love. Jehovah doesn't love them back, no matter how much they fool themselves. It's a fake love. You can give them the love back, Jehovah can't. This is where you can make them realize this by taking any love you provide away. They'll miss it. Here's what I would write:

  Dear mom & dad,

  You may not be able to choose what and what you don't believe, but you can't choose who you love. Love requires a two way relationship between two people. You have obviously chosen to give your love to an organization which doesn't give anything back in return. They don't tell you they love you. They don't hug you. They don't enjoy spending time with you. Have you ever spent quality time with one of the governing body members? Did they ever thank you for the things you've done for them?

  It is clear that you've chosen to love a group of old men in Brooklyn more than you love your daughter who you've raised from birth. Since your love for me is based on my beliefs, I request that you cease contacting me in any way or form until you realize that my beliefs aren't required for a personal loving relationship with the both of you.

  Your daughter,
  Proudassmonkey

  ...just my ideas anyway.
• 

  Francois

  So, your JW parents think that JWs have never been wrong? This is like taking candy from a baby.

  First try out what you find at this site:

  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Parthenon/7831/light.html

  You will find plenty wrong here. Then don't forget to go back to the index for more. All of this is from their own publications, BTW.

  Then, try this one:

  http://quotes.jehovahswitnesses.com/default.htm

  And this:

  http://www.geocities.com/osarsif/index2.htm

  That should do it. You can find more wrong in here than you ever thought. Did you know that JWs once taught that aluminum pots and pans would poison the food cooked in them and then the people who ate the food? And that vaccines were nothing but "animal pus" that never cured anything? Oh yes, and more and more.

  Please do send a copy of your letter to them for us to read if it's not too dreadful.

  francois
• 

  Winston Smith :>D

  Hi PAM ,

  I'm sorry about the position you're in. I will be to the point here.

  There are many good points given already. I think Lady Lee, Greven, Amazing, and similar advice is the best approach. Reading the book 'realeasing the bonds' is an absolute must for you.

  I give this advice even though you mention that you don't care if you talk to your parents ever again. You know why?

  Not to sound like a jag here, but your BS'ing us; and probably that's because you're lying to yourself too. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted your parent's letter here. Think of a person you know that you don't care about, a co-worker, the guy that took your order at McDonalds today, anyone who you don't care about. If they wrote this letter to you, would you give it this same level of attention?

  No.

  So deep down, IMHO you do care about talking to your parents and having them back in your life, as normal human beings, and not as JW's.

  With that vantage point, I say to be as non-confrontational as possible. Tell them how much you appreciated their letter, and that it's good to hear that they still care for you. Acknowledge their pain. And then leave the door open for them.

  Ravyn is correct too. You shouldn't lie to them or blow sunshine up the a$$holes, but you may want to re-examine how you realy feel about them. IMHO, many of us would love to have our parents back in our lives, if they lost the JW mindset.

  ~

  I say this because I at one time felt as your parents did. Some of my immediate family are not in the Borg. I have said similar things to them as your father has said to you. Like Amazing said, many of us Jw's had this same mindset at one point when we were under the mind-control.

  But my family always left the door open. Let me know that they cared for me, wanted to see me and that they didn't judge me. Now that I am making the break, they are the first ones I am turning to. I never even for a moment second guessed if they would welcome me back into their lives or not. Hey, the 'prodigal son' had returned home, and there was great rejoicing!

  ~

  So don't make them feel as if they have to choose one of the other. Don't make them feel like it's either black or white. Don't force them into a corner because they feel they have no other options. That's learned behavior that we picked up from the borg, but like xjw-b12 said, don't play by their rules. Everything can be grey with us 'apostates'. There love for you will eventually let them put their guard down.

  In Steve Hassans book, he mentioned why we can expect family to escape from a mind-control group. unconditional love is always stronger than the 'love' inspired by fear from a mind-controling cult. From the letter you posted from your father, I see that love there. Don't dampen it

  IMHO,

  Winston.
• 

  frenchbabyface

  (((Proud-Melissa))) oh YEssss … And YOU KNOW at least WHAT IS WRONG !!! Which is the most important. They have their “god” and you’ve got “A LIFE” a REAL ONE … Kiss-LOVE them when they ask for, and if you feel like to do it … they need it in fact … Cause they are only ZOMBIES.

  They’ve put the “borg” in the FIRST PLACE. So to me NOW it’s only about RESPECT the true ONE! cause they already forget about the TRUE LOVE !!! Who respect Who (humans) most in telling them what they’ve got for real in their heart ? Do they have any respect for GOD HIMSELF (if they do believe in him ???). …

  Read (((BLISSIGNORANCE Poste and lots of others - sorry for the names but I’m reading you …!!!!!!!)))) How could they be able to respect YOU or THEMSELVES … (BUT they still don’t understand !!!) HOW COMES ??? … I just can’t understand them anymore … ARE YOU GUILTY ? OF WHAT ??? … ARE THEY GUILTY ? OF WHAT ??? – they DON’T even CHECK they’re heart and soul to find OUT ? Do they CARE ??? They should have forget a bit about the “book” YOU have MORE VALUES !!!

  Take care (((Melissa))) … of yourself – individualism doesn’t mean being MEAN ! Not AT ALL – it’s only a question of choices (WHAT DID THEY CHOSE ?) to make this world a better place

  One song : Talking Heads – “PSYCHO KILLERS” !!! (I don’t understand everyting in the song cause I don’t have the lyrics – (anyone ???)

  Just need to say it my way … Because : Yeah ! … Like everybody says !!! dixo : Teejay ;-)

  It depends of your own situation, involvements and needs …

  By the way : CZ I miss your “No fuss, No muss” (BTW does that mean anything)
• 

  pandora

  in their eyes the FDS has never been wrong. they are so brainwashed NOTHING will open their eyes.
  i have been trying for soooo long and it doesn't work. i seriously can not try any more. they haven't done anything to see things from where i stand. i just want to be accepted for who and what i am. and it hurts so much not to be. i want to feel bad for getting out. but that little voice inside my head sings everyday FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!! and i just smile and hold my head higher because i know i can think for myself. i can think whatever i want whenever i want.
  can i be the one to cut off my parents?

  Melissa-

  I'm a "Johny come lately" to this party but I just had to let you know what I think.

  I think your above words are a good enough reply to them. Tweek it a little to make the statement TO them instead of ABOUT them, but keep the sentiment. Your above statements are valid.

  I think you should definately tell them that they expect you to understand their point of view, but as you stated above, they "haven't done anything to see things from where YOU stand." Tell them that you want to be excepted for who and what you are. They want the same thing.

  And they SHOULD be told that their actions hurt you. Not in making you ashamed, but hurting you from a family standpoint. These two raised you and promised unconditional love. How dare they take that away now. They don't have that right.

  I think your comment about being able to think for yourself is VERY important here. In some way it needs to be included. They need to see that you know they CAN'T think for themselves. It is subtle, but it might do the trick.

  Your honest thoughts and feelings are all you can give them. You don't have to argue points. Argue love.

  Just my thoughts. Big Hugs to you, because my parents are the same to me. I do know how you feel.

  -P(J)
• 

  micheal

  Wow Melissa I really am so sorry to hear how your parents feel. It really must be difficult for you. But remember time is a real asset to you. If it doesn't heal all wounds, it at least certainly helps.

  Dear Mom and Dad, I guess from birth I was destined to be a Witness. Go to meetings and field service and assemblies all my life, associate only with other witnesses. But along the way something happend, I started to think about what I was being taught and out of no fault of my own, out of no maliciouness, out of no improper motives I don't believe what they are teaching is the truth. Now I havn't replaced that with anything else, I don't know what is truth. But in my heart of hearts I know at this time that Jw's do not have it. So because I feel this way, why in the most of ultimate ways do you punish me, punishing me by holding back your most natural feelings, a love a mother and father have for their child. Something that all witnesses believe is that if a person leaves they are"wicked", they are out to get all other witnesses, they are hateful. I don't feel this way at all, I just know out of no fault of my own believe that this is the truth.

  It just seems really odd to me that even though you didn't do anything wrong you are punished too. I thought Jehovah was a just God? Also, I really find it hard to believe that anyone can justify parents not talking to their child for the rest of their lives in hope that their child will live a life exactly like their parents.

  Remember I love you and I always will.

  Melissa, if you decide to write your parents I hope something in this short letter was of benefit

  Micheal.
• 

  metatron

  You may need to tell us more about your present circumstance and beliefs to create a persuasive response.

  I would keep any reply short -- and emphasize love above all.

  The attitude here is that of a person completely deceived. You will have to go slow and emphasize love.

  As Jesus said "I have many things to tell you but you are not able to bear them at present".

  You might try something like "I am offended by your judging me as abandoning God. Love is more important than anything

  else - and a loving God , who can forgive Witnesses from their many false expectations, can also overlook the sins of others"

  "It is sad to see how the organization is losing young people and zeal because of its lack of love and compassion - and without showing that love,

  its claim to be the 'truth' just falls apart".

  Be gradual, don't quote a lot of Watchtower mistakes - and emphasize love persistently.

  metatron
• 

  bebu

  ((((Mel))))

  I recommend Winston, Lady Lee, Amazing, and Greven! Especially I like Winston's words

  If you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted your parent's letter here. Think of a person you know that you don't care about, a co-worker, the guy that took your order at McDonalds today, anyone who you don't care about. If they wrote this letter to you, would you give it this same level of attention?...

  In Steve Hassans book, he mentioned why we can expect family to escape from a mind-control group. unconditional love is always stronger than the 'love' inspired by fear from a mind-controling cult. From the letter you posted from your father, I see that love there. Don't dampen it

  BTW, read and remind your parents what 1 Cor. 13 says. In God's view, LOVE is the most important thing of all, NOTobedience to an organization.

  1CO 13:1

  If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

  1CO 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (Hang in there, Mel!)

  1CO 13:8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

  1CO 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

  You don't have to stare at these lines to long to realize that almost every practice and doctrine of the WT is rejected or refuted here: field service, publishing, time sheets, endless Bible studies in paradise, etc.. Love is not a vague concept for reference only. It comes thru in the clinch, and you are in a clinch.

  Determine to love your parents, whatever else you do, gentle or tough.

  with love... ....

  bebu
• 

  metatron

  Bebu is right. I strongly recommend his/her post as the correct approach.

  metatron